Under age drinking (advice?)

oiive

We are having a party soon and I have been informed that someone from my FI's side is bringing his girlfriend who is 18 and a lush. Apparently, no one sees a problem with under age drinking and has been letting it go by.

Well, since this party is taking place in our house, I am VERY concerned about having an 18 year old drinking in our house. I don't want to cause drama over this, but isn't it true that the home owners can get arrested if someone under age is found drinking on their property? Am I being overly worried or is this an issue I should address prior to the party?

jj_sbride

I totally agree with you.

Right now her drinking is based on hearsay.
I feel you need to wait till you see if she actually does it in your home in front of you. 

Pull her aside in private and address her then.
Catch 22 is she may hide it from you.

Just be firm, state the fact that "You need to understand that an 18 yr. old is not welcome to drink in my home. Do I make myself clear?"

DON'T argue past that. She can choose to stay or leave. Its her choice how she will respond.

That fact alone is not arguable. Period. With her or anyone else.

GL.

EDIT: I just read up on the law and you are responsible no matter what....whether she hides it from you or does it openly. Maybe just pull her aside in private when she arrives? 

TarHeels&Rebels

I personally wouldn't care one bit, but that's me.

If you feel uncomfortable about it, I'd get your FI to talk to his relative.  You could cause WWIII with your new family by speaking to her like PP outlined.  Good gracious, nearly everybody in America drinks at 18, I'm not sure why PP recommends speaking to her like a dog that messed up on the carpet.

jj_sbride

TarHeels&Rebels:

I personally wouldn't care one bit, but that's me.

If you feel uncomfortable about it, I'd get your FI to talk to his relative.  You could cause WWIII with your new family by speaking to her like PP outlined.  Good gracious, nearly everybody in America drinks at 18, I'm not sure why PP recommends speaking to her like a dog that messed up on the carpet.

Because I have buried 2 people I know this past year that were underage drinkers.

And not everyone drinks at 18 nor should the notion of it be taken lightly or flippantly. That's a very general statement to make.

 

 

Temp23782687501318

I fully agree with and understand your concern.  Could you keep the alcohol somewhere where it would be very noticeable if she took any?  I'd maybe enlist some close family or friends to keep an eye on her to look for her sneaking any.  I would not say anything directly to her though.  Not unless you discover she is drinking. 

 If you do see her drinking, just tell her that it's against the law to drink under 21 and you cannot have any laws being broken in your home.  She is more than welcome to stay, so long as she doesn't drink alcohol.  If she does, she must leave.  It's your house and your rules.  She needs to respect that.

kimnelson09

Not only can you be arrested for allowing her to drink, if she were to show up to your house, drink and then go out and kill someone, pass out and die from choking on her own vomit, hit her head, etc., you could be held liable both criminally and in civil court.  Not worth the risk. 

In addition, if she were to enter your house after having been drinking and you let her go, even without serving her a drop, and she still gets in her car and kills herself, someone else, etc., you can still be sued. 

I just had to get certified in ServSafe for culinary school and third party liability was the bulk of the course.  Don't mess around with this because it's not worth jail time and it's not worth being sued for everything that you have. 

As far as how you control it, you have to just make it abundantly clear that you will not be serving alcohol to underage guests.  It would help if she wasn't the one being singled out or if you could control it by serving a seated dinner and having wine at everyone's place setting but giving her something like sweet tea, lemonade, whatever she likes that doesn't involve alcohol.  You need your FI to back you up on this.  He should be the one to talk to his family. 

I think it'd be better if they knew about your rule ahead of time so that they have the option of not coming, or the chance for drama in the event that they do come is at least lessened. 

RaneeB

jj_sbride:

I totally agree with you.

Right now her drinking is based on hearsay.
I feel you need to wait till you see if she actually does it in your home in front of you. 

Pull her aside in private and address her then.
Catch 22 is she may hide it from you.

Just be firm, state the fact that "You need to understand that an 18 yr. old is not welcome to drink in my home. Do I make myself clear?"

DON'T argue past that. She can choose to stay or leave. Its her choice how she will respond.

That fact alone is not arguable. Period. With her or anyone else.

GL.

EDIT: I just read up on the law and you are responsible no matter what....whether she hides it from you or does it openly. Maybe just pull her aside in private when she arrives? 

RaneeB

jj_sbride:

I totally agree with you.

Right now her drinking is based on hearsay.
I feel you need to wait till you see if she actually does it in your home in front of you. 

