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LONG vent: Want to drop out of wedding
Condensed backstory: Friend of mine (not BEST friend, but still a friend) asked me to be in her wedding. She is the type who NEEDS even sides, so I have a feeling that's part of the reason why she asked me. Friend works with DH. Long story short, she said she would give him money for referring him to the place they work (she gets $1500, said she'd give $500 because she thought it was fair, plus she was pissed that her best friend kept her entire bonus when she referred her). SHE offered. SHE kept bringing it up. Well, the bonuses came and I brought it up this morning. I KNOW this is kind of a douchey move to flat out ask about it, but I wanted to be up front. She says "Yes, I got it. I paid my DJ with it." So I was like, "oh, that's weird, considering (her ex friend) did this to you." She goes, "Well, you didn't mention it so I spent it."
I'm so NOT the type of person to get angry about money, especially with a friend. I feel like life is too short for that stuff. But I feel like she slighted us especially after she made a huge production over her friend not giving her part of it for doing all the work of interviewing for the job, and she made herself sound like the Friend of the Year giving DH part of it. To get the job you have to go on 4 separate interviews and it takes months to get hired. From start to finish it took DH 6 months to get hired.
So this put a really sour taste in my mouth.
The next issue is, the BM dresses. She wants to get them from DB. Those who have ordered from DB know they come in like, a month or two, tops. Her wedding is next September. She has bugged me FOUR times this week about ordering them - once via e-mail, twice via gchat, and once via text message. I told her that all my money right now is going into my new house (which is true). She continued to keep bringing it up. She's so paranoid about this and she is making her wedding stressful for ME. She's the type of person who needs everything done her way, on her time and I seriously can't devote the energy to worrying about this with her.
I want to drop out of the wedding. I am fully aware that this will end our friendship, but I don't like where this friendship is heading. When she talks to me it is always about her wedding and it's never like, "well, how are YOU doing?" She was also annoyed that I couldn't come dress shopping with everyone - oh, because I was CLOSING ON MY HOUSE.
I know the repercussions that will come with this. I also think that it's not fair to her for me to stay in it only to be bitter and not 100% in it. I think what she did with the money situation is not okay, and although it's a big reason why I am pissed at her, I also feel like it was the final straw.
I don't know where to go from here. Even after our conversation about all of this today, she sends me ANOTHER message saying "I need you to order your dress by December 15." I want to take a couple of days to cool off and collect my thoughts and then tell her I am done. We don't have any important mutual friends that I'd worry about losing in the meantime. She's not in my close "circle", so I'm not concerned about having people choose sides.
I just feel like this was the final straw of a toxic friendship and we need to "break up".
How in the world am I going to go about doing this?
Dx: MFI, unexplained recurrent miscarriages
IVF w/ICSI #1 (December 2010): m/c at 6w4d
IVF w/ICSI #2 (April 2011): c/p
FET #1 (July 2011): m/c at 7w3d
IVF w/ICSI #3 (October 2011- new clinic): BFP.
Lainey was born on June 13, 2012 via c-section at 37w3d!
Re: LONG vent: Want to drop out of wedding
Is the chick that wanted you to go all over town BM dress shopping?
In this case, I'd use the money excuse. "I"m so sorry, friend. But with the new house, DH and I don't have the extra income or time necessary to be involved in the wedding party. Good luck with everything."
Lucy Elizabeth 10.27.12
Dx: MFI, unexplained recurrent miscarriages
IVF w/ICSI #1 (December 2010): m/c at 6w4d
IVF w/ICSI #2 (April 2011): c/p
FET #1 (July 2011): m/c at 7w3d
IVF w/ICSI #3 (October 2011- new clinic): BFP.
Lainey was born on June 13, 2012 via c-section at 37w3d!
What does your DH think about it? Does he still have to work with her?
Personally, I agree with you toxic friendships are the worst and make you end up feeling bad and angry and just aren't worth the effort sometimes. The fact that you aren't that close to her, and you feel like you so want to do this (and it doesn't really sound like an impulse decision) I'd say go ahead. Explaining your side of it...the wedding is 11 months away and dresses come in so quickly, you just closed on a house and are just getting over your wedding planning and now have to set up a house, etc...just don't seem like it's feasible right now for you. As long as you are for sure ok with losing the friendship...then so be it. It sounds like she is in full-on bridezilla mode, which I could understand 2-3 months out from the wedding, but 11?? Really? And this way she'd still have time to find another girl!
However, if you cool down, perhaps you could speak to her about your issues before dropping. Maybe she doesn't know she's a royal biotch!
GL
I'm sorry you have to go through all this. It sucks, yes.
A lot of my friends are known for causing drama. I have distanced myself, and ironically I cannot be happier. I hate drama. But sometimes you have to do what is right for you, to be happy. I agree, life is too short to have to deal with the stupid ***, put those people out of your life; you'll look back and be happy that you did.
I would take the classy high road like mamie said. Don't make any extra drama about it or stoop down to her level. But yes, I don't see anything wrong with dropping out either. Especially if the 'friendship' is not one you care to salvage. It will save a lot of headaches in the long run, especially if she's high maintenance like she appears to be.
I would definitely use the money card... she knows you just got married, bought a house, and she screwed you guyson the bonus she promised you. So that's completely valid.
