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I just screamed at my daughter... (long)
We are 2 weeks into potty training and peeing has been going so well. However, she keeps pooping in her pants. Today she pooped and tonight she peed on the floor. I don't know why but I lost it a few minutes ago. She wasn't upset until I screamed at her and freaked out on her. I told her she was like a dog, peeing on the floor. Her huge blue eyes filled up and she told me she couldn't be a dog. I feel terrible. I hugged her and apologized, but the tears just kept coming out of her eyes. I feel like an awful mom. My throat hurts from yelling. It's almost like I was someone else.
Sometimes I just don't feel like being a mom is something I should have done. I feel like I am too selfish. DH takes the kids for walks around the neighborhood and I would rather surf the internet or read. I am a teacher and would rather have been in work this week than home with my own kids. My daughter will be 3 in June and my son is 18 months.
DH and I fight a lot lately. I really just want to walk away from my family. I know I would miss them and I would never actually do it, but it seems like life would be so much easier.
I can't talk to any of my friends about this and I feel weird writing it on a message board where I mostly lurk, but I am so so sad.
I made my beautiful little girl cry because I screamed at her. I lost it. This is not the first time. It happens once a month, or so. This scares me. Is this how she is going to remember her childhood? The awful, screaming mother? There are so many other good moments, but I am afraid these are the ones she will remember.
Re: I just screamed at my daughter... (long)
Let me start with (( hugs to you )) Being a mom is the hardest job in the world. My son, 20 years old now, took 1 week to potty train. My daughter, 16 years old, took 6 months! She would pee but not poop for me. I thought she would never do it. But she did! And in time your little girl will. She WILL do it and this phase will be a thing of the past.....But then it will be something else!
I used to scream at my kids too. They don't remember any of it. Give her some extra hugs and try and get some time to yourself.
Please be strong and come back and vent anytime. I do it often!
Terri
We all have moments as a mom that we aren't proud of, but there are so many more we should be. It sounds like you are going through a rough period. I think everyone has there ups and downs, but you have to figure out how to get through the downs so you can get back to the ups (get it?).
Going to counseling maybe helpful for you and your family. You may want to consider marriage, as well as individual.
I'm sorry you are going through a rough time right now. Don't be afraid to post on here - we are good listeners! Parenting does have its ups and downs. I'm not at the potty training stage yet with DD, so I don't have any advice there. Just be there for her 1st thing in the morning with a big hug and "I love you." {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
My heart aches for you reading your post. I cant imagine how desperate you must feel to think walking away would be easier.
Have you shared your feelings with your DH? I think counseling for you is definately in order and maybe also marriage counseling too.
Hi Fran-
I wanted to respond to your post because you're reaching out- and we're here for you :-)?
?I admit sometimes I just feel like I get lost in my family, and feel like I need a break. ?Maybe that's what you need? ?Even though you work, it's challenging to play the role of a (in your case), a teacher, a mom, and a wife. ?
?With your daughter still pooping in ?her pants-- it sounds like that's her last step. ?She's almost there-- is there a particular time of day she usually goes where you can sit her down on the potty? ?Or having her sit down around the time she goes and giving her a book, etc. to occupy her? ?Just a couple of suggestions... ?has she had issues with pooping before in diapers or anything? Or any changes in family/routine?
?I know you feel terrible about the "dog" situation-- it does sound like you may need to get away for a little time yourself. ?Not only that but-- ?Would you also consider talking to someone? ?That may help if you need to get the chance to know yourself better and to see why you are feeling the way that you do. ?It sounds like it's affecting your family life-- and it never hurts to do so!! (I know I did for a little "tune- up".) Family life can be hard, challenging... and especially if you're feeling the way that you do.
?With your daughter, I think she's beginning the stages (or around the stage) where they begin to remember things-- or maybe it's 4 years old. ?But it doesn't mean that this one situation will traumatize her. ?Maybe tomorrow AM you can talk to her again, let her know how sorry you are.. and why you feel frustrated (pooping/peeing)-- "Mommy wants to help you to go potty-- can you help Mommy?" ?-- or something like that. ? I think children understand more than we think.