Pull her aside in private and address her then.
Catch 22 is she may hide it from you.

Just be firm, state the fact that "You need to understand that an 18 yr. old is not welcome to drink in my home. Do I make myself clear?"

DON'T argue past that. She can choose to stay or leave. Its her choice how she will respond.

That fact alone is not arguable. Period. With her or anyone else.

GL.

EDIT: I just read up on the law and you are responsible no matter what....whether she hides it from you or does it openly. Maybe just pull her aside in private when she arrives? 

 

I dont agree with this at all. She may be 18 but she is not a child. You should treat her like an adult. If you do not allow underage drinking in your home she needs to respect that. You should let her know BEFORE the party she will not be able to drink so they can decide if they want to come or not. Then if she is aware of your rules and still drinks you can ask some one to take her home. If she is the only person under 18 and is coming with someone you can always cut her off if she starts drinking too much and ask someone to take her home. Pulling her aside and "makeing yourself clear" is something you do with a 7 year old not an 18 year old.

Barberbabe1

what I don't understand is why everyone is just worried about this one girl, wouldn't the home owner be responsible if any of the guest drink then go out and kill someone or choke on there own vomit. Are you planning on keeping all of your guest untill they are completely sober or make them stay the night? And if you are that worried about it why not just have a party with no alcohol, you can still have a good party without drinking.

kimnelson09

Barberbabe1:

what I don't understand is why everyone is just worried about this one girl, wouldn't the home owner be responsible if any of the guest drink then go out and kill someone or choke on there own vomit. Are you planning on keeping all of your guest untill they are completely sober or make them stay the night? And if you are that worried about it why not just have a party with no alcohol, you can still have a good party without drinking.

Third party liability can have criminal implications for serving alcohol to a minor, serving a guest who is or appears to be intoxicated or possessing, selling or allowing the sale of drugs on the premises.  You're right in that anyone could have anything happen, but she described the 18 year old as a lush, which one could assume, means that the others are responsible drinkers. 

RaneeB

Barberbabe1:

what I don't understand is why everyone is just worried about this one girl, wouldn't the home owner be responsible if any of the guest drink then go out and kill someone or choke on there own vomit. Are you planning on keeping all of your guest untill they are completely sober or make them stay the night? And if you are that worried about it why not just have a party with no alcohol, you can still have a good party without drinking.

good point.It doesnt matter if you are 21 or not, if something happens to ANYONE you will be held responsible.

oiive

RaneeB:

Barberbabe1:

what I don't understand is why everyone is just worried about this one girl, wouldn't the home owner be responsible if any of the guest drink then go out and kill someone or choke on there own vomit. Are you planning on keeping all of your guest untill they are completely sober or make them stay the night? And if you are that worried about it why not just have a party with no alcohol, you can still have a good party without drinking.

good point.It doesnt matter if you are 21 or not, if something happens to ANYONE you will be held responsible.

When we have people over, we make every attempt at keeping track of who has had how many drinks. My FI usually is the one who "bartends" and he will go and get the drinks for guests as an extra precaution to make sure no one gets too intoxicated before leaving. We have drank with almost everyone coming before and have never had any problems.

The reason I worry about this one individual, is not only is she under age, but her bf will sneak the alcohol for her and buy it for her. She does not seem to know her limits, and she will get drunk fast and cause scenes.

I think what I will do is like one of the pp suggested and have my FI talk to his relative about this situation. If he is not willing to comply he can opt out of the gathering. If he does come with his gf and we find out she does drink, I think I will have no choice then but to take her aside and explain that she is not welcomed to drink in our home until she is of age and has control over her drinking.

CarlaAndJames

I just think you or your FI needs to talk to the relative ahead of time and tell him you heard he was bringing someone under 21 and that you won't be comfortable with them drinking in your home.

That way she doesn't get there with the expectation of being served and get embarassed and defensive when you won't.

RachieTK

I woudln't serve alcohol if this was the case... but if you absolutely are going to, I would be very careful - it's against the law to serve her in your house.

TarHeels&Rebels

jj_sbride:

TarHeels&Rebels:

I personally wouldn't care one bit, but that's me.

If you feel uncomfortable about it, I'd get your FI to talk to his relative.  You could cause WWIII with your new family by speaking to her like PP outlined.  Good gracious, nearly everybody in America drinks at 18, I'm not sure why PP recommends speaking to her like a dog that messed up on the carpet.

