Columbus Nesties
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Update.
Hi ladies. I haven't been on much I have really been working a lot, willingly, for Christmas money. Life is getting harder. I found out Joe is on a dating site. His explanation was that he got a "wink" in his email and thought it was someone he knew so he went to the site and they "made" him start a profile. Well, when I asked how a person can get a "wink" if they aren't already signed up on the site he said he didn't know but he did. I didn't buy this, I asked if he thought I was stupid and his reply was, "If you don't know how the internet works, then yes." Now I know we have some computer nesties on here... can anyone explain this to me as apparently I'm stupid.
He has a photo of some girl in his phone, when asked he had this elaborate story for it too.
He says he's not cheating on me because he doesn't string women along and if he was interested in someone else I'd know because he would leave me. When we talk about all this, I'm surprisingly calm because I don't think much surprises me anymore, except for my emotional state. But he has all these excuses for everything (he calls them reasons) and at the end of the conversation I end up feeling guilty and I don't know why! I'm not the one with the dating site profile and whatnot.
Ugh.
He has a photo of some girl in his phone, when asked he had this elaborate story for it too.
He says he's not cheating on me because he doesn't string women along and if he was interested in someone else I'd know because he would leave me. When we talk about all this, I'm surprisingly calm because I don't think much surprises me anymore, except for my emotional state. But he has all these excuses for everything (he calls them reasons) and at the end of the conversation I end up feeling guilty and I don't know why! I'm not the one with the dating site profile and whatnot.
Ugh.
Re: Update.
I seriously want to drive down to Columbus and give Joe a swift kick to his man parts.
Seriously, he has accused you (falsely) of emotional abuse in the past, but he's the one that's doing it now. He may not be cheating yet, but he's sure opening the door to it.
((HUGS)) to you. I agree with the others--I can't imagine that you can receive a "wink" without belonging to the site. And I agree with Julie--I'm tempted to find him and kick him in his man parts for giving you such a runaround.
Even if he won't go to counseling, were you able to find some for yourself? No matter how this ends up, it sounds like you might need it. ((HUGS))
Sadly, I have experience with an H (now EX!) on a dating site.
Was the "wink" from Match?? Because you have to have a profile to get a wink. So he is full of shizola.
My opinion, if he is not being up front about his endeavors, he is not interested in fixing them and he is not remorseful. Which means he does not feel bad about doing things that are hurtful to you, and I am pretty sure you at least want a remorseful ARSE over just an ARSE.
My prediction, if he finds someone else, he'll leave you. If he doesn't find someone better, he'll continue to mooch off of you.
You're not stupid. The "wink" sounds like something on Match.com where you can check out people's profiles and if you are interested you can wink at them and if they are interested they will wink back at you (after looking at your profile). It may be possible to wink at someone without already having a profile but it's not possible for someone to wink at you unless you have one. No matter what, there's no reason your DH should be on Match.com.
If I were you I would start looking for a lawyer. Why would you want to be with someone who tells you that there could be someone better for him out there? Your DH should always think (and let you know) that you're the only one for him. I"m sorry you have to go through this and I'm sure it's not as simple as I'm making it out to be. However, he sounds like he's making you miserable.
No one wants to see her marriage reduced to a list of pros and cons, but it doesn't sound like he's bringing you any sort of happiness anymore. Does he still have positive attributes? Is there still stuff that makes you smile?
I know we don't know the whole story and we aren't there living it 24/7, but from what you've said, it just doesn't sound like there are a lot of reasons to stay with him, especially when he doesn't seem to have any desire to work on these problems and attitudes that are visibly causing you pain and heartache. I mean, there is NO logical reason I can think of for a married man to be on a dating site. NONE.
If you haven't already, like the others said, get some money socked away and start thinking about talking to a lawyer. It just doesn't sound like he's going to change and it doesn't sound like you're at all happy being in this marriage.
Take care. (((hugs)))
Heather....
I just read back and it may seem like we're all preaching and telling you what to do, but it's because we care about you.
It's perfectly normal for you to want to believe the best and believe that you married a good man. This does not take away from the love that you have or had, but it does show that you need to make a change. It's normal to WANT to be wrong about this! But I think you'll feel better knowing the truth.
HUGS
I forgot to add, I found where back on June 12th he paid $17.00 for an australian amatuer porn site. Now, the fact that he's looking at porn, irritating but not the end of the world, the fact that he paid for it when he didn't have a job and I could barely make enough to pay our bills... NOT OKAY. I told him how I felt about it and he said it was no big deal. What's worse... he says that the reason he doesn't want to be intimate is because our foreplay is boring. For the past 10 months he has been telling me it's because he's not in the mood, but obviously he's in the mood at some point because he looks at porn. When I brought up that point he said that he doesn't have to be "in the mood" to look at porn.
(By the way, he said all this, about the dating site, which as true.com and the intimacy all of that, in an e-mail.)