?I know there are times that I need a little "me" time.. and I simply ask my husband to take the kids for a couple of days (yes, he's gone to my parents house in NJ to do this for me!).. and trust me, it did a world of good! ?At the same time, if you are feeling the way you are... I strongly encourage you to talk to someone... it will just make you a better "Fran", Mom, and wife :-)
?No judgement here... just a little help ... :-)?
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No one tells you how hard motherhood can be.....and some days it feels like it would be much easier to disappear...I know how that feels some days...
I find that on the rare occassion I yell at my DD-it's never really about the actual issue (aka peeing on the floor)....Its almost always about someting bigger thats impacting me (exhustion, problems with work or a fight with DH that bothered me more than I thought it did etc)
I would encourage you to seek some professional help....Finding a personal outlet to talk through the things that are upsetting can make you feel better and when you feel good, you are a much better mommy.
(((hugs)))
I may not be a mommy but I am a teacher to 19 6 year olds. I know how it feels to get frustrated and to raise your voice or say something you may later regret. None of us are perfect and it is ok to make a mistake every once ina while.
Try to think about the good moments you referenced when you are feeling so bad. Think about the wonderful children you created and raised. I also agree with the pp that some individual or marriage counseling may help you in your situation.
Best wishes to you and your family.
I am sure you are going through a lot right now. I am not a mom, but I know it must be so difficult to raise children, be a wife and try to have time for yourself. We aren't perfect. We slip up. It's ok
We have a great group of ladies on this board, always willing to listen. My suggestion is to go to counseling by yourself and with DH. Based on my personal experience, I am sure you can benefit greatly by talking to a professional and sharing your feelings and frustrations.
Good luck and lots of hugs!
(((( HUGS ))))
Try to not beat yourself up over it. I don't know one mom who hasn't lost it on their kid from time to time.
I'm at a point where the behavior has gotten so out of control recently and NOTHING works (only from me, he listens great to everyone else) I just say "fine, I don't care".
I feel horrible that I have taken that attitude, and wonder if having a second was the right choice, but I try and tell myself this is just a hard age...and while we are having struggles w/ how we are dealing w/ things, imagine how our little ones are feeling. They've been completely dependant on us for everything and now they are trying to find a small piece of independence. They don't know what they can or can't do themselves, so they test...EVERYTHING. It has to be just as frustrating for them.
We wont remember their behavior in a few years and I'm sure they won't remember ours. The fact that you feel bad the you made your daughter cry shows you're a good, loving mommy.
I've been there too and have questioned if I should be a mom. But I keep reminding myself that it's NORMAL to want and need time for yourself. I was on vacation this week and I sent my 15 month old to the babysitter's twice for a 4 hour stretch. I needed to get things done that I've been putting off, and I couldn't do it with him around. It was good for him because he got to spend time playing with other kids and it was good for me to be able to do a project without getting interrupted.
He's not potty training yet, so I don't have any advice on that. Just hang in there, and maybe talk to a professional so you can vent your anger and frustrations in a better place.
Good luck.
I don't have any real advice for you because I'm not a mom yet and haven't been through what you have been through. I just wanted to say that we are all good listeners and please post anytime. Soemtimes it just helps to get something off your chest.
I can say that parenting is hard work, so try not to be too hard on yourself. My mom was a yeller, but I have a lot of good memories. The fights I do remember I see differently now that I'm older, too (I was a tough kid in that I was very moody/occassionally prone to tantrums- so that would try anyone's patience)
((hugs)) you will get through this. talk to your DH about it and maybe try to take a little more time for yourself to decompress.
