Same-Sex Households
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Where do I begin? Feel Stupid
Hi there,
Haven't ever posted here before but I have a few questions and need a little direction. Kate and I are getting married in December, YAY and obviously want to have some little ones. We live in MA, thankfully but we are so confused as to where to begin. We would probably need to use an anonymous donor but have no idea about medical insurance coverage, do we go through our PCP or health insurance? Sperm banks, fertility clinics, WHAT??? No idea, we feel dumb! Please help!!
Thanks
D and K
Re: Where do I begin? Feel Stupid
Hey there
congrats on your upcoming wedding!
As for your questions (which arent dumb!):
- the first place to start is deciding who will carry, and whether you'd like to use frozen donor sperm (from a bank) or a known donor
- if you use frozen donor sperm, you'll also need to decide if its important to your family to have ID release or if you are okay with an anonymous donor. you'll also need to decide how much info you'd like on your donor (some banks offer voice samples, baby pictures, written essays, ect ect ect) along with what features you are looking for in a donor. I've never seen a medical insurance plan pay for donor sperm, so you're likely on your own for this cost. However, you can use your medical FSA which will save you some tax money.
- Next step is deciding how you'd like to go about trying. One option is at home ICIs (intracervical inseminations) - this requires no medical intervention therefore no need to contact insurance if you go this route. Another option is to work with a midwife or RE for IUIs (intrauterine inseminations) - if you are in the boston area, I'd highly recommend AICGB, its the practice my wife and I used and they are great if you are interested in natural IUIs. Overall, IUIs have a sightly better sucess rate than ICIs but are obviously more expensive since you're paying a professional for the inseminations.
- If you choose to use a professional for IUIs, you should call your insurance company and find out your fertility benefit and whether or not you'll need a referral. Be sure to ask about any requirements they have to qualify for the benefit (ie: must try for 6 months on your own before coverage, ect).
And i think that would be a pretty good start!
If you have any more specific questions, feel free to ask. This is a friendly bunch and many of us have recently, currently are, or will be TTC-ing soon so there's a wealth of info in this little group
Blogs: Our Growing Family - CT Working Moms
Well CTbride covered it pretty well! Welcome to the board!
I would like to add that there are a couple of books that cover alllll the details and ins and outs of getting pregnant, and cover the different methods CTbride mentioned above and then some. They are "The Ultimate Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians" by Rachel Pepper and "The New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception Pregnancy and Birth" by Stephanie Brill. The books are nice because they cover pretty much all of the basic questions that we all have as we plan to TTC. Neither is a bible that needs be followed to the letter or anything like that, but they are great sources of information.
To share my personal experience, my wife and I conceived by IUI with frozen donor sperm. We live in the Boston area and used AICGB that CTbride mentioned. We chose them because the practice is run by midwives and they take a more natural approach (no fertility drugs, little interventions).
Best of luck with your wedding and baby plans and feel free to jump in on posts!
sahm ~ toddler breastfeeder ~ cloth diaperer ~ baby wearer
Thank you all SO much! We really do appreciate it!! Kate and I are thinking that I would probably carry the first one, she the second as I just turned 35 and she is turning 30 very soon. We're also thinking we'd like to use the same donor so that we have that common bond. I will definitely check out the midwife facility, my PCP is a sweetheart but she is through MGH and not sure I want to go through there fertility clinic if I don't have to.
Many thanks!!
Glad to help! Just as an fyi, the last I checked, the fertility clinic costs more than twice as much for iuis as the midwives - for the exact same service. The midwives are The Midwives at Mt Auburn in Cambridge, with another location in Arlington. The Arlington one is were the AICGB (Alternative Insemination Center of Greater Boston) is based. They are definitely worth a look if you want to try unmedicated iui - why pay twice as much for the same service elsewhere? But if you wanted to be more aggressive with fertility drugs and more monitoring, the fertility clinic would be the place to go.
sahm ~ toddler breastfeeder ~ cloth diaperer ~ baby wearer
I just wanted to add, that our OB/GYN did everything for us, we didn't see a RE. We just talked with her about it at an annual exam, then shortly thereafter we were going for it. I think if we had to get super aggressive she would have sent us to one. To be honest, I didn't even know that most people see a RE first until I started reading these forums, after K got pregnant.
Also, I know that in my area, most OBs won't inseminate "single" women (that is actually their response to the question.) I think our doc, well her clinic, may be the only game in town, but she is amazing (K and I are both not so secretly in love with her) so that is ok with us. We are lucky some friends of ours went first and found her for us. They had to call a few clinics before getting a "yes".