Wedding Present Etiquette

MoxieHavoc

Hi there. We're from Chicago, but recently moved out of state. My husband was invited to a coworker's wedding, one who he worked with closely. They are not good friends, but keep in touch. We were invited to his wedding, but could not attend, as it was a Friday wedding and it was too difficult to take the time off and it would be extremely costly to go back to Chicago for the wedding.

Now, we're wondering what the etiquette is on sending a gift and how much to spend...? Are we supposed to send a gift? We invited this coworker to our wedding and he gave us 50 dollars when he attended, should we give him less since we didn't attend?

Not sure what to do here!

Thanks!

ladychicago

i don't think you are obligated to send a gift.    heck, if we sent gifts for every wedding we were invited to......  eek.   that'd be a lot of money.  

 but if you DO want to buy a gift (and i'd probably be tempted to since he gave you guys a gift), i'd give what i was planning on giving if i did attend.   i'm not sure i'd spend less specifically b/c i didn't attend.  i'm not sure i understand why you'd do that.  
 

MoxieHavoc

Oh, well I'd do that because normally if you attend a wedding, you try to spend as much as they spend on a plate.  In Chicago, it usually costs around 100 dollars a plate, whereas we aren't close, we didn't attend and I don't really want to spend 200 dollars on a gift because like you said...it gets pretty pricey sending gifts to all the weddings we don't go to. 

ladychicago

well, then i apparently suck...  i've never heard of that "per plate" rule for gifts.    that seems like an odd rule.   why should you be obligated to spend more b/c the bride and groom decided to have a spendy wedding?   and does that mean people with low key weddings only get $25?    that doesn't seem right.   

we give based on our relationship to the couple, regardless of the location/cost of their wedding.    family and close friends get more than acquaintances.   

MoxieHavoc

No, you don't suck!  I think everyone has different ideas they grew up with.  Anyway, it's not that people with less spendy weddings get nothing, it's just that they get more of a minimum.  like 100 for two people attending the wedding, where as people who have spendier weddings or people who are closer to you get more.  At least that's what I've always done, but now I'm not sure what to do about this coworker who is more of an acquantaince, and a wedding that we didn't attend. Some etiquette stuff said that you're still required to send a gift because you are honored enough to get an invite and other stuff said, you don't need to send a gift at all.  And then, I'm not sure how much to send...mmmm...no idea on that yet! 

ladychicago

i'm convinced wedding etiquite was written by representatives of the wedding industry as a way to get everyone to spend more money.   i wouldn't give it too much thought.   but that's just me.  

MoxieHavoc

you make a good point.

steenbean

As you can see everyone has a different idea on wedding gift?etiquette, so I would just go with what you feel is right and don't try to figure out what their idea of acceptable is. ?Heck, if I went by the cover your plate rule, I would have disowned half my friends by now! ?I had close friends that came to my wedding and gave nothing, not even mentioning the people that didn't show up. ?We were grateful for everything we got, no matter how big or small.