Ok first Potty training your child is not a reflection on you, so stop putting your pressure on her, it will lead to feelings of shame and negativity. You dont want her to hold in poops because of fear, or feel a negative assiociation with body functions- its just not healthy. An accident is an accident. Word hurt, and they stick with you for a long time- If your mother or husband called you a dog...how long would it take you to forget it. Dont name call- ever.
Second- If you are starting to scream at your children- now is the time to address it. A one time thing will be forgotten, a consistant thing be it daily, weekly or monthly will be how she sees you...and how you are- This may sound harsh- but it is true. Now is the time to stop and reflect on the type of mother you want to be, and the type of mother you are being. You are the only one who can change you, its ok to be angry and overwhelmed, its not ok to take out those feelings on children.
Being a teacher, you know if you screamed like that or called your classroom children names you would get fired. Think about your own behavior at home, and what you will personally accept as appropriate in your home with your family.
I can tell you are feeling sad and overwhelmed, but that is not an excuse, its a symptom. Recognizing the behavior that you want to change is the first step, continue down that path. You may need to vent more to friends or a counselor. You may have to address why you are ready to fly off the handle. Being a mom is the hardest job you will ever have- its 24 hours forever, you will never be perfect at it, but set limits on how you will talk to and behave in front of your child. Talking about it will help.
Please know that I'm not judging - I get very frustrated and haven't begun to deal with potty training yet, but I think the real issue is larger than the potty training. The fact that you want to walk away/escape might be worth looking in to.
I'm sure it's hard when you're teaching and need to be 'on' all day and then have things like this going on at home, and you need an outlet. Can you schedule specific 'you' time? Like 2 or 3 hours once a week away from your family that is specifically for you to do whatever you want? It would be something to look forward to, plan for, and would help with the 'trapped' feeling. But most importantly, please remind yourself that you will not always have young children. Isn't that unbelievable right now? It's true, though.
I agree with Emerald thought that when it comes to a formative thing like potty training, you'd be better off to walk away to collect yourself or have a mantra like "she's learning. It's hard." (Jillie had colic and has always been high need and I found a great book that helped me see life from her perspective which was the single greatest tool I've found thus far - I wish they wrote a sequel for toddlers and preschoolers, I could use it).
The feeling of wanting to run away concerns me, though, and reminds me of a time when I should have gotten counseling, didn't, and suffered needlessly for way too long. Taking the first step is hard, but you can really grow to love those one hour sessions when you get to talk about whatever you want without burdening someone you love.
Hugs to you. It's a hard job.
I also wonder if it would be possible for you to go to counseling.
I am not judging, and I want to say this as gently as possible, but it really hurts for a child to be insulted by the one person that is supposed to protect them above everyone else. I know you feel badly but one casual comment could be remembered by her for a very long time, long after you have forgotten about it.
I can feel your frustration and your sadness in your post, not just about your daughter but about your entire situation. Maybe a counselor can walk you through to find out what is the underlying issue causing all of your stress.
Please understand, I don't think you are a bad mother. I just think you are having a hard time. Kids always think that things are their fault and my hope is that a counselor can help you guys.
My DH came from a household which was verbally abusive and he is suffering even as an adult with issues from it. His father felt that his casual hurtful comments were nothing because he didn't mean them but my DH believed them when he was little. It still affects him to this day.
I can't say I have never yelled at my boys. It is human nature sometimes. Sometimes when we have a lot of stress things just hit us wrong. No one is perfect. I always try to remember my DH though and try my best to have more of a positive relationship with them. Potty training is hard. My older son was potty trained in a weekend. My younger son was sooooo stubborn, it took him months. Kids are all different. Maybe she needs pullups? And perhaps that would make it easier for you if she has an accident. I don't know. I certainly am not an expert...in anything these days.
I have been sad myself over the last couple of days so I know how that can affect someone. I hope that things work out for you guys and everything mellows out. You can vent here. I hope I didn't seem critical, that was not my intention at all. I just hope to try to share my own little life stories to maybe give someone elses perspective.