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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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I think I'm gonna lose it
I can not stand listening to my baby cry. ?This is the third night in a row that we are trying the "graduated" Ferber-ish method that they recommend in "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" and it's killing me. ?I am literally bawling now. ?I don't know if I can keep doing this. ?I don't want my baby to think I've abandoned him. ?I don't know what else to do though; he has always been a poor sleeper and I'm at my wits end with constantly being up at all hours and sleep deprived.
Am I a bad mom for doing this? ?Does anyone have any other suggestions?Thanks for listening.?
Re: I think I'm gonna lose it
well, obvi the ferber method didnt work at all for us with vinny and it was easier for ME to just have vin sleep in our bed which i now know is a total no no and im desperately trying to get him in his own bed and thats so not working....... and i keep kicking myself for not sticking to that or trying something else//// i think i did that like 3 nights and vin is just so stubborn that i gave up because he would cry and cry and scream and it was like never ending... he wanted me. so i caved and gave him me....
and now don jokes and says vinny didnt need a security blanket. he needed his mom as his security blanket.... which is so true.....
i,m sorry im no help/ i just want to let you know ive been there and now have a 2 yr old that sleeps in my bed that he thinks mommy and daddy sleep in his bed.......
Jeanette,
I am not sure if this is the answer you are looking for and it may seem like i am mean but here it is. One of the reasons i think that Nik and Aaron are such good kids now is that i showed them who was boss from the start. I didnt have any back up. My family was barely involved, bio-jerk was gone and it was just me and the boys! They needed to learn to sleep the night by themselves. It literally took me about two weeks and i would sit out in the living room and cry along with them. And i had it double. If one would start to fall asleep the other would wake him up. It was terrible and to this day i still feel sad about it. BUT they learned to sleep and i learned that when you dont cave in, then you are teaching them who is boss and things get easier. It is never easy to say no to your kids but if you out the image of a 16 year old Ben standing there and crying becuase you wont buy him a car for his 16th birthday, or him at the age of 12 wanting a $300 pair of shoes and throwing a temper tantrum beucase you dont have the money (this one is true, happened last week to a friend of mine). You have to keep your eyes on the prize, a child who knows that you love them enough to say no. Just my opinion. HTH
I hope i didnt come across as preachy, that wasnt my intention. I just know how hard this is. I can still remember all these things, 14 years later. And i remember how much it hurt to hear all that. But like Angela said, it will pass. Jeanette, you and so many others on here are at the stages where you become the parents and caretakers. I have friends who allow themselves to become slaves to the child and i have seen where that leads.
stepping down from my soap box and exiting to work now
J-
I really hope that CIO will work for you. Ben needs his sleep and this should only help him in the long run. We did this several months ago and it has helped him sleep better. Unfortunately we may have to let him CIO, since he still wakes once a night often. It's VERY hard on you and possibly him, but it shouldn't take long for him to know you aren't always going to soothe him. It's very important he learn to soothe himself. GL!
I completely agree with Kimmi. (and no Kim you are so not being preachy!) Only a couple ppl on the board have teenage boys and can see how early parenting skills can make or break good behavioral habits.
J, I know its breaking your heart. I know, I am trying to get him to sleep better now too and have been setting the timer for 10min blocks. He usually falls asleep after 3 or 4 mins. I am hoping that it is helping him establish better sleeping skills and some independence to help himself fall asleep.
Keep going J. I know its killing you. Can you work in smaller increments of going to help him sooth? I am not sure how that book works (I was recommended this book on Saturday and am going to pick it up) but I go in to try to let him know that I am there.....I dont pick him up but I will go in and say, "Connor, mommy's here, its ok" he still might cry but it lessens considerably and I know he is understanding a bit or is at least knowing that I am there.
Good luck hun and call if you want to talk. Ask Lisa about the first time that I did it, I called her bawling my eyes out after only 1 min!! lol but now Connor is sleeping 11-12 hours (ugh, shouldn't say that, Ill jinx it!)
Kimmi, I don't think that you are being at all preachy. It reminds me of the expression "begin as you intend to go on" which is something that I really believe in. CIO sucks when you are doing it, there is no way around it! But, it works for *most* kids & works well (we have to re-do it for a night or two every once in awhile, after being sick, traveling etc). Few things I always recommend. If you are waiting for a set period of time b/f going in, watch the clock. It always seems so much longer than it really has been! You will think he has been crying for 10 minutes & rush in to find out it has been all of a minute. If you can, leave & let Larry do it. If not, use the time that you are waiting to go in to do something kind of loud & difficult to stop. I would wash dishes, vaccum, take a shower. All things that drowned him out & were hard to stop to run & "rescue" him.
