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I need some perspective (long).
My mom lives in Indiana, but I haven't seen her in over a year (since my wedding). To make a long story short, she's done a lot of things that are (at least in mine and my sister's opinions) unforgivable. Just to name a few--I practically raised my brother when I was in high school because my mom was always out drinking and not coming home until sometimes days later. Two days before my wedding, she passed out while watching my niece and nephew (but my aunt and grandmother were there to watch them, too). She didn't come to my rehearsal and threatened not to come to the wedding, too. Basically, she drinks way too much. There are numerous more things I could mention, but I think these examples show her for who she is.
After my wedding, my sister stopped talking to my mom. She didn't talk to her from June-January. This past January was the one year anniversary of my BIL's mom's death. I guess my sister was feeling guilty and decided to talk to my mom. I talk to her every couple of months or so, but it's usually for about 5 minutes. She doesn't call to see how I am; she only calls when she needs something. Recently, my brother came to visit. The night before he left to go to my dad's in South Carolina, my mom got totally trashed. My brother had to go pick her up at 2am. He's 16. I cried the entire day before I had to fly him back to Indiana.
I know this sounds cruel, and I don't mean any offense to anyone who has lost a parent. I honestly feel like I don't have a mother. If she died, my life wouldn't change at all except for worrying about my brother even more. I have a better relationship with E's mom. The only reason I had been talking to my mom was guilt. I felt like I should talk to her so that I wouldn't feel guilty if she died and we hadn't spoken. That should never be a reason to talk to your own mother. Whenever I do talk to her, I tend to get upset. Do you think it's cruel for me not to speak to her?
Re: I need some perspective (long).
clstar,
I don't think I can really give you any great advice, but I just wanted you to know someone hears what you are saying. I have lost a parent (my dad) and it was an awful experience. I haven't gone through anything with either of my parents that you have, and I do feel so sorry for you that you feel you have to choose whether or not to remove her from your life. In the end, only you know what is best for yourself. Maybe you should separate yourself from her for a while so that you can clear your head and focus on you.
None of us can really give you an answer as to what will work for you, but my thoughts are with you. I hope you are able to make a decision that gives you peace.
Thanks for the advice, ladies. I know it's something I have to decide on my own. The thing is, she will use me not talking to her to get more sympathy from my aunts and grandmother. She is very manipulative. My aunts and grandmother all enable her, telling my sister and I that our mother is just sad that doesn't get to see us and that that's the reason she drinks. I get sad sometimes too, but I don't go out and get totally plastered, either. Plus, she did this when we all lived at home and not in three different states. It's just so frustrating.
Holly, thanks for what you said. That really means a lot to me. Sometimes I hate that I turned out well because she tries to take credit for it. She says things like, "Well, you turned out okay so I must've done something right." I just don't agree with that.
That is an extremely sad situation. I really don't know what I would do and I feel for you. I don't think I can give you a correct answer because I'm not in your situation but I think if this is a truly toxic relationship you'll have to step away from the situation.
By no means am I suggesting abandoning her altogether because she still is your mother but maybe by letting her know your there if she really needs you but you will not enable her behavior.
I always think communication is the best thing rather than avoidance but if the person has a serious problem such as addiction, nothing is really going to get through to that person. You can only try to do what's best for you and if the time comes for you to be a support for that person if they want to get help be there.
I would worry more about being there for your brother who still has to be a child with an alcoholic as a parent. I really hope you can find peace in whatever decision you make. Its not your fault that your mother is this way. Sadly, those are the cards you were dealt. Hope that helps.
ebi,
I definitely feel you on the being embarrassed part. I only had two friends in high school that knew how my mom really was. Every one of my other friends thought it was so cool that she would try to get me to drink and didn't care what I did. What they didn't know was that I was having to work to help take care of my brother and pretty much missed out on most of the fun during my high school years. My senior year, I was working so many hours and trying to keep my grades up that I blacked out in a parking lot after work one night. I fell right onto the asphalt and got horrible scrapes and bruises. I didn't even tell anyone except for those two friends where the injuries came from because I was embarrassed that I was even having to work to support my mom's alcohol habit.
I'm so sorry Courtney. That's super tough ((hugs))
I have no advice since I'm dealing with my own toxic family right now (although not my mom thank goodness) but if you want to dinner or have so one to talk to just let me know. :-)
Ponder-ing whether or not to become a Viking's fan
I am so sorry to hear that you have to be put in such a situation. I don't blame you for not wanting to talk to her. It's really best to remove negativity from your life but I know how much you must worry about your little brother - considering he is probably more like your son.
I wouldn't look down on you/blame you for not talking to her - it's not that you don't love her - she is your mother and deep down inside, you can't get rid of that feeling. I am not in a situtation similar to yours by any means but I have an uncle with a major drinking problem and I barely talk to him. If it weren't for the fact that he takes care of my grandmother and that I love my cousin dearly, I would probably never talk to him because I can't stand what he does to himself and the people around him.
Your aunt and your sister have rose colored glasses on and you can't help that. You are not going to stand by her while she literally is killing herself and can't even see it or while she tries to guilt trip everyone else around her!
Your brother is very lucky to have two sisters like he does - I really admire the way you take care of him no matter what.
I hope you figure it out and know that your Nesties are hear to help!
I get this too.. It frustrates me to no end. I moved out when I was 17. My mom never supported me and has been very toxic the last few years. I even refused to let her walk me down the aisle. It was me that made me who I am in the last 10 years.
Just know you have friends here in Orlando that love & support you.