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Need help for a friend..
I have a friend who is young (23) and she hasn't been out of the closet for long (maybe a year and a half). I've only known her while she was out. She's been upset lately because a long time friend of her's is getting engaged. I guess she admitted her love for this engaged friend and the friend felt uncomfortable and wants to end the friendship. She's implied that engaged friend and her maybe explored in the past as they were "growing up," but it seems the engaged friend is straight.
In my experience, my friend becomes attached to women who are straight and then wants more. For instance, she has in the past smacked me on the butt and has "hit" on me. I've told her in the past that she shouldn't waste her time hitting on me, she should find a lady friend that like's her mutually. She is clear now that I'm confident in my straight-ness, totally fine with her not being straight, we're friends etc. However, I still see her reaching out and getting hurt with women who aren't gay or aren't comfortable being openly gay. I think some of it stems from her being young, but how do I talk to her to make her understand that falling for straight women all the time is only going to get her hurt?
Re: Need help for a friend..
I don't really think there is a way to make her understand. She'll have to learn that one for herself.
Is she having a hard time meeting other gay women? Even just as friends? I know it can be hard to find community. She might want to do a little research to find a local gay and lesbian center, newspaper, online community, etc. I think when newly out, it's very beneficial to find other lgbt people to relate to and hang out with.
But just as some straight women always go for the "bad boy," some lezzies always fall for the straights, LOL
sahm ~ toddler breastfeeder ~ cloth diaperer ~ baby wearer
hello, fellow Ohioan! is your friend in cincy too?
has she ever been in a relationship with a woman before? not messing around, but an actual relationship? i ask not because i doubt her sexuality at all, but because if she hasn't then this honestly might be a way of exploring her feelings in a "safe" way. it's really, really scary to come out, and it's really scary--but insanely exciting--to get involved with another woman in a serious way for the first time. it's a big step, and it might be one that she just hasn't been ready to face.
Yep, good ole cincinnati. I don't think she has had a "relationship" beyond sexual with another woman. She really doesn't have many friends even. I think she is really scared to be-friend women (when she i first started being friends she always thanked me for being her friend, and noted that my boyfriend was cool for "allowing" me to be friends with her - now she says that we're both cool). I think she is in desparate need to "connect" on some level with someone, but her sexuality makes her nervous. (she constantly brings it up) Does that make sense? I am not really articulating well here.
I understand.
I think that when you are coming out, you feel as though your sexual orientation defines who you are. It is a big (HUGE) piece of your identity (one reason you see people who are just coming out with rainbow flags on everything!) But once you accept that your sexual identity is just a part of you are - it more or less falls to the background. For some people this stage is short lived and for others it is longer - and for others it is a lifetime.
What you are saying makes perfect sense - I would like to ditto 2brides 100% (well said!).
When fairly newly out and still figuring out sexuality, it can be a little like being an awkward teen all over. All you can do is be supportive, and maybe point her in the direction of some community. I think that connecting with other lgbt people is really invaluable in coming to terms with and getting fully comfortable with one's sexuality.
sahm ~ toddler breastfeeder ~ cloth diaperer ~ baby wearer
Chiming in very late:
Since it sounds like connecting with more lgbt folks would help, maybe you could do some research on local events/discussion groups/lesbian hangouts and then offer to go with her as a straight ally and friend. Then she's doesn't have to go alone into a new and intimidating space.