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Vent: I don't even know where to start...
As I was heading home yesterday from work my husband calls to tell me (not ask) that he wanted his parents to go see a few of the homes we have looked at!
WHAT!?!??!
My immediate response was "Umm... I thought we agreed to not get anyone involved, it's our choice, our home, and ultimately will be our mortgage".
DH: "well I think it would be good to get there opinion"
Me: "This is exactly what I didn't want to happen. We don't need opinions we need advice, and at this time I don't think we need anyones advice".
DH: "I don't know why you see this as a problem"... so on and so forth...
So I told him that we will talk about this when I got home which was only going to be within 5-10 minutes! When I got home I heard him on the phone--with his PARENTS! And then our REALTOR! What!??!?! What did he not understand about our talk.
Why can't he think about us and not HIM? grr...
At this point my blood was boiling and instead of lashing out at him I opened up a bottle of wine, and sat quietly in the living room while he was on the phone upstairs!
He finally came down and knew I was upset because he saw me drinking... which I hardly ever drink, but if I have a bad day at work then I normally have a glass to unwind... (I swear I'm not an alcoholic)!
So I attempted to explain to him why I was not happy that he went behind my back... long story short his parents ended up going to see two of the homes we have looked at (one which we placed an offer on last night/this morning). One of the homes isn't really in our top ranking, but because its so over the top I guess he wanted to show them the house... and of course his dad liked the home, and doesn't understand why we don't want to place an offer on the home!
Keep in mind; my in-laws are from New York, and are very opinionated!
I think his mom could sense that I was not happy last night, and kept her comments and opinions to herself... unlike his father.
I survived, but of course once again caused more stress than I needed to deal with.
Later that evening Jon slipped and mentioned that his mother had called and wanted to go look at some of the homes... WHAT? Why couldn't he be a man and tell her that our Realtor was busy (which he is and was; he's getting married on Saturday) and that they would see it once we bought it! What's the big damn deal... my parents aren't requesting to see homes. They know we are competent adults who will make a good decision!
Then my husband calls me this morning to tell me that his mother called to inquire why I was in such a weird mood last night... and DH (being a coward) tells her I had a rough day at work.
After thinking about it and talking to a friend; if she confronts me about it (which she might) I'm going to tell her that I wasn't upset at them I was upset at her son for going behind my back and breaking our agreement of not involving any parties except for us! And that our Relator and good friend spent 2.5 hours of his time last night when he needs to be at home helping his future wife get ready for there wedding on Saturday!
What do you ladies think... am I wrong for being upset about this?
Thank you for letting me vent!
Re: Vent: I don't even know where to start...
I don't think you're wrong AT ALL. I agree with you 100%!! I would be the same way if my DH did that. My DH used to be a real mama's boy and very often sought out their opinion on lots of things. Thankfully I have talked to him enough about it for him to understand my feelings. Its our house, our life, we make the decisions, regardless of their opinions.
I think your DH needs to get the guts to stand up to his parents a bit more and give your opinions to them too and put you and your decisions as first as a married couple should be.
(I hope that didn't come out as mean or snarky...I dealt with that a lot with an EX and he wouldn't stand up to his mom about any.thing. and it helped make the decision to not continue with our relationship....and again my DH has finally let go of some of those issues and puts us first.)
Thanks girls!
DH is getting better about standing up to his parents, although it's definitely a work in progress! grr...
Oh yea I would've been pissed off too!!!!
I mean its great to have a husband who has a great relationship with his parents. That's awesome. But if the two of you made a decision to do this on your own and not share the details until the home is bought, then over the phone express that you're upset and he still called his parents over...yea not cool.
My DH seeks his parents opinions a lot. He's gotten better it used to be that I told him what I thought and it wouldn't really convince him. When he would call his parents and they told him the same advice it was now golden.
Keep the lines of communication WIDE OPEN. I noticed that when I'm get pissed and upset it wasn't as effective as me having a heart to heart of how him doing those things hurt me. It takes for everyone to get used to not relying on your parents so much anymore. It'll get better...
I'm sorry that you and DH got into it about the house last night.
I'm going to be the dissenting voice here - when DH and I looked at houses, we brought along my MIL. She was a wealth of information and brought up things that we never would have thought of. Buying a home is most likely the largest investment you would ever make. I don't think that DH was deliberately going against your wishes when talking w/his parents - he's excited and knows that they would offer viewpoint that both of you wouldn't because you haven't been homeowners before.
Keep in mind I'm not saying that your inlaws aren't kooky or it was okay for your DH to call up the realtor who is getting married this weekend to have another looksy for your mom or that it was okay for DH to do it again after you told him you wanted to keep the house hunting between the two of you. all of that seems over the top.
I just wanted to suggest that DH may just be very excited at the front end and shared the info with his parents and then it just snowballed!
Regardless - I hope it all works out for y'all with the house
BTW - how far away will you be from the in-laws if you get this house?
Hey there, and what a pain! I think you were well within your rights to complain about the ILs input on your new home. If your MIL confronts you, I'd tell her exactly what you said. Might as well be up front about it now and start a good tradition with them!
I know you're recently married (like me) and I think it just takes awhile to get the boys out of the "son" and into the "husband" mentality. I love love love my ILs, but I do have to remind DH on a regular basis that we are grown ups that can exist just fine without attending every single family event and getting their opinion on everything. I'm close to my parents too, but I've always been very independant and I think that's the difference between DH and me...
Anyway, good luck with the house and congrats on the offer! Where are you buying?
Thanks girls...
BridalK--I'm sure he wasn't trying to do it intentionally and that's why I think he doesn't understand why I'm upset by it... we realize it's such a big purchase and I think with him hearing his parents swoon over the homes we are looking at would give him a little more self confidence in the purchase!
Jessie--I totally agree... it takes most men a while to move from sons to husbands... Unlike us women--we are born with this "motherly" like instinct! I too have always been very close with my parents, but very independent. My parents realize that and have not offered any insight unless asked...
I must admit I'm lucky I do get along with with my IL, but we still can have our HUGE differences. They have raised there family much differently than my own--that's what makes us all unique!
We are hoping to stay in our current area of town Narcoossee/Moss Park area. The home we placed the offer on this morning would be the furtherest away from both sets of parents... adding an additional 5-10 minute commute to both of them. We currently live a very close and semi-equal driving distance between both sets of parents. We talked about wanting to look at homes around downtown/college park/winter park and MIL has voiced her opinion about not wanting us that far (we currently live the closest).
I will keep everyone posted around Thursday/Friday as to what we find out about this offer. It's killing me, and I pray that the bank takes our low offer! I don't want to get to attached to this home, but I do love it, so I hope it will all work out!!!
Our first offer has been accepted as a "back-up" offer in case the first offer falls through--that could take up to 45 days until we find out, so we are going to keep putting offers in until one of the banks "bite"!