Because I have buried 2 people I know this past year that were underage drinkers.

And not everyone drinks at 18 nor should the notion of it be taken lightly or flippantly. That's a very general statement to make.

64% of underage college students drink.  See Table 1.  2/3's admittedly isn't "nearly everybody" as I said, but it's certainly the significant majority.  Of course, this is just college students.  I couldn't find a statistic for general adults age 18-20. 

I do take the age 21 lightly.  Human beings are human beings.  Turning 21 years of age does not magically make the body able to metabolize alcohol.  The age of 21 is an arbitrary number, set by the 1984 National MInimum Drinking Age Act that was not based on medical evidence.  Rather, the age 21 was based on English tradition that a child became a legal adult at age 21.  Source here.  Before 1984, there was no national age and states set it where they wanted between 18 and 21.  (In 1976, 46 states had 18 as their law.)   You know what I'm about to say - that Europeans start drinking much earlier than we do and have nowhere near the problems we do with alcohol.

While it is terribly unfortunate that you've lost two young people to drinking, there is some mistaken cause and effect in your sentence.  They did not die because they were drinking under age.  They died because they were drinking.  

From wiki

MADD argues that, given that the brain does not stop developing until the early to mid-20s, alcohol consumption damages brain development.^[29] Being a major force for having raised the drinking age, MADD also cites NHTSA data that the 21 minimum drinking age law has saved 17,000 lives since 1988.^[30]

However, evidence of harm to brain development is based on studies of rats^[31] of the adolescent rats in many studies^[32] often corresponds to very early adolescence (10?13 years, as opposed to 18-20). Also, the NHTSA data is giving complete credit to the drinking age for lowering drunk driving accidents in young adults, and (as stated before) defines "alcohol related" as anytime a person involved in a crash had any measurable amount of alcohol, no matter how small. In contrast, most professionals^{[citation needed]} agree that education about the dangers of drunk driving as well as greater penalties for driving drunk were the main factors in the drop in traffic deaths. Also, none of these studies have been confirmed by unbiased sources.

This is in direct contradiction to research and experience from outside the USA. Australia and the UK have a legal drinking age of 18 and higher alcohol consumption rates but significantly lower drink driving deaths. Data from British research has shown those most likely to drive and sustain injuries in car accidents are in their early 20's rather than teenagers.^[33]

From Forbes:

In a 2003 survey 22% of American tenth graders said they'd had five or more consecutive drinks in the last 30 days. But in Denmark, where there's no legal minimum to drink (though you have to be 18 to buy), 60% of 15- and 16-year-olds said they'd thrown back five or more in a row within the last couple of fortnights. Maybe you think that's too much. But the European champion of heavy teen drinking ranks as the world's happiest country and scores third in the United Nation's 2007 ranking of child welfare. In the UN listing the U.S. came in 20th out of 21 wealthy countries.

A recent research paper by Harvard economist Jeffrey Miron and his former student Elina Tetelbaum shows that states that raised the drinking age to 21 since 1984, in response to Congress' road-funding threats, enjoyed no statistically significant decrease in traffic fatalities for 18- to 20-year-olds. They point to the decades-long, steady decline in the rate of traffic fatalities (deaths per billion passenger miles), a decline due in large part to safer cars, improved driver education and better medical technology. Raising the drinking age did little or nothing.

The fact remains that the girl in question is still old enough to vote to decide who will lead this nation and she is also old enough to fight and die - she does not need to be spoken to like a toddler.

lsgarver

How many other teenagers drink, what people do in Europe and whether or not we agree with the drinking age are all valid points in some debates but not this one.  No matter how you sit on those issues, it's still illegal to serve a minor in your home and you need to take every precaution not to let that happen.

I drank underage.  A lot.  But, I'm siding with OP.  Tell the relative ahead of time that you don't want to make a big deal out of it but you've set a house that no one will drink underage and you hope he and his girlfriend will respect that.  If not, you'll regret that you'll have to ask them to leave.  Ask him to not put you in the position to have to do that, because you will.  It might cause family problems but if this is important to you, you'll risk it.

TarHeels&Rebels

lsgarver:

How many other teenagers drink, what people do in Europe and whether or not we agree with the drinking age are all valid points in some debates but not this one.  No matter how you sit on those issues, it's still illegal to serve a minor in your home and you need to take every precaution not to let that happen.

