Columbus Nesties
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Ok ladies, I have a personal post...(long)
I would normally post this on TIP, but some of those ladies can be a bit unnecessarily harsh, so I thought I'd run this by you guys, since you are all always so helpful!
Lately, things between DH and I have been different, and not a good different. I'm not able to pinpoint the exact reason for it, but I know that it has just as much to do with me as it does with him. What it comes down to is DH thinks I am insecure and needy, so he doesn't "feel like" being affectionate to me because I am pushing him away. The things he says I am insecure about are him doing things with just his friends, and that I have a problem with how he flirts with girls at the bar he works at. There are also other things that we fight about, but these seem to be the two things that come up the most.
I agree that he should do things with his friends, but pretty much whenever he goes out with them without me, he drinks too much, and we end up fighting when he gets home. We fight because he can be not very nice when he's drunk, and it kills me inside to see him like this. But he says that when he goes out, it's like he has been let off a leash and he just wants to let loose, so he tends to drink too much. Then he's late coming home, and fighting ensues. It's like a cycle, where I know this will happen, so I don't want him to go, and then when he does and it does happen, I am upset and don't want him to go again the next time. Does that make sense?
Another fighting cycle is the flirting. When he flirts with these girls, it may be just to make money, but it still is hurtful. I see him talking to these girls and touching (hugging, hand grabbing, etc.) them in a way that he doesn't do to me. (Even when you've been married a while, it's still nice to have your DH flirt with you!). That makes me wonder why he doesn't do that to me, am I not pretty enough, is he not in love with me, etc., which causes me to be more insecure and makes him not want to be affectionate to me even more. It's so frustrating.
On my end, I feel so down lately. I feel like I'm not good enough at ANYTHING, not just for him. I have a hard time getting out to do anything, like call my friends or go see my family. All I want to do sometimes is stay in bed and not do anything. But of course, I can't, because of the kids. But feeling this down and out makes me snappy and moody, which also pushes DH away and makes me feel guilty for not being happier in front of the kids.
I have tried talking to him about these things outside of the situations, but nothing seems to get resolved. I don't know what else to do. I don't want to play any more games, I want us to work out our problems.
Do any of you have any suggestions on what I can do or say to get him to work these things out with me? I hate feeling like this. I want things to go back to the way they were. Thank you guys so much in advance! It's hard not being able to talk to anyone about this!
Lately, things between DH and I have been different, and not a good different. I'm not able to pinpoint the exact reason for it, but I know that it has just as much to do with me as it does with him. What it comes down to is DH thinks I am insecure and needy, so he doesn't "feel like" being affectionate to me because I am pushing him away. The things he says I am insecure about are him doing things with just his friends, and that I have a problem with how he flirts with girls at the bar he works at. There are also other things that we fight about, but these seem to be the two things that come up the most.
I agree that he should do things with his friends, but pretty much whenever he goes out with them without me, he drinks too much, and we end up fighting when he gets home. We fight because he can be not very nice when he's drunk, and it kills me inside to see him like this. But he says that when he goes out, it's like he has been let off a leash and he just wants to let loose, so he tends to drink too much. Then he's late coming home, and fighting ensues. It's like a cycle, where I know this will happen, so I don't want him to go, and then when he does and it does happen, I am upset and don't want him to go again the next time. Does that make sense?
Another fighting cycle is the flirting. When he flirts with these girls, it may be just to make money, but it still is hurtful. I see him talking to these girls and touching (hugging, hand grabbing, etc.) them in a way that he doesn't do to me. (Even when you've been married a while, it's still nice to have your DH flirt with you!). That makes me wonder why he doesn't do that to me, am I not pretty enough, is he not in love with me, etc., which causes me to be more insecure and makes him not want to be affectionate to me even more. It's so frustrating.
On my end, I feel so down lately. I feel like I'm not good enough at ANYTHING, not just for him. I have a hard time getting out to do anything, like call my friends or go see my family. All I want to do sometimes is stay in bed and not do anything. But of course, I can't, because of the kids. But feeling this down and out makes me snappy and moody, which also pushes DH away and makes me feel guilty for not being happier in front of the kids.
I have tried talking to him about these things outside of the situations, but nothing seems to get resolved. I don't know what else to do. I don't want to play any more games, I want us to work out our problems.
Do any of you have any suggestions on what I can do or say to get him to work these things out with me? I hate feeling like this. I want things to go back to the way they were. Thank you guys so much in advance! It's hard not being able to talk to anyone about this!
Re: Ok ladies, I have a personal post...(long)
First, ((HUGS)). Second, I'm not sure exactly how to say this, so I'll just come out and say it...I see from your bio you are only 25 years old and I remember that just had your third child correct? Maybe your DH is just feeling like he is young still (I'm guessing he is probably around 25ish as well) and might be feeling like he gave up some of his youth and ability to be wild and crazy with friends to settle down and marry and have kids. I certainly don't think it's an excuse, but it could be an explanation. When he's out with the guys or flirting at work, it might be an escape for him from life back home. Also, being with the same person for a lot of years, the flirting with girls is probably an ego-booster, like "yea i'm still attractive to other people" kind of thing. Again, not making excuses just coming up with possible explanations for his thinking.
Why don't you guys plan a date night? Get out of the house, away from the kids, dress up, etc., and just spend quality time together. It doesn't have to be fancy but just something fun.
I definitely think it would be a slap in the face to see him flirt with other girls but not you. You are the mother of his children...you should be the most attractive woman to him
Lastly, I'm concerned that you say you just want to lay in bed and not get out to do things. Have you thought about seeing a counselor or therapist? If you have insurance, check with them to see if they will cover those visits. I'm obviously not an expert and don't know that you are depressed or anything, but all of this stuff with your DH coupled with not wanting to get out of the house can't be good for your mental health. You need to get out and have time for yourself. Perhaps talking with an objective third party can help clear your mind.
Please know that we are here for you, so please don't hestitate to post to vent or ask for advice or anything.
I think your DH's bar behavior is a huge problem. You have posted about this a few times before if I remember right. I used to wait tables, so I understand that a little flirting- a nice smile, a wink, some friendly chatting- helps to make tips. The touching is what is a problem for me. He should not be touching the girls that frequent the bar. Period. Especially after knowing how bad it hurts you. You have every right to feel like you are as a result. I can honestly say that this is not something that I would be able to put up with. Perhaps you are a much stronger person than I am, but I just couldn't do it.
Did you recently have a baby (or are expecting)? Maybe your hormones have a lot to do with the extra moodiness? My hormones were off for a very long time after I had my son. It might do you some good to speak to your doctor about the way you are feeling. Perhaps she can help you find something that to take the edge off. Counseling would be helpful, too. You might be able to uncover what it is that is really bothering you.
I hope you are able to sort everything out with your DH. I'm really sorry that you are feeling so bad.
I second pp. I couldn't deal with the flirting. I'm a little jealous though and I just wouldn't be able to handle my husband flirting with women in that manner, especially given the lack of affection toward you.
I'm learning that the only way things get resolved is if attention is given to them. I've tried ignoring it and nothing works, obviously. So, although it may seem pointless talk anyway and if he's still not receptive offer up a 3rd party. That's what it's come to for us.
Good luck and be sure not to neglect yourself. If you feel like you need to talk to a professional, do so.
Also, if you ever feel like you need to get out and just talk, I'm always in the mood for a drink or a cup of coffee.