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SIL Vent
I get into a back-and-forth debate with my sister-in-law every year over Christmas presents for my two nieces (ages 11 and 6). I get along with my sil well, but we don't exactly see eye-to-eye on fashion or gifts. This year, my older niece is in middle school and I would like to get her some nicer clothes. I can afford to and they are the only children I buy for and she is my god-daughter so I would LOVE to spoil her.
Well, I received a "chirstmas wish list" from my SIL on ideas for the girls. She put so many restrictions. She basically said only jeans from old navy, shoes for the older one only "this type of style" and don't spend more than $12, earrings for the girls from overstock.com only which cost $5. I dont mean to offend her but I didnt like ANYTHING on that list. I know I could go off the list and get whatever I want but last year she asked me for receipts for everything claiming the clothes didnt fit!
When I mentioned to her that I would get them some tops to match the jeans that she put on the list this year, she stopped me by saying No, they dont need tops. I have tons. Yet, I see them wear the same faded tops to family dinner every sunday.
Ayyyy what to do....I love my neices to death and would love to spoil them but SIL makes it very difficult!
Re: SIL Vent
Ay Jenny, what a pickle you're in. As much as I hate to say it (and as unfair as it is), I think you're going to have to respect your SIL's wishes. It's apparent that she doesn't want you to spoil them, and, as their mother, that is her decision to make. Personally, I think it's ridiculous - every parent should want the best for their child, no matter where it comes from. I don't know what their financial situation is, but maybe they don't want their children to get used to having "nicer" clothes, since they might not always be able to buy them. Or maybe she's one of those parents who has jealousy issues. But it's Christmas, man. Not cool.
That said, I don't think you would like it if your SIL was going against your wishes when it came to your children, no matter what.
Don't worry - when you have your kids, you can spoil them all you want!
i have to agree with Eli.
I know it sucks. My sis and I do not have the same taste and she has a 16 year old daughter which i love to spoil too. I know whats hip and whats in and can afford to spoil my niece so when i get my niece clothes that my sister wouldnt exactly pick out my sister gives me that WTF look LOL, however she doesnt forbid me not to get things she knows my niece will like, as long as its nothing slutty which i would never get for her anyway! However if she was to place some rules on gift giving to her daughter that will be something i would have to respect. You dont want to step over bounderies or step on her toes as her role of a mother.
I totally feel you, my SIL and BIL and a little strange. For a few years we were not allowed to spoil the oldest child but we were able to spoil the other 2. The oldest (now in 7th grade) was a little irresponsible for a couple of years so they felt the best way to handle it was to have everyone punish her at Christmas time. It was horrible to see her face on Christmas morning when she didn't get things off her wish list and instead got outfits to match her little sister. They spoil the little ones (1st and 2nd grade) so much that whenever it's someone's birthday they all get presents. The first grader is so used to it that when I don't give him a present on his sister's birthday he throws a temper tantrum.
Unfortunately you'll have to follow what your SIL asks for. Do the grandparents have to follow the same rules?
I have learned not to ask for lists, nor do I tell anybody what I am buying. I used to tell the parents "oh I am thinking of getting them this..." and I would get "no, they wouldn't like that" or "I think you should get them this instead." I hated it.
From now on I don't say anything and buy whatever I choose (it's a gift, I don't need their approval as long as it's appropriate) and if they ask me what I am getting them I simple say that I don't know yet.
I don't run into this issue anymore.
I just read some other people's responses. I'm sorry but I don't think you need to get your SIL's approval for gifts! I mean it's a gift, meaning you choose what you want to give, if anything at all. You shouldn't give something you don't want to give. I mean it's one thing if you were to give her a shirt that shows her tummy if you know she's not allowed to wear it, but as long as you know as it's appropriate, you don't need approval! That is a power trip.
Oh and Jessica, I have had the same issue with my SIL about the toys thing. I literally was told three years in a row to get my nephew the SAME gift. I finally said no, I am not getting him that, I have given it to him before and he cannot possibly want the same thing again (the same star wars action figure). She felt like he was spoiled so she didn't want me to get him anything he would really want. Guess what, I went off her list and he loved it and I still get thanks today about it!