I dont think asking you to buy the dresses now is that big of a deal. Every bride gets excited and wants to get things figured out. Logically sure she could wait 6 months at least but she also doesnt want anything to go wrong. I get that and I think most of us probably asked our own BMs to order their dresses sooner than they had to. I wouldnt assume that if one of my friends bought a house that they couldnt still spend $150 on a dress for my wedding - it honestly wouldnt occur to me that they would cut it that tight. Not saying you did or didnt, or that there aren't other circumstances that also affect financials. My sis gets married end of May 2010 and we ordered our dresses in July. Sure it sucked having to pay for them so early and they should be here by Thanksgiving but if its one less thing that stresses her out, I'm good with it.
IMO, I think the reason the dress thing bothers you is that you dont want to be a BM anyway, so that's the real reason you should drop out.
HomemadebyHolman
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I honestly think you're right. I think it's just an added layer that annoys me and so it makes things worse. As far as spending money on the house, when I have an extra $150 laying around, I'm either spending it on the house or myself. Not a BM dress. However, if this was one of my BEST friends getting married, I wouldn't bat an eye. For this girl, my heart's just not in it.
Dx: MFI, unexplained recurrent miscarriages
IVF w/ICSI #1 (December 2010): m/c at 6w4d
IVF w/ICSI #2 (April 2011): c/p
FET #1 (July 2011): m/c at 7w3d
IVF w/ICSI #3 (October 2011- new clinic): BFP.
Lainey was born on June 13, 2012 via c-section at 37w3d!
Dx: MFI, unexplained recurrent miscarriages
IVF w/ICSI #1 (December 2010): m/c at 6w4d
IVF w/ICSI #2 (April 2011): c/p
FET #1 (July 2011): m/c at 7w3d
IVF w/ICSI #3 (October 2011- new clinic): BFP.
Lainey was born on June 13, 2012 via c-section at 37w3d!
Obviously, I think the chick is being pushy/crazy, and it totally blows that she screwed you out of the money she promised you. I also agree that it seems like your heart just isn't in it.
BUT I do want to play Devil's Advocate a bit...
(1) There are plenty of things I didn't know/realize when I was planning my own wedding. I had my bridesmaids order their dresses a year out. No one told me how insane that was. I think we all have a very different perspective having "been through it".
(2) If she's going to make life miserable for Chuck, I'd tred lightly.
(3) Like someone else said, she may not realize how she's coming off.
Now, a question -- if she wasn't being so pushy about the dress (and, say, told you to buy it in May) would you? Essentially, here's my passive agressive evil plan:
Tell her that right now, financially, you can't afford the dress (house, wedding, etc.) and that buying it by December 15 (ten days before Christmas? Seriously...) just isn't feasible. Explain that since you ordered it from DB, you know that they only take 2-3 months to come in, so you'd be safe ordering it some time next year.
My thought is if she's as big of a bridezilla as you claim, she'll "fire" you for not ordering the dress on time. Then it's her decision, she's the b*tch, and you're off the hook.
Fantastic advice.
I, myself, was actually thinking that Dec 15th is quite a ways away to be bugging you about it so much now, though SBS points out it's quite close to Christmas so that date's not much of a help.
I was wondering, for the sake of the friendship (and, perhaps more importantly DH's work environment) is there any chance you could tell her you're really busy with house stuff now but expect you'll free up in a month or so (or after Christmas, some date in the future) and you'd love to talk about it/order your dress then? Then just ignore her until that date.
If she bumps you from the wedding for it, like SBS said, she's the biitch and you're off scot free.
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Ditto the money card. If she's like this now, what is it going to be like closer to the wedding? What will she expect for her shower or bach party? It's not fair for either one of you to stay in it with less than 100% interest. As for the work situation, my guess is that you and C are not the only ones who have noticed her reputation for talking and others will see her talk for the hot air it really is.
If you do decide to stay in the wedding something to keep in mind...
We ordered from DB for my sister's wedding and she started pushing me around the same timeframe and interestingly enough, gave me the save deadline. When I finally asked her about why it was that big of a deal, it was because DB had been harassing her twice as much because I hadn't been in to order my dress and they generally raise their prices in Dec. so the price "could" have gone up if I didn't get my order in by 12/15. I called the store directly to inform them that I would take my chances on the price increase and that since I was out of state, I wouldn't go to their store anyways. They stopped calling my sister, she stopped calling me.
I think that's a fabulous idea!
I'm a person that's a people-pleaser and I hate confrontation, so I don't know if you should really take advice from me, but...I think you should just tell her you'll get it by Dec. 15th, and try to get it sometime toward the end of next month. I think that although she's being ridiculous with wanting to order the dress so early (10 months is overkill with DB, I agree with you), I would just do it. As annoying as it might be, I just don't think it's worth it to make a big thing about it, given that she works with C. Good luck
.
I know I'm like 10 hours late chiming in, but I basically agree with everyone else...so no loss, right?
I say play the money card. You got married like 4 months ago, just got a house, and the holidays are coming up. You can't get blood from a stone, right? Esp might work seeing as she stiffed you guys the bonus.
I also wanted to chime in my $0.02 as someone who has been in a wedding party that she didn't want to be in. If your heart isn't into it, get out now. Its not going to get better. She's not going to get less pushy. You aren't going to like her more in 5 months, or 10. I stuck out the wedding I was feeling that way about bc it was family and I didn't want to cause waves...but you know what? The SIL that I was grudgingly a bm for hasn't said more than 3 words to me in like a year and the bro that I stuck it out for pulled some royal crap in the days leading up to our wedding. I still love my brother, but in hindsight I should've walked away when she was an asss 4 months before their wedding and kept my dignity. End result (rift in family) would've been the same. I guess my rambling point is: If your heart isn't in it, don't bother.
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