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How to deal with her parents....
So when Sandy's parents discovered her with a girl, they beat her. Literally. They are religious and her dad is actually more of a zealot and holds church services in his house. Anyway, as soon as Sandy could move away at 18, she did. She has no hope for a relationship with her father. But she really loves her mom and visits her pretty often. BUT...she doesn't talk about her personal life and her mom doesn't want to hear about GFs or anything related to her being a lesbian.
Now...here I come. I am older than Sandy and while she is the non-confrontational type....my mom always described me more as "I would argue with a sign-post and STILL take the wrong road home!".
I know Sandy wants to just keep the peace. But unlike her previous relationships, we are putting on rings in just a few months and this is forever. And I guess I keep thinking of the big picture...are we all going to just still be pretending I'm a "roommate" for 30 years?? Sandy has never married before and this is a big step and I guess I just think that maybe THIS relationship is important enough to maybe start the beginnings of a dialogue with just her mom to try to break thru this problem. Even just a little.
I have really struggled with this as I have never been considered "the bad guy" before and I feel since I kind of don't exist as far as her mom is concerned, that I am not good enough to be around her. And I am a very hard working person, good provider, good mom and I love Sandy more than anyone in my life. Yet I can't even begin to try to "prove" myself as I don't exist....
Sorry for the rambling. This is the one sticky point in our relationship and I welcome any insights from you all.
Re: How to deal with her parents....
I totally understand how you are feeling. However, in my case...I exist, my name is just not mentioned that often.
The beauty, Kim, is found in Sandy. She wants to marry you and that is ALL that matters. I look in Christine's eyes and see she loves me...that is what makes my day. I know where her family stands, but MOST importantly, I know where SHE stands.
Thank you for the response. You're right. I'm not marrying THEM and she does love me like crazy.
AND I really appreciate hearing from someone who wouldn't just give me the...well...this is what you are stuck dealing with when you're a lesbian..answer.
Perspective....I just gotta keep it all in perspective....
oh hells no! i doubt you'd get that response from anyone on here!!
If it were me, I'd ask her to bring up the conversation again and at least tell them about me and the seriousness of our relationship. at that point the ball is in thier court and thier reaction is out of your control, but at least you've put it out there and its off your shoulders. kwim?
Maybe she'd be comfortable putting it in a letter to her mom?
Blogs: Our Growing Family - CT Working Moms
Yes and No. I know she is VERY reticent to open this topic with her mom again. Regardless of WHO she is having a relationship with because her parents have hurt her SO very badly over this topic for YEARS. She hates the fact that she has to carry on a suface only chit chat while over there because she can't talk about her life.
So I have tried to worm my way in thru other methods...so to speak. I offer to cook things for them for Sandy to take over. But she refuses. She says...oh that's too much trouble...or...they probably wouldn't like that...etc. I think she is afraid to even say that KIM cooked something for them because then they might have to acknowledge my existance.
It's so touchy. I don't want to be a headstrong crusader forcing Sandy into a confrontation she desperately wants to avoid...but I wonder how the hell I'm supposed to just pretend this is cool for the rest of our lives.
She says she's going to talk to her mom about me once we're married. Of course her mom will notice the ring and ask. And Sandy says she is going to respond with..."Well do you really want to know Mom or not? Because this is something that is very important to me but you never allow me to speak of my life."
I guess I have to just let this go. It's a no-win situation and it's ridiculous to have this struggle over this one topic when we are so deliciously happy otherwise. SANDY loves me. That will have to be enough.
You know?
I was in Sandy's position before Sylvia and I got married. I had been officially "out" to my parents for 15 years, but it always caused pain between us, so they ignored it and I (generally, and in part because they live several thousand miles away) let them ignore it. I hated that feeling.
After lots of discussion between Sylvia and I (which helped me understand how painful it was for S for me to allow my parents to ignore our relationship), I flew down to see my parents and told them that S and I were getting married (they'd met S when she came to be with me when my grandmother was dying, so it wasn't totally out of the blue). I thought they'd be mad, or cry, or have some sort of dramatic reaction, but they didn't. My mom just kept repeating "every day, in every way, I am working for your salvation." It was not a great experience. I did ask them to "prayerfully consider" attending or perhaps even participating in the wedding.
Fast forward a few months, and I hadn't heard anything, so I sent them an email just saying that wedding plans were wrapping up so if they wanted to participate in the planning, they'd have to let me know. I included links to pictures of me in my dress (from when I tried it on) to help make it more "real". About a week later I got an email from my dad saying that they did not plan to participate or attend. We did send them an invite anyway, but did not get the response card back.
Post-wedding, I've made an effort to drop S's name into phone conversations, and am more clear about my commitment to her in my life (e.g. when I was not at their house for Christmas last year, they knew I was at S's mom's house). It's still painful, and they switch topics as fast as they can when I bring her up, but who knows, maybe eventually our efforts will pay off.
All I can say is please try to talk with Sandy about what you need and how you feel about how she is handling her relationship with her parents, but also have empathy for what she is going through. Maybe baby steps will help the situation, maybe they won't, but they are probably worth a try (my whole orientation towards the problem was that I didn't want to have any regrets about missed opportunities-- so at least I gave them the opportunity to step up and be supportive; that they declined that opportunity is on them). Best wishes-- I know it's hard on both of you!