Thanks for the advice ladies! And no, its not about buying them midriff's or sexy clothes at all! lol. Its more about buying them some nicer things to wear than the same 4 shirts they wear in rotation. If I am going to gift something, I usually like to get a polo shirt from ralph lauren or even marshalls or something cute from the kids section at macys.
I do not ask for a list, ever. I was emailed one about a month ago. I finally opened it today
. I am going to do the same thing I do every year, get a couple things off the list and get one or two things on my own. And yes, the list applies to the grandparents too. Thats her style I guess.
Michi - I agree with your philosophy that a gift is a gift, and you should be able to purchase what you want if you decide to give a gift at all. I don't make a habit of asking people what they want for Christmas either, for that specific reason. BUT... in Jenny's particular situation, where she KNOWS that it would make her SIL unhappy if she strayed from the approved list, it would be disrespectful to go against her SIL's wishes. Yes, she might be a hero in her niece's eyes, but her SIL would resent her. She is their mother, she gets to decide what's good for her kids - and if that means she doesn't want them spoiled at Christmas, it's her decision to make. This situation is about infringing on parenting, not about gift etiquette.
If they were my kids and my brother went behind my back and bought something for my kids that I didn't approve of - a.) I' would be LIVID and b.) I would throw it away or return it. And then guess who wins?
And no, I'm not saying that what she's doing is right - I strongly disagree with her "list" - I think it's ridiculous, as I said in my pp. Either way, they're her kids, and her word is final.
JMHO. And sorry, Jenny! I hope you can compromise with your SIL (or at least make her see reason!)
I agree with Michi. I wouldn't let her tell you what to buy, especially since it's a gift! Have you asked her why only those specific stores/shoes? Maybe the girls requested those styles? I know for my little sister we can only buy her jeans from Kids Gap, b.c they're the only ones that fit her right. I seriously don't get the $5 earrings though... I say get her what you like, since a different style shirt isn't going to hurt anyone!
I see what you are saying too. I just think this woman is a little crazy and is the rude and disrespectful one for her list. Who tells people what to buy their kids without someone asking them first? And makes it so strict, no less!
I just can't wrap my mind around how this would be considered spoiling her or going against her parenting wishes, it's not like it's a pony! Like Jenny said, it could be from somewhere inexpensive or on sale even if its a good brand. I would honestly talk to her if it was a problem just to understand her logic.
Jenny, your idea seems to work. Get a couple of things from the list and a couple of of things off of the list.
Oh in-laws, aren't they lovely?
Michi, I never said nor intended to mean that my sil is rude or crazy. She is neither of these things and I kind of dont like where this post is going. She is picky about what her daughters receive for Christmas. I think Eli hit it right on the nail in that they cannot provide as much for them as others can and she doesnt want them to get used to certain kinds of things. My vent was more of an aunt wanting to spoil her nieces the way I think most aunts love to.
sorry that this is happening...gift buying and giving should be fun!
I usually buy my nice and nephews toys because they are small, so my sister makes the list for santa and we pick from the list. So she knows what I am getting not to duplicate gifts among the family.... that way they get things that they really want....plus they are boys, so they hate when you give them clothes! - I guess things might change when they grow up but I spoiled them... that is what Tita's are for! (that's what they called me).
This is always a touchy subject... My Mom's SIL would do the same thing... but instead, she would request expensive toys, or very specific things (i.e. the Bratz Dollhouse, LeapFrog Games, etc...). Personally, if it was me, I would just get whatever I want and that's it... if she wants to wipe her butt with it, that's her problem... but that's just me. I'm a bit more sever.
I agree that a gift is a gift, and that you should get her something that comes from you. That should be your choice.
I think that if it makes you more comfortable to still honor her specific requests, and also getting her things that you like as well, you should go for it... it's a great idea, and you can DEFINITELY find all those nice brands at ross, tj maxx, etc... there is NOTHING wrong with that. We are all entitled to have a few nice things here and there, and it doesn't mean they will get used to only that. Good luck with your sticky situation, and I hope this doesn't add any stress to what is supposed to be a stress-free Holiday Season.
Sorry Jenny! I misinterpreted it because I have a SIL that acts a little rude and crazy around this time of year and I read what you wrote and saw it as a similar situation. Sometimes it's hard to interpret thing when they are read.
I understand what you mean now.
No worries!
Good, I wouldn't want to upset you!
I seriously had flash backs of my SIL drama and it makes me cringe!