He's agreed to go to a counselor however he won't ever commit to a time or time frame and he won't help me look for options. My sister told me our insurance will cover the first so many visits for only $10 per visit so I'm going to investigate that option and I still have an option that a fellow nestie gave me, as well.
He actually has told me that I'm the only one for him and as much as I want to believe it part of me can't. Not with the dating sites, the photo of the other girl, the attitude, etc.
My sister and I are very close, like best friends and I talk to her, I don't tell her every gritty detail but I don't really have a close girl friend like her, so I do tell her a lot. Well, Joe hates that and I can partially see what he's saying but I HAVE to talk to someone or I'll go insane. The other day he said he wants to move (doesn't know where and before he didn't want to move at all, he wanted to grow roots here.) so that my family isn't in our business. Well, I have to tell my Dad why I need to borrow $1,500, that's kind of something he wants to know and rightfully so. So my parents know about Joe's spending. I try to act happy and like nothing is going on but I know they know that something isn't right.
I can't save money because his last paycheck (for a week) was $120. That's nothing. That barely pays one of our bills and with Christmas and birthdays coming up it's even more impossible. I haven't looked into lawyers either. My sister divorced her first husband, I could always ask her. It's so depressing.
Joe asked me the other day if me going to VA for my internship was a cover. I asked if he wanted to see the corespondence between me and the detective. He said no, he knew I was going for the internship but wanted to know if I was staying there and leaving him. It was completely out of the blue.
I just don't know anymore, but thank you ladies for all the advice and support.
My biggest comment is "actions speak louder than words". If he's telling you you're the only one for him, but buying porn and looking at dating sites and having pictures of other girls on his phone, his words are meaningless, the actions tell the story. Words are lip service. There are way too many people out there who are experts at manipulating a situation with their words to make all of the blame go away from themselves and at their target (trust me, I've been there).
I'm sure you're not blameless in this situation and I'm sure there are legitimate things your husband is unhappy with about you and your relationship, but an adult deals with them in an adult manner. He goes to counseling, or he at least talks to you seriously, without attacking and without being condescending. He works toward a solution. He *wants* to resolve the issues. Your husband is not doing these things, he's avoiding the subject, and worse making you responsible for HIS actions. You can't resolve issues with someone like this. You need to move on. Perhaps moving on might wake him up and into action (that would be best case scenario), or perhaps it won't, but it will be the right thing for *you* and that's the only thing you can control. Don't let him wear you down, don't let him convince you that this is all your fault and don't let him make you move away from your family or separate you from your friends. That's classic controlling behavior and it will only make leaving far harder in the long run.
(((hugs)))
I am so sorry that you are going through this, I was really hoping things would get better. It sounds like he is not going to change and that he doesn't want to repair your relationship...actions speak louder than words. I am so sorry, but I hope you can either get help or have strength to leave before it gets worse. Please keep your family and friends close and don't let him distance you from them.
Hugs.
Here is the info on "winks" she sent me from the True.com website:
Q: What is a wink?
A: A wink is the electronic equivalent of "making eye contact." It is a quick way to let someone know you found something about them interesting or would like to initiate contact.
Q: How can I wink at someone?
A: Winking at someone is as easy as clicking your mouse. Once you log in, simply click on the wink icon on the profile of someone you're interested in, and you'll receive an on-screen confirmation that your wink was sent.
You are a smart girl Heather and we are all here for you! I was once in a relationship where Mr. Dumba$$ would do all sorts of crazy things behind my back and then when I would find out, he would lay on the excuses and accuse me of not knowing anything. Your situation sounds so familiar to how mine was once upon a time. We are all here if you need us! Keep us posted!
And feel free to email me if you ever want to talk about anything! Starrgirl77@yahoo.com
~Marie
Thank you again ladies. I just cannot believe what wonderful women we have on this site. Unfortunately I've never met any of you in person and yet you are all so great to me! I really appreciate it, truly.
I'm not buying the excuses. I know I'm smart and I'm not going to be a detective for nothing.
I think most women are good "detectives" when it comes to these things. God gave us intuition for a reason. My heart is just breaking because when I took my vows, I took them seriously. Yes, I am young and we probably should have had a longer engagement looking back on it but it's too late for should haves. Before we were married things were great, no joke a month after getting married things changed. I've been hanging in there, I signed up for this, for better or for worse. But as one of my wise friends told me yesterday, "I got married for better or for worse, not for the impossible." I will continue to push the counseling and get in there. And if I can remember to call the insurance company for a list of counselors I will get myself in there asap, with or without him.
But I do want to say that I do not think that I am a saint and I'm not trying to portray myself as one. I'm sure I do things that irritate Joe and when he tells me about them I do my HARDEST to remedy them however I'm not running around on him, or breaking my vows. I'm doing everything I feel is in my power to help our marriage and I definitely know I can't do it alone. But I figure if I do my part at least I know in my heart I'm doing everything I can. I don't want to look back on things and think I could have done something different or something more.
Thank you again ladies. I really value everyone's opinion!