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asked not to plan turkey day dinner
A little background first....
My sister and I live in Las Vegas (we currently live together, but I am getting ready to move out in about 6 weeks) our whole family lives in Canada.... thanksgiving is not a big canadian holiday. This year my dad and his girlfriend will happen to be in Las Vegas during American Thanksgiving this year. My sister's boyfriend's mother and sister are coming to LV for thanksgiving. My sister and I love entertaining and we always plan dinners, games nights, parties, - our friends love all the entertaining that we do.
So.....
My sister called me and said she was planning to do a big thanksgiving dinner with the people who are coming down to visit and some of our mutual friends. She wanted to invite my boyfriend and I- strange that I would be invited to a dinner at my own house. During the invitation phone call she said that I am not allowed to be involved with any of the planning. She said that I can only bring buns. She said that her friend will help her cook and she does not want me to be involved. She also assigned her friend to do the decor and table setting.
Here is the problem..... I am an event planner and I love doing table settings and planning. I was disappointed and I told her that.
After we got off the phone she accidentally sent me a txt message when it was intended for her friend.... it said that I was already trying to take over and that she doesn't want me involved. -ouch. I texted her back and told her to double check her recipients before she sends txt msgs. She then called me and left a voicemail apologizing and saying how mean it was.
I'm now crushed that my sister does not think I'm good enough to plan a thanksgiving day dinner, and that she didn't want me involved.
Any thoughts on this?
Re: asked not to plan turkey day dinner
okay, this may sound harsh, but.... it sounds more like your sister wants to be able to plan something herself. that perhaps she thinks you try to control things like this? you stated that you are an event planner and love to do it.... do you throw that in her face when you have a party in your own home?
to me it just seems more like she wants to handle this on her own without you butting in. I don't know if you do but in, but it seems like maybe that is what she thinks.
That was harsh.. but I was expecting it. My problem is that she obviously needs help cause she has asked her friend to help her. It was very insulting that she wouldn't even let me help out with something I love doing- I don't "butt in" if I am not asked to help- I am very aware of planners who have to have their say in everything... I am not like that. Also keeping in mind... I will still be living there!
I should have mentioned earlier that I have a controlling sister to who likes to throw things in you face... so I might be a little jaded on the other side
I know you have said that you aware of others who always need to have their way and that you are not one of them... but could she think otherwise? Sometimes those things are more subjective and relative to the person thinking them... ya know what I mean?
If I were you, I would just try to realize that she wants to do it on her own. Has she been able to do that in the past? It might not be so much you as it is her wanting to "own something".
That said, it is odd when it's your home too.
pixy-stix- constructive comments would be appreciated. If you have nothing nice to say you need not say anything. thank-you
I don't think what pixy_stix said was mean... I think it was just blunt and maybe that's not what you're used to? Just my thoughts on that.
She asked her friend for help, which means she does need help.. but, she doesn't want your help, she wants her friend's help. Sorry if that is too blunt, also, but it is what it is. I'm sure you would rather me not have to sugar coat everything.
Yeah, it really sucks that your sister doesn't want you involved, but this can be a chance for you to just relax and enjoy the meal.. and a chance for your sister to shine. Let her have her fun... what's the harm in that? You said you like doing things like this... well, someday you can have your own dinner party and ask who ever you want to help you. But this is for your sister to decide on, as it's her dinner party.
I agree with this. Let her have her fun this time, and be the star. Maybe you can plan the next one for Christmas or New Years. Just relax and go with the flow. Enjoy just being a guest this year.
I also don't think pixy was trying to be mean, just blunt and very honest. Sometimes, it sucks for people to be honest, but that's one of the risks you take when you ask for advice.
Good Luck!
I'm going to go out on a limb here. This is your sister. Someone you grew up with. She has a heck of a lot of history w/ you that is probably playing a role in this.
Let me ask this- are you older than her? If you are older, then somewhere in your lives, you may have been the bossy older sister.
And I'll throw you a bone - you may truly be very good at not taking over, even though this is your career. BUT- even if you don't "take over", if your sister ever saw you as the "bossy sister", that is casting a shadow over this and she's going to see you as that no.matter.what.
That text message is what leads me to think this.
However, at the same time, you told her that you're upset that you can't do the table and help plan. As much as you may try to take the backseat, just by saying that, it puts her on the spot to once again hand over the reigns to you and let you go at it.
And as the two of you always plan huge parties together, I'm sure you take much more of the lead than maybe you even realize. I mean- really think about it. REALLY think. For past events - how much advice would you ask of your sister, and how many of her ideas and thoughts did you go with? REALLY think about this.
Because while you may feel you aren't taking over, just from the nature of your job, you may have railroaded her more times than you realize.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree with pp. Your sister just wants this to be her party and not have you take over or help out. I doubt she's doing it to be offensive, but rather so she can actually have party that she plans.
From what I gathered from you, it sounds like you take credit for your work, even if you don't take control of the situation. If you sister asked you to set the table and at the dinner somone commented on how nice it was, would you sit there and let her take all the praise or say "Oh thanks! I did that!!"?
Just let her have her dinner party and you be a guest. That's clearly what she wants and you shouldn't make her feel guilty for that.
it's okay that your sister asked someone else for help and not you. I don't think I can properly verbalize this... but here goes..
it may be easier/more fun for her to plan this event with someone of her own experience level. You being an event planner is putting her on a lower tier of knowledge or authority.. if she gets help from a friend, they are equals. That alone would make me lean more towards getting help from a friend vs my sister, regardless of how bossy or not-bossy you might be. And even if you aren't bossy, your role as an event planner could lead her to perceive you that as bossy or the authority even though you are not intending that.
Sorry if I'm not clear.. having problems articulating today.
LOL--I'd say you've just shown us all why your sister wants to plan it herself. You ARE a bit controlling.
This is a message board. You asked for advice. No one is calling you names or being "mean"--just honest. Grow up.
This exactly. If you knew pixy at all, you'd know that she's just a blunt, straightforward person. You also just completely proved your sister's point.
I agree with all the PPs, even though I tend to be more like you.
Sometimes people just want to prove they can do something on their own. My friends all tease me and call me "Martha Stewart" b/c I LOVE hosting and am generally a great hostess - it's one of my gifts and I SOOOOOOOO enjoy it
But you have to learn that sometimes people want to do things on their own - even if it isn't how you would do it, ya know? It's really hard for me, also, to just step back and let other people take over, but that's what you have to do sometimes. Don't take it as an insult (although that text would have offended me as well and left me feeling hurt), but rather that your sister wants to prove herself to her bf's family - that she can cook and provide a good meal for them!
Also, being an older sister (as I am too), you have to realize that even if YOU haven't done or said anything in the past to make your sister feel "lesser", others may have, and you need to try to let her be her own person. I've been in that boat as well, and it's tough to know where to step, as even if you haven't been tooting your own horn, others may be putting her skills down when you're not around, and she may feel inadequate because of that. Try to realize that and work with it - remembering to praise her when she does things her own way and they're a success - even if it's not how YOU would have done it. A little praise from her big sister probably means a lot to her.