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Advice Welcomed
This might be a long post but I will try to get to the point.
My DH and I have been together for 6yrs, married for 2.5yrs. When asked when we were having kids DH would always say 5yrs. Never changed even as time went by. I never wanted to push having kids on him. I would talk to him about what to expect or my friends kids and what they were going through. See I work with parents and all but 3 of my friends are parents but DH only works directly with men w/out kids and most of his friends don't want kids. In January we realized we were pregnant a total surprise even though I was off birth control due to insurance gap. We ended up having a m/c 1 week later. Before this I was happy with waiting and becoming an aunt (2wks away) but now have baby fever. I have 3 friends all due around when I was and its hard seeing and hearing about how excited they are. During the short period we were pregnant we looked at our budget and kind of panic. It would of be really hard on us financial until January 2010 when we have both our cars paid off(still hard but easier). So now I feel really torn between wanting to be a parent but feeling like we should wait till we are financially ready. I keep telling my self only 18mos till we could start trying then I switch to maybe next year. When I was really upset DH asked if I wanted to try for a baby. But I worry if I say yes I put us in a rough spot financial and I worry about the strain on our relationship. My parents are divorce and I again work with families I see the stress kids can have on parents. Only one friend is aware of our miscarriage and she thinks we should just go for it and everything will work out in the end but she doesn't have mortage. I guess I am asking has anyone felt this way before or how did you know you and DH were ready for kids?
Thanks
Re: Advice Welcomed
I can totally understand the baby fever but I'd be tempted to wait until 2010 if your biological clock allows it. Enjoy being married to your DH, travel, go out whenever you want to. But that's just my opinion.
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I don't know how old you are, but my impression is that you're pretty young; in other words, you have lots of time--enjoy it!
Two things to consider: it seems that your baby-fever has a lot to do with seeing your friends have babies and feeling left out, but not much to do with being ready to be parents. I get that it's hard to feel like everyone around you is doing x, y, and z, but that's not a good reason for you to do it. More importantly, though, if your DH isn't totally on-board with it, you really need to wait until he is--I would HATE for my husband to have cold feet and be full of apprehension about TTC or being pregnant.
Unless you're in your mid-to-late 30s, it's way too early to hit the panic button. Enjoy the time the two of you have unencumbered. Seriously.
As women many of us have been preparing for the idea of pregnancy and motherhood out entire lives, even if it was only a glimmer in the back of our minds. With most men, it just never occured to them until they got a wife. Have patience.
I'm going to ditto what all 3 of the pp's have said about giving it some time. In my own experience with baby fever, it came and went for several years. I am dead last in my tightest circle of friends to have kids, so I know what its like to have baby after baby born around you, and agree with what one of the pp's said that for a while I felt more "left out" of the loop than actually wanting a baby of my own. Also, being on the outside and looking into someone else's life as they begin a family, I would easily get caught up in the outward excitement, like picking out baby gear, the baby showers, decorating the nursery, the cute little clothes, etc. I remember holding one of my friend's newborns as he slept peacefully in my arms and becoming completely smitten with him, as I thought to myself "I could totally do this!" As though it would be just that easy. But I had to slow myself down and remind myself that there is a whole lot more to it than all the fun stuff, and in talking with my friends I knew a newborn is a whole lot more challenging than just getting to hold them while they sleep 24/7. Then I'd really "come to my senses" as DH & I would decide at 9:00 on a Saturday night to head out for cocktails and dessert and have a great time together, realizing that as soon as a baby came that kind of impromptu evening out would become a thing of the distant past.
With that being said, having our little one now is the best thing DH & I have ever done. True, having a newborn is hard, hard, hard - harder than anyone could ever have made clear to me before she came - in fact I got annoyed with people when they'd try, but that's just me. I can't imagine life without her now, yet I'm glad we waited. Truthfully, I never came to a place where I was 100% geared up to have a baby, and neither was DH. If we'd waited for that, it never would have happened. But we knew it was what we ultimately wanted and also realized that the "perfect" situation to have a child was never going to arrive. We just reached a point where we knew we were equipped enough emotionally & financially to bring another little person into the world.