IUI #3 gave us the best 2nd anniv. gift ever: 2 babies! (born 03/09/10)
Peanut and Little Man are getting so big! 2 years old already!
finally blogging again at This Will Be: An Adventure
In my opinion, Sandy should talk to her mom before you get married, not after. Give her mom a chance to hear and start to deal with the fact that her daughter is in love and committing to someone for life before it happens, not after. Most parents would be very hurt and/or angry if their son/daughter got married and did not tell them, whether or not they approved of their choice in partner. The shock of finding out that you got married could make the blow even worse.
We dealt with the relatives on Cecilia's mother's side of the family (almost every last one of them) not accepting us. We decided to be open and honest and leave the ball in their court. When we moved to Boston together, Cecilia sent them a change of address note that let them know that she had moved with her partner and included a picture of us and a short update. We heard nothing back. Months later, we sent them all Save the Dates and then Invitations to our wedding - a couple of them were accepting and kind, and one even attended the wedding, the rest did not come, most not even bothering to RSVP (nice). This year, Cecilia did not even get a Xmas card from her grandparents on that side. Now, these are family members spread over many states, who only get together once or twice a year, so it's so much a part of our daily lives. So far, we havent' been faced with attending a holiday or gathering with them - when we do, we have decided we will give them a chance. We'll attend, and if we don't feel that they are at least courteous and respectful, that will be it - they will not be a part of our lives. Done.
It all comes down to what you and Sandy are comfortable with. It sounds like you're not comfortable being kept a secret, and I don't blame you!! With the situation with C's family, I would not remain silent. I sent them that picture of our smiling faces and our big gay wedding invitations - I refuse to act like we have anything to be ashamed of. I think, and this is my opinion, so feel free to tell me to stuff it
that Sandy owes it to you and to her mom to be honest. Give her mom a chance, and she might surprise you. I could take time, but it might happen. Or it might not happen, and that's the reality that we all face in coming out to those who don't understand/accept us. I just don't feel that the horrible feeling of being kept secret is worth it.
Dealing with family issues like this is the absolute worst, and so many of us have been there. You and Sandy have each other, and you'll get through it together.
sahm ~ toddler breastfeeder ~ cloth diaperer ~ baby wearer
IUI #3 gave us the best 2nd anniv. gift ever: 2 babies! (born 03/09/10)
Peanut and Little Man are getting so big! 2 years old already!
finally blogging again at This Will Be: An Adventure
sahm ~ toddler breastfeeder ~ cloth diaperer ~ baby wearer
First off...thanks to all for the supportive and informative responses. I have struggled so much with this and didn't really have anyone to talk to about it.
There's more to the story. I was bi-sexual and once I met Sandy, I was hooked completely! So now we live together and so on. Once I realized I truly loved her, I told the people that were important to me. I have always been an open person and I figured that they would either accept it or not, but that would not deter me from my love for Sandy. My mom (who I do not have a very good relationship with) falls under the "don't ask, don't tell" category. She comes over fairly often, knows we sleep in the same bed, travel together, do everything together, write little love notes to each other on the kitchen whiteboard...yet she doesn't ask THE question. And when/if she does, I will be open and honest with her. Sandy and I live like we always do...even when she's around and figure she knows..but it's such a switch from who she always thought I was before..that she just doesn't want to talk about it. However, she hugs Sandy and is nice to her and all that.
I say all this because it was scary for me to come out as completely "changing teams" to my friends and loved ones. But I was so blissfully happy that I just had to share and go ahead and get it over with. Thankfully, I have had pretty positive reactions.
So my thought on this is...I was brave...I would hope she would be too. I realize that a full relationship with them and me is probably never going to happen. I think I could be satisfied with Sandy just at least saying..mom...I'm in love, I'm getting married and if you don't ever want to discuss this topic, so be it...but know that I am happy and well taken care of.
Realistically...I don't know if that can happen. they have hurt her (repeatedly) so deeply..emotionally AND physically that she just doesn't feel there is any hope. And I understand that too. She has been burned over and over trying to talk about her life with her mom...and her mom responding with...I am not going to talk about this. Or when she has attended a family event and brought a GF and her parents try to force her to make her GF leave or to sit out in the car...
Such blatant hate is so completely foreign and uncalled for to me that I just don't get it. How can you believe in God and love and compassion and then be so brutal and hurtful to your own flesh and blood...?
It's a totally fair desire on your part to want that conversation to happen. And under normal circumstances, that would be totally realistic.
But the treatment that you describe that Sandy parents have given her is apalling. From what you say, it doesn't sound like there is much chance of them coming around, and I don't know how/why Sandy can continue to have a relationship with them. It sounds like it's heading to point of deciding if these people are going to be in her life at all.
sahm ~ toddler breastfeeder ~ cloth diaperer ~ baby wearer
She talks about that one day she may have to just walk away. But then it upsets her because in spite of her mom's behavior in the past and to a milder degree now, she still loves her. She was the one (out of 5 children) who spent days visiting her mom in the hospital recently when she had a bad accident. And she would go every weekend and run errands for her and clip her toenails and bathe her and so on. YET...she thinks if she brings this up with her, her mom will still just poo on the whole topic and there will be no progress. I don't want her to think I want her to give up her mom. I certainly would NEVER ask that. I guess I just needed to vent about this to someone else besides Sandy. On this topic, as strongly as I may feel about it, it is truly Sandy's decision and I am forced into being an observer only. So...that's that.
As hard is it is for the one who's family it is, it is hard for the other too. I completely understand what you are saying - C was the one who had to make the decision when it came to her family, and giving up her grandparents was hard for her to do. You and Sandy will do what you feel is best, and we're all here to talk about it when you need to.
sahm ~ toddler breastfeeder ~ cloth diaperer ~ baby wearer