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the kids
This is my first post on this board...
i have a question to help out my friend. she started seeing this girl and really likes her...they both have kids, my friends daughter is 3 and her g/f's is 6...my friend is worried and isn't sure what to do about her daughter. her daughter is the 3 year old and isnt sure what to tell her as she gets older and sees mom with another girl, and not a "boy"..i told her that she doesnt understand now, but as she gets older and older she might be confused about if she is "supposed" to like girls too..ya know?? what do you think she should tell her daughter?
i think its great that she's found someone that makes her happy, and im all for it, but how does she explain to her daughter about the relationship? how girls are with girls......girls are with boys....boys with boys?? what should i tell her?
Re: the kids
Generally children will lead you to what they're ready to hear. For a three year old, specifics aren't necessary at all. Just seeing the relationship will teach her what it means. As her daughter gets older, she can explain more. Really though, just seeing her mom's relationship (and hopefully lots of other kinds of relationships) will show her what she needs to know: there are lots of ways to love people.
There seems to be no major difference between children of GLBT couples and heteros as far as confusion about their sexuality. When children ask about it, I think *all* parents should reply with some version of the following: "Most girls love boys and most boys love girls, but some girls love girls and some boys love boys. You will probably grow up to love someone of the other gender, but who ever you love is fine with me as long as they're nice to dogs." or whatever
I would encourage your friend to connect with other GLBT parents for guidance! (we're a pretty good place to start!)
she explains it just as you did....some girls like girls, some girls like boys, and some boys like boys - and when you grow up, its okay for you to love whoever you want. Its really as simple as that.
Kids will understand and accept the concept as long as the adults in thier life are open and comfortable with it themselves. All kids are surrounded by 10 billion examples of hetero relationships, these kids just also have the added benefit of having exposure to a same sex relationship. Really, the biggest thing is for the moms to be comfortable and open to answering any questions thier children have - being even slightly in the closet will send some dangerous mixed messages.
Also, there aren't many, but there are a couple kids books depicting 2 mom families out there, it may be a good tool to start the conversation.
Blogs: Our Growing Family - CT Working Moms
As pp's said, it really is as simple as - Some girls like boys, some like girls. Some boys like girls, some like boys. And all of those are okay.
You also have to remember that your friend and her girlfriend will not be the only example her daughter sees. Her daughter is still going to be completely inundated by images of heterosexuality as she grows up (tv, movies, books, walking down the street, etc,etc, etc) just like all of us did! One example in her family (even a parent) is not going to make her think that same-sex relationships are the one and only way.
I, like basically everyone else on this board, grew up with heterosexual parents and turned out to be gay -- it can and certainly does often happen the other way around too
It's very important to remember that just because she grows up with a same-sex relationship in her home, doesn't mean she won't be able to think and feel for herself.
I also definitely recommend looking up children's books by Todd Parr and searching for other LGBT-friendly books for the little girl. That's a great way to introduce her to different kinds of families and relationships. HTH!
sahm ~ toddler breastfeeder ~ cloth diaperer ~ baby wearer
Hi! This is my first response on this board...but I feel compelled, since I'm in a similar situation.
My daughter is almost 3, my girlfriend's daughter is 2.5. Mine from a hetero relationship, hers with a partner and a donor. We have been dating 9 months, I know, big deal right:) but I have to say I have NEVER been happier and as I've come out to friends it's been well received and a few "well it's about time."
But, back to the question at hand... I would say ditto the previous posters comments and add this... My girlfriend and I have said from the beginning it is MUCH better for our kids to see a happy, healthy, loving relationship than the ones they would have seen if we had stayed with our exes. Ultimately they will question and we have to be prepared to answer, which we will be. That said, I can already see the positive influence our relationship has on our kids, they are both growing attached to the other mommy and seek love and comfort from both of us when we are together.
Not knowing how long your friend and her girl have been together, I can't say at what point this should happen since we all move at different paces... but one other bit of advice I have for your friend is that if they are serious about their relationship I encourage them to try spending time together with all four of them. It will be important for the kids to bond to each other and for all of them to spend time together as a family. We have eased ourselves into this and now spend every other weekend and most Wednesday nights as a family and I have to say it is something that we look forward to, mommies and kids. We know this will build the foundation for moving in together in the future and will make that transition easier.
I wish your friend much happiness and the best of luck as she moves forward in this new phase of her life.