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Don't know what to do
My mom called me yesterday to tell me that my grandmother is in intensive care.
Background: Her health has been failing for a while now and for the past 4-5 months she's been in and out of rehab hospitals and skilled nursing facilities. She went home (she lives w/ my aunt and uncle) for 2 weeks and it was clear she needed much more care than could be provided there and she went back into the nursing home. Well, she's been so stressed about her health, money, being a burden on others, ect that she's actually developed a large ulcer thats currently bleeding out of control. This is technically what landed her in the ICU, although she also has a number of other issues on top of this.
As of yesterday she was stable(ish), breathing on her own, and doing some talking, but its still unclear which way this is going to go. Not to mention that she's decided she's tired of fighting and ready to go....we went through all this two years ago with andrea's grandfather and I know that once they've decided its time, it can often happen very quickly.
So back to the title...i have no idea what i should do and am so incredibly confused. I love my grandmother and would like to see her (she's in-state, about an hour away), but my family is so strange about this stuff. Just the fact that I didnt know that she was in ICU until days after was bizarre, but thats just how my family works (I regularly dont know about major health issues until after the fact, and they are usually mentioned in an "oh, by the way" style). Its like they assume that I wouldnt care or need to know (and when I say "I" its not just me, its my brother and all of our extended family). The family doesn't have a close relationship - but come on now, my grandmother nearly died and I wouldnt have had the opportunity to say goodbye!
My conversation with my mom yesterday was literally along the lines of: "Grandma's very sick and the doctors think she may not have many more days left. So, how was your trip to chicago? Nice weather?"
What makes it especially hard is seeing how my family is compared to A's family. When A's grandfather got sick and was in ICU for a week, we were there every single day - we didnt leave the hospital except to sleep and we were holding his hand when he passed away. It was just assumed that all the family would be there, and we were glad to be.
So my instinct now is to drop everything and go be with my grandmother, but when i was talking to my mom yesterday, she totally shot down the idea of us even visiting her while she's this sick ("grandma's embarassed", "not up for company", "i dont want you to remember her this way", ect ect ect).
So this is what's left my head spinning...how can i go about my normal day knowing that my grandmother is in such bad condition? Should I ignore my mom and push to see her, running the risk that it my make my grandmother uncomfortable? Or wait it out, hope she gets better, and visit her then?
I'm so confused...and i know that this is long and really has no point, but i had to get it out there. Seeing a family member struggle with thier health sucks, but having to deal with all these strange family dynamics on top of it is just too much.
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Re: Don't know what to do
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandma. I would visit if that feels right. If grandma doesn't want anyone to make a big fuss, wait and go after work, or leave a little early, rather than taking the whole day. I think whether she's embarassed or not, she'll know that you're there because you care about her and appreciate it. I would follow your heart on this one.
Last year my stepmother fell and sustained a serious head injury. When I talked to my dad on the phone, he insisted we didn't have to come to the hospital - but we couldn't just sit at home knowing that she was hurt and we didn't really have all the details. We went and they ended up being really glad to see us, and we got to see first hand what was really going on. Not the same exact situation - but your post made me think of it.
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i would go.
Go. If she really isn't up for company you will be able to tell and can keep it brief. I bet that she is thrilled to see you though! I'm sorry you weren't told sooner.
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. And the family dynamics don't help (I can empathize-- my family is very similar).
I will echo the pps and say go. I wouldn't even feel like you have to have much discussion with your mom about it. You can make the decision to go on your own, and just let your mom know you'll be coming in a "this is what we're doing" matter-of-fact way (if you even want to), and then go. It would be so much easier to deal with whatever potential flack you may get now than to deal with regret down the road if something were to happen.
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