It is ok to cry along w/ him, it is hard to listen to your baby cry! But, you are doing a good thing for both of you.
GL!
Kate! thank you! that is what i was trying to say but was in sleep mode last night! and now im paying for it, i have a 2 yr old that sleeps in my bed all because it was easier for me. ya, good thinking kim! and now i have no clue how to get him in his bed! i ask him, he shakes his head and says no. i put him in there, he screams and his brother wakes up. and tony is SUCH A GREAT SLEEPER that i dont want to kill that. i feel so stuck! so if you find out something that works for you, can you please please let me know!!!!! im beginning to want to sleep on the couch because i have no room in my bed and i so know that is not the answer so i wont do that, but i need help.
My sister has an almost-5 year old in her bed. I know you don't want that, especially if there's any future plans for a Ben-Buddy.
And LMFAO @ bio-jerk, Kim!
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Kate - I saw a Super Nanny episode that addressed that very thing! Email me if you want more info.
Jeanette - keep in mind that "failure" to let him CIO now may only mean that he's just not ready. We tried it early on with Abby, and she just wasn't ready for it. Neither was I, for that matter. So we backed down, and kept going with our previous bedtime "routine" ... which was rocking her to sleep.
We tried it again several months later, and it took 2 or 3 nights. The first night, she cried for maybe 35 minutes. The second night she cried for maybe 15 minutes. The third night she cried long enough for me to walk from her crib to her bedroom door...and didn't cry again the following night!
Of course, there are always set-backs ... when she gets sick, or when she's teething, etc...those nights we definitely give her more attention/snuggling/loving. But most nights I can put her down wide awake, and she'll fall asleep on her own without a peep, and sleep through the night.
Now that she's in a twin bed, we sit with her for a few minutes before bed, hoping that it will keep her from getting up. The whole ordeal is still only like 15 minutes, and that includes reading books and rocking with lights out.
CIO works!!!
Do you have a kitchen timer? The first few times that I let Jakob cry a bit to learn to soothe himself, I found it helpful to set a timer for an amount of time that DH and I thought was "reasonable". Time seems to pass so slowly when your child is upset and crying and you are sitting there feeling horrible. It helped me to know how much time was left in that amount that we agreed on and helped me to know that I really wasn't letting him cry and cry for hours and hours (which is how it felt, even though it had only been minutes!).
Good luck with this and I agree with others who said that eventually, you'll be glad that you taught Ben how to soothe himself.
What we found that worked was not really having her CIO but helping her find the right ways to relax on her own. . . .I'm not against CIO at all but for us it just didn't work as well as distracting her with toys, music, etc.
Is he screaming/crying non-stop or just crying/fussing a bit then stopping for a second and then starting again? We never let DD scream for more than a few minutes but let her cry/fuss all the time! We found around 4 months she was old enough to distract with toys, blanket, crib soother waterfall (best thing ever) or by talking to her, rubbing her tummy, etc. We'd leave and let her fuss/cry for a bit then go in and give her a toy and that would calm her down for a few seconds and we'd leave and when she cried again go back in and give her something else. She'd get distracted playing with a stuffed animal or watching the waterfall and fall asleep on her own where just CIO would not work at all. We'd also give her a special blanket. When she was younger we'd take out the toys/blanket after she was asleep for safety. . but they REALLY helped getting her to sleep. She also sucks her fingers for comfort and that puts her to sleep.
I think the best approach is make sure you are gving them time to fall asleep on their own (don't jump to them as soon as they cry/fuss) but also go in to comfort / distract them often. . eventually they will get it and learn what they need to do to relax on their own. I know this sounds much easier than it is but soon enough I'm sure he will just "get it" and you'll be amazing at what a difference it is! For DD we did maybe a week of "sleep training" around 4 months and it was like all the sudden it "clicked" and then we could just put her in her crib when she was tired and she'd fall asleep (sometimes she cries a couple minutes and then she's out).
I agree with you, Kim. ?I do. ?And I understand what you're saying. ?It''s just that isn't there a difference between a 6-month-old crying because he feels like I've left him and a 16-year-old wanting a car? ?Do you know what I mean? ?I have no fear about raising a spoiled child- that won't happen. ?It's just that right now, he's just a baby, and someone on the 0-6 months board said they talked to their psychologist friend and they told her that "When you let a baby CIO, you're not teaching them anything good. ?You're only teaching them that you won't come to them when they need you." ?And for the past 3 nights, when he cried and cried, I sat there crying and thinking of what that girl said and feeling like the worst Mom in the world. ?
