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MIA No more!
Hi Everyone! Sorry in advance this will probably be a long read.
Saw the post from Rikki over the weekend and promised myself that today I would give a little (ok not so little) update and let you all know that I haven't died or moved to a remote village without internet access or something else crazy. I've been here and I've been lurking but I just havent been posting, I haven't been blogging either or facebooking much. Not quite sure why. For a while I got really obsessed with dieting and was dedicating far too much time to sparkpeople.com and being insane about everything that I put in my mouth. I think i was looking for someone that was completely in my control and just went overboard. This was probably the start of the problem. Having to stabalize with that has forced me to come to terms with some other things. For the last 2 and half years while i was leaving my ex husband, coming out of the closet, falling in love with T, becoming a other mother for the first time, trying to get my finances under control, learning everything I could about having a partner with multiple sclerosis and a million other things I've just been so swamped with life that I haven't had much time to really reflect on things and check in on my emotional stability. Things have slowed down quite a bit and I've had more time to think lately. Our relationship has lost that first year excitment and now its more about real life, having a real life together ofcourse. Now that the novelty has worn off I find myself dealing with my inner demons, past problems and the depression i've been battling since my father passed when I was 16. In the 7 years since then i've avoided that depression with keeping myself spread to thin, involving myself in whatever opportunities came my way, then getting married to man i couldn't love but could tolerate and trying to keep up with the jones', then replacing the pain with promiscious sex and then finally realizing that part of my problem was denying my sexual identity, fixed that and got busy with life and now that brings us to now. I'm happy in my realtionship, love my family and job and appreciate my life. The depression isnt as bad as it was but no matter how well i try to hide it its still there. I'm extremely intense and lack balance in EVERYTHING, I put everything i have into my interest of the moment and never ever relax. My biggest problem is that behind the facade of exuberance and confidence I'm incredibly insecure, i drive T crazy with this. She would love it if I could just relax, trust her loving me and be happy, but i can't. She looks at me wrong and I think shes stopped loving me, that she will leave and I will lose the greatest love of my life, her amazing kids that I love as if they were my own, all of our friends, and all the things important to me. I spend a lot of time apologizing without need and trying to be perfect, or what I think people will find perfect. I am working on getting past this and being myself and loving myself enough to trust that people will love the real me but its a hard battle. I know i need to get back to being myself though, to talking to you wonderful ladies, to blogging again, to going out with friends, to keeping a tidy house, to working out, spending time in the sun and to stop worrying where my life might take me, what I could lose along the way, and enjoy every second of my life I can while I have it. Please kick me in the butt sooner if I distance myself again, because its important to me to have this place as well as a few others. I miss you ladies and thank you so much Rikki for checking in on me, I needed it.
Re: MIA No more!
Thanks so much for posting and for lack of a better phrase, welcome back!
I know exactly what you mean about it being hard to trust that T won't stop loving you. S and I went through several rounds of that when we were first together. Therapy has done wonders for me in that department-- I highly recommend it! (Not saying that this is the case with you, but for me, having come out of my last relationship that was incredibly emotionally abusive, it was hard to even trust that I was "worthy" of S's love at the beginning. I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop until I finally came to a place where I really truly believe there.is.no.other.shoe.)
We are always here to lend an ear, so please keep posting.
IUI #3 gave us the best 2nd anniv. gift ever: 2 babies! (born 03/09/10)
Peanut and Little Man are getting so big! 2 years old already!
finally blogging again at This Will Be: An Adventure
Blogs: Our Growing Family - CT Working Moms
I'm sorry you were struggling but so happy you posted. We are always here for you. I hope you are feeling much better.
I came from an abusive (emotionally and sometimes physically) relationship before Sandy and I understand your fear at believing that good things can acutally be happening to "you"....but as hard as it is to do...you have to look at your love and say..I love you..with all that I am...and I am ready to completely trust that you love me just the same...please respect that and don't hurt me. Then let all the worrying go and ENJOY YOUR LOVE and your life!! Believe me, it is such a weight off you shoulders to just believe..to have faith..and to take what she is telling you about her feelings as the whole truth.
Relax...have fun...and BELIEVE....and I'm sure you're going to be fine.
Welcome back!
You are all so wonderful, thanks for you support and words of wisdome
much love!
I miss you!!!! Email me....I, too, have been wondering where you were, but I lost your email address.
I also haven't been posting on here because of issues and depression I'm dealing with also 
Reading your post made me feel like I wrote it (in some areas it was different, but 98% is me). I have been going through a tough time too, and maybe we could talk to each other and help one another out
I hope that things are getting better for you! Your a strong woman and I know you are going to succeed in everything you put your mind too 
We all love you and miss you!
Glad you are back. I have some major depression issues too and I know how hard it can be when you get into a bad place to get out of the hole and back to life. Hope you are feeling better soon.
~Kennedy