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Name Change Issues a Year Later (long)
I am having identity issues and was hoping for some insight from you ladies. When I changed my name, I changed it to Amanda MaidenName DH-Name, dropping my old middle name (I never really liked it anyways). When I made this change I had no intentions of ever using hyphenation or two last names, it was simply a way of preserving my last name which I held more dear than my middle name.
I have absolutely NO desire to be called "Mrs Maidenname-DHname" or anything similar. When people address me, I am more than happy with Mrs DHname (or perhaps someday Dr. DHname). However, I am struggling with dropping my maiden name from use at school/professional. I had to include it for awhile during the change to make life easier for professors, but now I am getting to the point where I need to start signing it the way I will want it on published papers.
The truth is though, when I sign my first name and only DH-name, I feel incredibly non-descript. Amanda is a pretty common first name, especially for my age range (there were 4 Amanda's in my 24 person elementary school class), and DH's last name is pretty common. I have NEVER read an article published by someone with a common name (or maybe I just dont remember). So, I have this strong urge to sign maiden and last name on written works but to only be called by the last name in person, this seems incredibly inconvienent/confusing.. and I just don't know what to do.
Meanwhile, while DH is trying to be understanding, I cant help but feel I am insulting his last name since really, if it was a less common name, I think I would have no problem using just it... He also is reading more into it, thinking there must be an underlying issue where I dont want to give up my maiden name, but I dont feel like that is it.
*sigh*
Re: Name Change Issues a Year Later (long)
Question--why did you change your name at all? That's something to think about that might help you answer your last issue of whether you don't want to lose your maiden name.
To a certain extent, I can identify. We both hyphenated our last names, but largely because DH made a relatively last-minute decision that he wasn't comfortable just taking my last name like we originally planned. He hyphenated his name legally within a month of our wedding. It took me until December (6 months) to do it, and even then taxes were a large part of my decision. He's never been attached to his family name; I've loved mine since the day I got over having to write eight letters instead of four in kindergarten.
I'm still highly ambivalent. I was never someone who intended to change her name. Even in high school I doodled hyphenates in hearts because doodling my full name in a heart seemed silly. But now that I am hyphenated, almost a year after I did it, I feel very strange about it. Our bills etc are in our new last name, and so are all his publications, but all my school-related stuff (including publications) is in my maiden name. He knows that I'm not going to change any of that, and is totally supportive of it. I feel like I'm being disloyal on one hand, but on the other hand, my maiden name is just cooler than his family name, and I don't really like our hyphenated last name. I love it because it's uniquely us, but it's a PITA mouthfull and takes forever to write.
So I'm very clearly biased when I say this, but I don't see anything strange about what you're describing as your current conundrum. I do think it would be really confusing to be Mrs. Hislast in person, but Mrs. Yourlast on paper if you went to conferences and expected people to know both. I also know that many, many women use their original last name for professional situations, and either a hyphenate or their partners' last names for social things. Many others simply keep their last names for all things. It could be a pain, especially if you have to switch back to your original last name in some circumstances, but it's totally doable.
I can't answer whether you don't want to give up your maiden name. From what you've described it sounds like you just don't want to blend in with other common names. But if further thought leads you to realize that you don't want to give up your maiden name, there's also nothing wrong with that. If you don't want to give up being single, you probably have a problem. But if it's the name and not the commitment to your marriage that you're questioning, you could just be realizing something new about yourself, and there's nothing wrong with that.
And if you need examples of people who have common names and are really well-known/well-published, google Anne Rice, Roy Porter, or Lucy Grealy. Each is amazingly well-known in his/her respective field, and everything but "Grealy" is in the top 200 names in the US. And "James Brown" is the Godfather of Soul.
Mother's Day, 2011
Mother's Day, 2011
I knew two things going into marriage (about names) - I wanted the same last name as my husband and I did not want to hyphenate. This left him taking my name, my taking his name, or some non-hyphenated "new" last name. He vetoed the "new" last name (which I understand). We discussed which name to take at length and agreed upon his. As I said, I enjoy being called "mrs dhname".
Yeah... I am pretty sure I just have to get over it being so common for publication. He made the very valid point "If you have never read an article by someone with a common name, why does it matter if your name is common? No one else is using it" lol.
I sort of understand.
I switched from Angela S. MaidenName to Angela S. Married Name. i kinda felt I lost myself, just because I was I known as Angela MaidenName. (plus it was in a movie about identity theft....)
fast forward 4 years, I divorced, and due to confusing paperwork, I had to go to court to get my Maiden Name back. Sometimes I miss my married name, even though I have no connection to my XH. Just because it was a part of my name as I was known professionally.
Anyway, if you want to change your name back to
Amanda Maiden Name (as middle name) Married Name, you can. It is a relatively easy process with the court, though it takes a couple of months (and about $130). And once you have your court ordered name change, it is relatively easy to change.
And if you need help from an OSU perspective (I'm a grad coordinator), I would be happy to help.
And even if you don't do any of this, its important to be happy with who you are, no matter what your name is, you can refer yourself whatever you want.
Well, thats good, its a PITA to change it on everything again.
Who do you see yourself as? What does your gut tell you?
And who cares if its common?
But I really feel you on the OMG-what-do-people-call-me stuff. Like pretty much both our families call me Mandy Hislastname or Mrs. Hislastname on cards and stuff, but I still tend to introduce myself as Mandy Mylastname (I just don't really love his name) and yet when I'm making doctor's appointments and other stuff where you need an official name, I have to remember to be Amanda Mylastname Hislastname, which is always really fun trying to get receptionists and stuff to get that it's two separate last names, no hyphen. And then sometimes I just give up and go by Mandy Mylastname or Mandy Hislastname and then just try to remember what name I am at what places. It's a total PITA.
Basically, if I could offer any advice (advice that I'm not taking myself, mind you), it would be to be consistent in whatever you do. I think it would be easier, after a period of drilling it into people's heads, if I just insisted that people always call me this or that, regardless of what my legal name was. Good luck!
I was lazy... I knew I'd take his name because I knew it was important to him and I did NOT want my kid to have parents with two different last names. I thought about Julie mylastname hislastname, but I love my middle name. Also as &d&m&y just explained about her situation.... it just seemed too much work. LOL!
It was hard for me as a professional, but it was actually a very smooth transition.
Now as an academic... I see your hesitation. Most of DH's female colleagues from his phd program kept their names, as well as many of the professors. But to use two names would be terribly confusing in terms of publications and research and such. So I say choose a name and stick with it - use it across the board.
However... if you think you can be successful at using "Amanda maiden name" on publications and in teaching, and use "Amanda hislastname" personally, than great! That's what I thought I'd do, if I wasn't too lazy
You are not alone! I work for a university...several professors have maintained their maiden name as their middle name. When signing documents, why not sign your name "Amanda Maiden Name DH Name" (example; Jennifer Wood Smith)? You maintain your identity as your maiden name and as DH's name. When people address you in person you will be Amanda DH name, but written and signature is Amanda Maiden Name DH Name.