Lana, you may be right. ?He may not be quite ready for it yet, which is partially why I am doing an extremely modified version of it. ?First, he was teething then we broke the swaddle last week. ?It's a lot of changes for him. ?I know he is still having a little bit of an issue sleeping without the swaddle, at times. ?Maybe it is too much at once for him. ?Maybe I need to go a little slower with this...
I don't want him to cry because he thinks Mommy is not here for him. ?I want him to learn that it's OK to go to sleep and that I will be there when he wakes up. ?FWIW, after the 2 hours of hell last night, he slept for 5 hours, got up and ate and went back down for another 5 hours. ?So, that's pretty monumental for Ben!!! ?I am using a timer when I do this. ?I give him 5 mins, then 10, then 15. ?I think we need to cut out the 15, because he almost cried himself hoarse when we got to that one last night. ?
MyNameHere- thanks for the advice! ?I never put anything in his crib (besides the waterfall soother) because all the experts tell you not to. ?But that is a GREAT idea- give him a little Taggies blanket or small toy and go in and grab it when he falls asleep. ?Right now, I let him have the paci, but he is not a big fan of it and mostly just wants to pick it up and play with it, so I def. think you are onto something! ?I am going to try it tonight. ?And I do let him do the fuss/cry thing without any time limit. ?Like when he's sort of playing and letting me know he's there. ?It's the actual crying that I start timing and go into soothe him for...
Thank you ALL for your words of wisdom. ?I really hope that nobody thinks I am being whiny or insecure. ?I'm just a Mom who loves her baby, just like any of you, and I want him to feel loved and safe.
I'll let you know how it goes...?
I agree with the others....it's really either now or later. At 1, Kate still doesn't sleep and, now that Cassidy is here, I'm paying DEARLY for it.
This morning, I finally had enough and let her SIO.....SCREAM it out. Honestly, she doesn't cry, she just screeches at the top of her lungs and sounds like she's going to give herself a heart attack or a stroke.
I finally decided that chances of that are slim to none, I put her in her crib and left. We never let her sleep in our bed, but we would let her fall asleep in our bed or sit in her room with her. That worked fine....until a newborn entered the picture.
It's been terrible. I haven't been eating or sleeping and earned myself a ticket into the hospital when I passed out. This morning was the end of my rope. Cassidy was fussing and I had been up every hour through the night (and I haven't eaten more than rice since getting home from the hospital last week). So, she screamed. And screamed. And banged her head on her crib. And bit her tongue and bled. For over an hour.
Then, she went to sleep for 3 hours! Yes, it sucked. But, she's fine now. She doesn't seem to be holding it against me. I'm going for it again tonight.
I wish I had done it months ago before she started with the head banging and tongue biting. My friends DS is almost 3 and she's having her 2nd next week. She has no idea what she's going to do because the kid will not go into his own bed. I think it gets harder as they get older because now he can get up and leave his room on his own. I wish I nipped this in the bud before I had Cassidy. She wishes she nipped it earlier, too.
Now or later and I think now will be easier on everyone. Good luck!
He was breaking out of it all the time and we were nervous about the blanket being in there- that's one reason. ?Another is that he fought us like CRAZY when we tried to swaddle him, BUT it was the only way he would go to sleep. ?Also, they don't make bigger swaddle-me blankets to fit him and he was just about to not fit anymore.
If not for that stuff, I would have kept going. ?Our pedi was fine with it and said contrary to popular belief, it doesn't cause developmental issues. ? I will def. do it with our next one too! : )
Oh, btw, you did NOT come across as preachy at all! ?I value advice from the moms on here, especially one who has 2 teenage boys!!! ?Thanks, Kim, for always having some great input. ?Your boys are lucky to have such a great mom.?
I know what you are saying about it being different from a 6 month old to a 16 year old but the reality is that unless you want to have him surgically attached to you, you will not always be there for him. If you arent ready for this then it wont work. LOL It is like smoking, you have to be ready to go through with it. HAHA I know bad analogy but what i meant by are you ready to deal with a 16 year old is that you have to start the way you want things to be when they are little. I thnk you are a great mom who loves Ben very much. You will figure it out.