So I guess the gist of what I'm saying is that you appear to have time on your side to wait a bit and allow yourselves and your situation to grow into one where you're ready enough to start a family. When the right time arrives, whenever that is for you, you won't be sorry you waited, and you'll have so much less stress on your plate at the time it comes on top of it. In the meantime, live it up! Pay off debt, enjoy nights out, go on a romantic vacation - because once you do have your little one all of those things become much harder to do!
I've waited ALL day to answer this as I'm afraid I'll type a book..but here goes! And I too am very sorry about your m/c...but it definatly allows you start discussing the realitys!
Like pp said, I'm curious about your age...as that played a big factor in my decision. If you're still in your early-mid 20's don't sweat it.
I was a STRONG believer in making sure I had a partner that was on board and ready to be 1/2 the parents! In fact I made a decision to NOT have my first "pregnancy" with a man I married one month later simply because I knew he'd make a sh!tty father. Why did I still marry him? Long story...
When I finally met my current (and forever) husband I laid it on the line that kids were in my future and if they weren't in his than this is our first and last date...we agreed that first night that 3 was the magic number and we've never looked back.
So when we married we knew kids were coming...however since he is younger than me he didn't know WHEN. I made a decision that my 30th birthday had to mark our starting point cause if we wanted three then we had to get busy cause I wasn't going to be 40 and pushing out babies!
But I just could NOT start the converstation with my hubby over this issue. The words absolutely failed me. I didn't understand why we could talk about everything else except THAT.
So I sat at the very keyboard I'm clacking away at and I typed out a letter to him. I spent a week revising and revising it. I gave it to him on our one year anniversary and told him that I was ready....and listed out all the reasons why the time was right. 1-we had a house, 2- stable jobs, 3-good "enough" insurance ect...and reminded him that I wasn't saying NOW, TONIGHT...
but that I was intending to stop my BCP's on my 30th birthday. At that time, he had five months to get used to the idea. I also reminded him that it takes 9 months for the baby to arrive...and so in reality it would be yet another year from then before we'd actually HAVE the baby.
I also went on to let him know that if he wasn't quite ready to TRY...then on my 30th bday the responsiblity of preventing fell entirely on his shoulders. If he needed more time then it would be up to him shoulder that burdon.
The night he read the letter he was actually pretty upset. I tried to talk about it, but he told me that he needed "time" to digest what he'd read. We never spoke about it again...about three weeks later HE told his bf at breakfast that we were going to start trying in Feb (after my bday)....so I knew THEN that he was on board with it.
And it was my timing, but I still gave him somewhat of a choice!
As a joke I gave him a "present" a week before I stopped my pills...it was a single condom in a picture frame with a note that said "in case of emergency, break glass"
He laughed...but we never used it!
So that's my book...good luck with your situation. Remember if you wait to be out of debt you'll never get there. I'm sure there are ways you can tighten your budgets without realizing it...for us it was starbucks...do you realize how quickly $4/day * 2 people * 5 days adds up! Also...do you really NEED all those channels on your cable?
Good luck!
I am really sorry for your miscarriage, that must be something very horrible to go through.
I am not yet a parent, I might have a different perspective so I thought I might throw my 2 cents in. I am 27, and DH will be turning 31 in April. We have known each other 6 years this summer and have been married 2 years at the end of this month.
We are still no where near ready for kids!! We get to go on spur of the moment weekend trips (as long as we can find a dog boarder), spend more on vacations, home improvements, going out for drinks and most importantly time with each other. There are still some goals we want to accomplish, etc. We both *think* that we want at least one child but we are flexible and will know when we are BOTH ready. I would never want to bring a child into the world without DH being 100% on board or vise versa.
I have begun to have waves of baby fever, espcially since many friends and family members are now having children. I think a lot of it is cute nursery's and baby gear...But if you are in your 20's you have time!! Take time to enjoy life with your DH, pay off debt, travel or do whatever YOU enjoy doing. I know that once we have a child spending hours at night at happy hour with the girls chatting isn't going to happen as often, I won't be able to spend hours alone at the gym, etc.
There probably is never a "perfect" time to have a child but I think it's important for you and your DH to be 100% on board and happy with the decision.
Hope this helps a little!