How honest would you be?

ChooGirl

Backstory: I got an email a few weeks ago from a friend of our mortgage broker (random, I  know). The girl is newly engaged and wants to get married in Cabo at our venue. I met the girl last week for drinks to discuss planning and she is super nice. I can tell that we are going to be fast friends. While discussing the process, she started (politely) asking questions about our budget/what we ended up spending. I dodged most of her questions. We're getting together again in a few days, so...

How honest would you be if she brought up budget again? She shared freely what her budget is. I want to help her, but I don't know her that well (yet), and I don't know if she has the budget for that venue. She has a good chunk of change to plan with and could obviously run the numbers on her own, but I know that on paper, it is going to look like she may be able to afford to have her wedding there. However, I know the financial reality...

Thoughts?

vhcoleman09

This is a bit hard to answer because how people talk about money varies drastically. If it were me, I would've just answered her questions honestly because I don't have any issues with discussing money. But it sounds like you're not as open as I would be, which would lead me to suggest that you just tell her that you're uncomfortable with talking about your specific budget but can help her get an idea of actual price ranges of things from your research.

I think it ultimately would be helpful for her to know that she probably won't be able to afford your venue based on her budget, either way.

stjoespirit04

I'd tell her.  It's not like she's asking how much you make at your job. You could really just mention that there are a lot of extra costs involved that she may want to look into before making that decision.

 I don't know what your situation was re: money, but if she gets judgy, you can also mention that these days, most people get help in paying for weddings by both sides and pay some themselves.

Kellybeth124

If real figures make you a little uneasy I would say something like, the reality of using this venue is that we spent about 15% more than what we expected to based on initial figures. Or that in all scenarios, weddings generally cost a bit more than people initially expect so if a budget is stretched from the get-go it might be a wise decision to look elsewhere too so she can get the most for her money.

keb270

Kellybeth124:

If real figures make you a little uneasy I would say something like, the reality of using this venue is that we spent about 15% more than what we expected to based on initial figures. Or that in all scenarios, weddings generally cost a bit more than people initially expect so if a budget is stretched from the get-go it might be a wise decision to look elsewhere too so she can get the most for her money.

 This. It allows you to honest with her, but doesn't include any more information than you are willing to give.

mamie329

I've always been upfront with other brides about the financial reality of a wedding. Like stjoes' said, you're not telling her your salary.

gmk1784

I don't think that you need to share your budget with her.  I personally don't like talking about specific money figures, and I don't think it's really necessary because she could be planning a totally different wedding than your's and it may not even relate.

If you think she can't afford it, I'd do what the pp's suggested and tell her that maybe it's not the best venue for her.

ChooGirl

mamie329:

I've always been upfront with other brides about the financial reality of a wedding. Like stjoes' said, you're not telling her your salary.

See, this is why I feel conflicted. Part of me feels like if I knew her better, I would not have thought twice about it. But the other half of me feels such a kinship (of sorts) with girls going through the destination planning process. 

I'm  buttoned up about it when people ask because, well, we spent a lot. But we paid for 95% of  it ourselves, so no one would ever be able to call me a spoiled beebee. Crazy? Absolutely. Spoiled? Nope. But that doesn't mean I don't think about being judged...

I'm leaning towards just telling her. I'd feel more horrible if she put down a deposit and then realized they couldn't afford it than I would if she judged me for what was spent.

ChooGirl

Kellybeth124:

If real figures make you a little uneasy I would say something like, the reality of using this venue is that we spent about 15% more than what we expected to based on initial figures. Or that in all scenarios, weddings generally cost a bit more than people initially expect so if a budget is stretched from the get-go it might be a wise decision to look elsewhere too so she can get the most for her money.

Or maybe this is the best compromise. Holy weird convo with a relative stranger about their finances. Oy.

shagadelk7

Honestly, I would tell her straight up what you paid for the catering. If gives her an idea of how much the majority of the wedding will cost without you having to tell her your total budget. (Really, she could figure out how much the catering would be herself, assuming the venue has a pretty common per plate fee) I think that right there gives her an idea of what the actual base of the wedding will cost and maybe make her realize that she is going to have to skimp on the other stuff in order to fit into her budget.

 

 

hawkilady

I would just give her the numbers on the venue but not on unrelated costs - she can figure out the rest based on her tastes/needs. No need to talk about what you paid for your dress/flowers/cake, etc. I would also caveat your spending with choices you made on dinner/alcohol etc that were options.

angelfire0412

I find myself to be a little too forthcoming in convos like this but, I also don't like specific numbers. How I have described my wedding budget to others is in fractions, i.e., our decor was approximately 1/4 of the budget, f&b was 1/3 etc...

sarajoy12345

Since you do know what her budget is, I would be honest with her about your thought that she may be unable to afford the same venue. Talk to her about travel tips and maybe other resorts in the area that you may have heard of. This will get the message across without you having to go into speicifics or a line-by-line of your own budget.

odiered

I would be honest as well. She isn't asking you how much you made or even how much you yourself paid. It would probably help her to see a breakdown (and actual numbers) so that she can see what areas she would have to skimp on to make it work.

Like perhaps you spent $xxx on your dress, but she's willing to forgoe the designer dress and only spend $xx; so that saves money, right there.

mrscdobs

See, I don't see the point in keeping your cards close to your vest about your wedding budget.  Granted, I get that she isn't a close friend so there's kind of a weird line you're walking.  Then again, why not just be a nice person and give her the advice she's looking for?  I have been very candid with people I know who have asked for wedding advice, and I don't feel weird about it at all.  We paid for 100% of our wedding and I appreciated people being honest with me when I was seeking advice during the planning stages.  You're doing her a favor by telling her up front.

It's kind of a pet peeve of mine when people get all shady about money... not that I generally ask people what their salary is.  I don't particularly care if people know how much money I make OR spend - all anyone needs to know is that it's not on credit cards and I'm paying my bills just fine.  

LarkNow

hawkilady:

I would just give her the numbers on the venue but not on unrelated costs - she can figure out the rest based on her tastes/needs. No need to talk about what you paid for your dress/flowers/cake, etc. I would also caveat your spending with choices you made on dinner/alcohol etc that were options.

This.  If you think, based on what you've seen, that she can't afford it, you need to tell her now.  That is such important, useful information.

ChooGirl

mrscdobs:

It's kind of a pet peeve of mine when people get all shady about money... not that I generally ask people what their salary is.  I don't particularly care if people know how much money I make OR spend - all anyone needs to know is that it's not on credit cards and I'm paying my bills just fine.  

I agree. I hate that money is such a weird/divisive issue. It didn't used to be for me, but a few years ago I was super (super) burned in regards to discussing money in "mixed" company, and since then, I've kept my mouth shut about it. To me, keeping quiet is waaaaaaaaay better than ever experiencing what I went through again. Ugh.

LarkNow

ChooGirl:

I agree. I hate that money is such a weird/divisive issue. It didn't used to be for me, but a few years ago I was super (super) burned in regards to discussing money in "mixed" company, and since then, I've kept my mouth shut about it. To me, keeping quiet is waaaaaaaaay better than ever experiencing what I went through again. Ugh.

This kind of happened to me too.  We always had enough growing up, a house and food though no one was buying me a car or anything.  In college though I had a friend who was constantly asking me where I got things and how much my things cost.  It got to the point where I was lying to her and if she asked if my sweater was new I would say no because I didn't want to listen to her say "I wish I had the money to buy a new sweater."  Ick.