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Need advice-ex and bf coming to visit
I got married 28 days before my DC was born. Just after she truned a year old H left to be with his long time bf-Art. Art died 13 months later and XH has found a new partner and they have been together for almost a year. ( I was aware that he was bi when I met him. He also has an older son.) We have had discussions about how it's his responsability to tell our DC about him and his partner. My New DH has been raising her all this time (3 years, shes 4 1/2 now.)
I am very excited to meet the man in his life. I just know that I need to set ground rules for the visit. I have no idea what is approprate. How do I approach things like the language they use and other issues that may come up related to their relationship. I have no problems with her knowing the truth I am just worried about being too honest with her. I guess I am way in over my head and have no Idea how to approach the situation. There are no same sex couples in her life as of now and I don't even think she's aware that a mommy and daddy can sometimes be a mommy and mommy or a daddy and a daddy and I am completly lost on the daddy-stepdaddy issue.
Re: Need advice-ex and bf coming to visit
The way I would deal with it is to make it as much of a non issue as possible. If you make a big deal about the difference then it will be a big deal. The way that my wife and I dealt with the nieces and nephews is that I was introduced to them as S's girlfriend. There was no big sit down talk. My neice was 4 when I started dating S and she does not really know any different. I am Aunt Sam and there is no question about who I am and my relationship to S. The kids were in our wedding. My friend's who have kids really just accept it as normal. When I told one friend's child that I was having a baby she asked about needing a daddy to do that. I just told her that some families have a mommy and a daddy, some have two daddys, and some like mine have two mommies. She nodded jumped off the chair and went about playing.
As for your situation ask your ex what his partner would like to be called. Introduce him as that and your daughter will figure out the relationship over time. Answer any questions she has but you don't need to explain everything to her at 4.5. She will just grow up knowing that her father has a partner named _____. As she gets older she will figure out that their relationship is like the one you and your husband has. It will be her normal. Hope that helps.
Has DC been around dad at all? Or will this be one of their first visits together in awhile? I tend to lean towards - just wait and see what happens. DC is young, but I'm sure she will get more than you realize. As for language - unless XH and partner cuss alot I'm not sure there is much to worry about. If they use the terms 'babe' or 'honey' or even 'partner' would that be any different than what DC hears in your home? I'm certain you and DH have cute names for each other.
This board tends to be slow on the weekend but check back tomorrow and I'm sure some of the other ladies will have good advice for you.
Good Luck! :-)
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This is no different than if your XH was with a woman. At the age your daughter is, she wouldn't know/think that there is anything unusual/wrong/whatever about having a dad and stepdad rather than a dad and a stepmom. At that age, children look to their parents for information about everything - so if she has any question about their relationship, simply telling her that just like mommy and daddy love each other, her daddy A---- and his partner love each other should satisfy her curiousity. At this point in her life, you're the expert on everything, so if you present it as a normal situation, she will think of it as a normal situation.
A child of a family friend of ours who was about 5 at the time asked his mom about my wife and I getting married. She told him - Brit and Cecilia are getting married. He said, Can two girls get married? And she said, Of course they can! A boy and a girl can get married, like me and dad, or a girl and girl can get married, like Brit and Cecilia, or a boy and a boy can get married. And said Oh, okay! And never questioned it again.
I'm not sure what you mean as far as "language" that your XH and his partner would use.... I'm racking my brain here and I have no idea what you could be referring to. So I don't think you should worry about that, whatever you mean. I don't think you have to worry about being "too honest" with her. I mean, are you "too honest" with her about your relationship with your current husband?? You two love each other and her, and that's what she knows. She need to know the same thing about her daddy A---- and his partner.
sahm ~ toddler breastfeeder ~ cloth diaperer ~ baby wearer