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mom is bad with money- really long
*sigh* Just got off the phone with my mom. She was sooo excited, telling me all about her new massage chair she purchased. A $1500 massage chair. I'm so frustrated!
Here's the background and my issue. My mom just got a great job a few weeks ago with a school system as manager of the kitchen (head lunch lady, basically) and my step dad does his own high skilled carpentry work (stair mechanics, elaborate trim, etc.) for builders and personal home owners. They are 'comfortable' financially, but still have a mortgage payment, car payments and last time I spoke with my mom about it, she had a $5,000 credit card debt also. They have never had jobs that have given them retirement benefits (neither are college grads). To the best of my knowledge, they have no personal retirement accounts accounts either. They are both in their early 50s.
The money my mom used to purchase the chair with came from my grandmother. Grandma is slowly liquidating her assets and cash and occassionally distributes $3000 at a time to her three kids. My mom used 1500 of that on a chair and another 1000 on a vacation.
When I hear about all this money spent on vacations and extra expenses (they also have purchased a Sleep by Number bed, new computer, new dishwasher, two new guns- my step dad collects, garage renovation, giant riding lawnmower, etc. in the past few years), I am really upset. I'm not saying they shouldn't ever splurge and have some fun... but it can get a little irresponsible.
I've spoken to my mom about her lack of retirement benefits and financial situation about 2-3 years or so ago. I approached it delicately, explaining to her that Rob (DH) and I were working on our long term financial plan and that the plan DOES include consideration of taking care of aging parents. My mom clammed up, I could tell she was embarassed and said, "Not all of us can have jobs that have such great retirement benefits like you." She admitted she had no savings and that she was counting on their home & potential inheritance from my grandma to be their retirement plan. Their house is nice, but it's a basic 3 bedroom ranch. And my grandma would be considered upper middle class, but certaily not that wealthy (plus she's living healthily in an assisted living facility that will likely eat up much of her money) The whole conversation just killed me.
I understand that my mom and step dad have worked hard their whole life and I have no problem helping to support them eventually. I'm just afraid that their lack of planning and fiscal responsibility now will result in we three kids having to contribute massive amounts of our resources for them. I mean... why am I planning and saving for my parents retirement already and they're not? It doesn't seem fair!
Anyone else ever had issues like this? Anyone ever had conversations with their parents about money? Any suggestions welcome. I'm also posting this on the money matters page, too.
Re: mom is bad with money- really long
I feel your pain. I'm in a sort of similar position where my mom doesn't have any savings nor a retirement plan. She is single and she doesn't overspend but just the fact that there's no back up plan scares me. My culture (I'm from an Asian country) sort of dictates that it is the children's responsibility to take care of their parents. I would, eventually, but the financial responsibility is something I'm scared about. It also doesn't help that my mom loves to joke that she wants to move in with us. Yikes!
Then, there's the guilt and sometimes feeling like I'm being selfish, but that's a whole other story.
I really don't have any answers but just want to let you know that I understand what you're going through. Good luck.?
I don't have any answers, but I understand where you're coming from. Only in my situation, it's DH's mom who is totally irresponsible with money. It doesn't help that DH is very generous with his family, so I suspect that some day we'll be dealing with this issue ourselves.
As for you and your mom, can I recommend a guy named Dave Ramsey? He's a financial talk show host, and has written several books. (You can find them on amazon.com or you can get most of the info at daveramsey.com and by listening to his show.) I started listening to his radio show a month or two ago, and really like his advice. It's very straight forward, "old fashioned", common sense stuff. He seems to be able to break down the problem into smaller, more managable pieces that make things seem less overwhelming for people. You might want to give him a try, and if you like it, you could work through some of his "baby steps" with your mom.
HTH
I'm a big fan of Dave Ramsey. My husband and I follow his plan. The ironic thing - as it applies to this situation - though, is that he says to "beware of the powdered butt syndrome". Don't expect some one who has powdered your butt to listen to money advice from you. At this point, it sounds like she's pretty set in her ways. Trust me. I fully understand. My parents are horrible with money. My dad doesn't even have home owners insurance on the house he inherited 9 years ago. I gave up trying to convince them, though.
I think the best thing you can do is to make sure you have your finances in order and let go of the rest. It's noble of you to want to take care of your parents. I hope I can too, but I can't convince them to do it for themself. My parents are both of retirement age and couldn't even come close to considering it since they haven't planned. I look at it like it's not my problem... at least not now.
What if you make it a joke -- tell her "You know, mom. We're never going to be able to going to be able to get a good price for that when we sell it to pay for your nursing home bills." or some thing like that. Some times over sarcastic humor can be very affective.
good luck!