How do I tell my daughter?

nevr2amazin

Hello All! I am need of a bit of advice. I read a lot about telling parents, but I have another dilemma?I have to tell my 20-year-old only child (adult) that we are pregnant. I want to try to make this short so I will write in list form: My daughter is adopted and she has lived most of her life trying to please me?thinking I would give her back/away. She was definitely an only child She lived with me up until she was 16 but then went to live with my mom because she HATED DC. A few years back when she heard that we were thinking of having kids she said something to the effect of, "Do you want to have a 'do-over' so you can have a better kid?" (she had some behavioral problems in her late teens) She's had a really difficult time in the past year (including needing psychiatric care). She's doing better now, but is still a little fragile/sensitive. She is likely to be deployed to Iraq in October (she is in the National Guard) We have a pretty good relationship and talk a couple of times a week. I try to see her at least 4 times a year, but must admit that this year it has only been once so far. I plan to tell her over the phone, since I probably won't get down to visit her until closer to her deployment. I have not told any family members (other than my mother) because I want to be the one to tell my daughter. Any advice on what I should say or how I should approach the conversation is greatly appreciated.

thefamilyway904

Although the situation is a little different, my cousin's experience came to mind after reading your post. She was just entering college when her sister (my other cousin) was born. Prior to that she was the only girl in the family. When she talks about that time, she remembers feeling like her parents were replacing her because she was growing up and moving out of the house. There was a lot of  jealousy at first, but eventually she started to feel like she had a special role to play in her sister's life....somewhere between average sibling and mother. I do believe that my aunt fostered those feelings. In your shoes, I would probably use really inclusive language when telling her the good news in the hopes that it would make your daughter feel like this pregnancy is something amazing that's happening her family's life, not just in the life that you and C have created together. You know your daughter best, but maybe she might respond well to the idea that she'll be able to play a special roles in the lives of these babies that you and C will not be able to offer as mothers. And maybe you can reinforce that with a special gift or letter that she can open while you are telling her the good news over the phone. What ever decision you come to, I wish you all the best!

thefamilyway904

Gah! That was a novel chock full of typos. Sorry.

ctbride08

I think the only way to approach this is with sensitivity and allowing her plenty of space to process the news as she needs.  Its good that you've at least broached the subject of more kids so its not a total shock. 

Overall, I would just try to make it as clear as possible that you are not trying to replace any family but simply add to it. as pp suggested, I would also express how excited i was for her to be a big sister to the new babies - how they are really going to have a special gift of an older sister.  Finally, you might want to reassure her that even though you are looking forward to welcoming new children into your life, you are also 100% committed to keeping your relationship with her strong and special.

best of luck, although I have no doubt you'll handle the conversation with much tact and grace.

Meegs10.13.06

This is a really tough situation and I'm not sure how much advice I can give you, but I wanted to offer my two cents and wish you luck.

- Remember that you can't control her reaction, but you can control how you present the information. Don't go into this with the attitude of "I did something to my daughter." 

- Make sure you present it to her with lots of love. Express that she was the one who made you realize how rewarding being a mom is, and that you wanted your wife to be able to experience that too. 

- Keep in mind that her initial reaction does not dictate how she will end up feeling about the situation. While she might be caught off guard and be shocked and initially hurt by the information, just keep interacting with her in a way as close to normal as possible, a way that shows you love her completely and no babies will change that. Hopefully if she isn't excited by the news initially, she will learn to accept the situation, and hopefully love her little siblings. 

- Don't expect her to immediately be able to open up and have a full conversation about the pregnancy and how it makes her feel. Allow her time to process, and give her some space, but also don't make her make the first move afterwards if too much time starts passing. Call just to ask about how the rest of her life is going. 

Again, good luck and hopefully none of this advice will be needed! 

nevr2amazin

Thank you all so much for your responses...the advice is well heard. I will definitely try my best to make her feel special and a welcomed/needed/wanted part of this beautiful journey.

 Again...THANK YOU!

Meegs10.13.06

Let us know how it goes when you do talk to her.

My fingers are crossed that its easier than you expect!