communication (vent and need advice)

Meegs10.13.06

Lately I feel like Trav and I have not been communicating that well. I don't know what it is, but we keep ending up fighting because one of us is expecting one thing and the other person is expecting something completely different. I'm really frustrated. I just want to be able to have a conversation and adequately communicate what I need and hear back exactly what he needs. Sounds so simple, right? Why is it not?

I feel like part of this is the miscarriage. It brought out so many emotions. But also we've been together for almost 9 years... and are very different people now then when we first started dating.  I think that is finally catching up to us with everything lately, and really we need to relearn how to express ourselves.

I don't even know what kind of advise you could give me (tips for better ways to express myself?), I guess I just needed to get this out because I'm feeling so frustrated at the moment. We just had the worst conversation this morning about a graduation party we are going to this weekend for one of my good friends. He is so anti-social sometimes (he'd just rather relax at home) and getting him to go out is a chore. But he has known about this for months and I normally don't even ask him to go to things unless they are important to me. Its to the point that I dread bringing up excursions because I know that he'll just get pissed that I even want him to go... but I hate having to make up an excuse for why my freakin husband isn't there. And he initially said that he would go, so I hate that its a big deal again. Its like this for any event... lunch or dinner with friends, public events I'd love to attend by rarely do, etc.

Anyway, sorry this is so long... but I guess I just didn't know who else to ask about this. 

madisonpeas

Hey Meegs - I don't really know you all that well but wanted to offer my support. I have had the partner who doesn't want to go anywhere issue in a past relationship and it IS really hard to always explain that away, as you know.  I also have friends who went through a miscarriage recently and some of their difficulty with it was sort of delayed....we thought they were doing ok (as well as could be expected I guess) and then they hit a really rough patch unexpectedly.  Do you or you and Trav have a therapist who might be helpful to bounce some ideas off?  I just know it can help, and has helped me a ton, to have a third party who is neutral or at least not a friend or family member. 

Hope that was not over-helping....just a few ideas.  Hang in there - you two have a long history and will figure this out!

Duchess1

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I wish I could offfer you a  quick fix.S doesn't like social events much either and it is always a sticking point for us.

We do our best to communicate but I think we tend to get so wrapped up in our own feelings that we cannot really hear what the other is saying. When a big event, good or bad, happens it can make it so hard to stay on the same page.

You went through something incredibly painful and heartbreaking. Each of you feels that loss but in such different ways. He may not know how to reach out to you or feel guilty that you had to endure the physical side of the loss and pull away. He may also not understand why you continue to struggle with grief or he may be grieving, but a lot more than he lets on.

I hope you are able to really talk and work through this together. I am sending love and hugs to you.

 

Mrs._F

C and I have had a few problems communicating in the past too - you can just get into this mode (usually when one or both of us is stressed about something else) where the communication gets off track and it can turn into a crappy situation quickly.  What has worked for us is sitting down at a non-stressful, open time (nothing to do, nowhere to go) and just calmly talking it all out.  Telling each other how we've been feeling, trying to explain what we've been trying to say to one another, and listening to the other's side.  That has always helped us get back on track.  Maybe you and Trav can set aside some time to sit and just hear each other out.  You two have been able to communicate for 9 years now - this is just a blip, and you can fix it together

Meegs10.13.06

Thanks ladies. I emailed Trav about all this and he responded with a great email back. We're going to talk tonight.

ctbride08

i wanted to respond earlier but work got in the way!  I'm so thrilled to hear that things are looking up

communication break downs are sooooo common. even the best and strongest relationships require a little work at times. ((big hugs))

leapgirl8

Since this was posted yesterday maybe you get everything sorted out last night, but I just wanted to respond as the partner who never wants to go to things

Well, I wouldn't say never - I just don't like meeting new people, or spending social time with people I don't know very well. Often, this translates into me wanting Jen to spend time with MY friends (who know her very well and vice versa b/c of law school functions), but me being reluctant to spend time with her friends, especially ones she meets through work or other activities that don't involve me. That isn't fair and I recognize that. The thing that has helped the most is that Jen basically prioritizes her social functions and communicates to me clearly what she wants me to attend, and sometimes why, and as far in advance as possible. She does quite a few things with her friends solo and she's fine with that as long as I'm not cranky about the things she does want me to go to. The things I attend (with minimal complaining!) are often work functions, where I need to be there because everyone brings a spouse and she would look/feel out of place without me, or social events that are important to her friends because it's a birthday or something like that.?

I realized at some point that, at least as far as our?marriage goes, it is my absolute duty as a spouse to attend social functions with her - that's part of the package. I expect her to do the same for me, and just because she's the social butterfly and I'm not doesn't change that. It's a work in progress but working together to figure out how we can match up her priorities and my comfort zone has improved the situation a lot.

bluedaisyus

i'm late to the post, too, but i'm glad you had a positive response to your email. hope the talk went well!

Two*True

I didn't post yesterday because I wanted to come up with some brillant piece of advice.  But I think pp said it all.  I hope you're talk last night went well.

xo!

Meegs10.13.06

leapgirl8:

Since this was posted yesterday maybe you get everything sorted out last night, but I just wanted to respond as the partner who never wants to go to things

Thanks for this... it was good to read advice from someone with the other perspective. 

We did decide that we're going to do actual sit down conversations to discuss just what events are coming up (aka. other things that need to be discussed will be in a separate conversation). Then we can figure out in a non-confrontational way what we'll both go to or just me, and work out the details about how things will work with the pup.

And we talked about the way we communicate in general, and I'm feeling a lot better.

Thanks ladies.