I drank underage.  A lot.  But, I'm siding with OP.  Tell the relative ahead of time that you don't want to make a big deal out of it but you've set a house that no one will drink underage and you hope he and his girlfriend will respect that.  If not, you'll regret that you'll have to ask them to leave.  Ask him to not put you in the position to have to do that, because you will.  It might cause family problems but if this is important to you, you'll risk it.

I know it's not relevant to the OP, that's why I told her originally to speak with her FI since it bothered her.  It's her home, her rules  I was responding directly to the PP.

Jim&Jaime

RachieTK:

I woudln't serve alcohol if this was the case... but if you absolutely are going to, I would be very careful - it's against the law to serve her in your house.

Really?  Not a drop of booze would be served at your party because one guest was bringing someone who shouldn't drink but would?  I don't mean to be rude, but I'm going to call BS on that one.

WA1215

kimnelson09:

Not only can you be arrested for allowing her to drink, if she were to show up to your house, drink and then go out and kill someone, pass out and die from choking on her own vomit, hit her head, etc., you could be held liable both criminally and in civil court.  Not worth the risk. 

In addition, if she were to enter your house after having been drinking and you let her go, even without serving her a drop, and she still gets in her car and kills herself, someone else, etc., you can still be sued. 

I just had to get certified in ServSafe for culinary school and third party liability was the bulk of the course.  Don't mess around with this because it's not worth jail time and it's not worth being sued for everything that you have. 

As far as how you control it, you have to just make it abundantly clear that you will not be serving alcohol to underage guests.  It would help if she wasn't the one being singled out or if you could control it by serving a seated dinner and having wine at everyone's place setting but giving her something like sweet tea, lemonade, whatever she likes that doesn't involve alcohol.  You need your FI to back you up on this.  He should be the one to talk to his family. 

I think it'd be better if they knew about your rule ahead of time so that they have the option of not coming, or the chance for drama in the event that they do come is at least lessened. 

Ditto to this.  Also, make it clear they can NOT bring their own alcohol for this girl to drink in your home either.  If she does this in your home, not only can you be in trouble -but think about the other guests you will be having -are there any teachers?  If so, they can lose their teacher's license and wont be able to teach again if caught somewhere with an underage drinker. 

FMIL&MOB

I wouldn't be overly worried about it, but I would definitely not be giving alcohol to a minor. A frat brother of my DS found out the hard way (I am talking $50,000 fine and criminal record). What does your FI say and would he be willing to talking to his relative prior to the party? Regardless if his family chooses to ignore a 'lush' is no reason to believe it will cause drama to confront her should she try to drink in your home.

Temp38995750004016

TarHeels&Rebels:

I personally wouldn't care one bit, but that's me.

If you feel uncomfortable about it, I'd get your FI to talk to his relative.  You could cause WWIII with your new family by speaking to her like PP outlined.  Good gracious, nearly everybody in America drinks at 18, I'm not sure why PP recommends speaking to her like a dog that messed up on the carpet.

As usual, I fully agree w/ Tarheels.

You can be in legal trouble if ANYONE at your party has an accident, kills someone, etc. so I don't really get the arguments on that.

RachieTK

I don't have realatives with 18 year old alcoholic girlfriends, so this would not be an issue for me. 

bostonjen

I would absolutely not allow any underaged drinking in my house.  Nope.

jinxed8605

When she comes in, offer her some soda (or another non-alcoholic beverage) and see what she says. If she says she'll take a beer, kindly let her know that you don't serve alcohol to minors in your house. If she's a nice/smart girl she'll respect your decision.

Ally

I am all for telling the guests beforehand that you will not be serving anyone underage, as they than have a choice to attend or not.  But if you do not do that, and still refuse to provide her with alcohol, she has no ground to be upset/embarassed/etc as she is underage and NOT LEGAL and has no right to expect alcohol from her host.  Just be sure you have nonalcoholic choices available.

Many people may choose to allow underage drinking in their home, but you are not obligated to.  I have firmly stated that it will not happen in mine with my neices and nephews and that is final.  There is no further discussion - with them or their parents.  I work on a college campus, I know people drink under age 21, and yet I am not willing to condone it in my home.

Good luck! 

MidniteRae

I know you don't want to cause drama over this, but if you are uncomfortable with someone drinking underage, you need to address that. I would suggest saying so before the party, because it will probably cause more drama if said at the party and last minute.

ericastoll

Just have your FI talk to her and his relative before the party, I agree with not treating her like a child, and don't do it at the party, do it before hand, and if your that worried, don't invite them at all....