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How to split the holidays when both parents live in the same town?
My DH and I are lucky enough to live in the same town with both sets of parents. It is great for cutting back on long holiday travel but I feel like I still spend half of Thanksgiving and Christmas in the car. We celebrate both holidays with both parents on the same day. This means on Thanksgiving I have to bake something for both families, drive to one parent?s house for a big turkey dinner and then drive to the other for a second turkey dinner.
For Christmas we often first open our presents to each other at our house, then drive to my parent?s house to spend a few hours with them, and then drive across town to spend the rest of the day with his family. Sometimes we even get back in the car and drive across town to watch a movie or play games at my parents house in the evening and then we drive another 30 minutes back home. I am thinking we spend a total of 1.5-2hrs in the car on Thanksgiving Day and Christmas.
Our house isn't big enough to spend the holidays at our house and invite both families over (my DH has 7 siblings), so one big party at our house isn't an option. I'd like to split up our time on different days but my husband and mother-in-law think it's very important that we spend time with both sides on the actual holiday. No one seems willing to celebrate with us on Christmas Eve or the weekend after a holiday. Trying to persuade them is being difficult and causing drama.
What I need is some great ideas to run past them on how we can separate the days we celebrate and still make everyone happy. How do we divvy up the Holidays when both families live in the same town? What do other people do that seems to work well? Please help!
Re: How to split the holidays when both parents live in the same town?
As soon as we moved in together, we started hosting Thanksgiving for everyone. Its just our parents and our siblings so not a huge crowd. And DH's mom hosts Christmas breakfast, then we usually go to my Dad's for Christmas dinner. Both sets of parents and siblings are always invited to all of the above.
Works well so far.
we have tight knit families as well, but the way we explained it is that "we really want to see BOTH of you and don't want to feel like we're in a rush, we want to be able to spend QUALITY TIME" It might take a christmas or two for everyone to understand but honestly it cuts down on SO much stress, we're no longer trying to "figure out" christmas's anymore, we already know that next year will be my family on christmas day, his family has an entire year knowing that we'll be seeing them another day
I come from a large blended family and married into a non-blended family. DH's family thinks that they HAVE to celebrate on the actual holiday. It drives me crazy that they can't seem to compromise but since I am used to celebrating when it works with my family thats what we normally do.
The actual day with DH's family and whenever with mine. It seems to work for us for the most part. If it happens that they fall on the same day we would either split the day between the families or he will go to his and I will go to mine.
I'd ask him at what point does your (meaning you and him) family become a priority in this. Esp if you plan on having kids!
Also, someone pointed this out once- do your parents split the holidays between all their parents? Hmmmm..... probably not.
This is what happens as people grow up, get married, have kids - how you spend the holidays needs to change and gel w/ this.
Out of his 7 siblings- are any of them married and do any have kids? If so- do they all come to his parents every year ON the holiday? If NOT- then use that as a point!
Personally, I would much rather extend the holiday to cover a couple days so that you can enjoy yourselves w/ everyone vs running around and being frazzled 1/2 the day.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
We have the same situation.
What we do is that we visit both sides but only eat with one set. We work out where to go first and at what time depending on what time the "meal" family plan to eat. So we might do a morning with one family and a late lunch with the other.
We're not interested in eating two meals.
Next year though we'll have a 1yr old so I'm not sure how we'll work it. The current format feels like a LONG day for a toddler.
We don't want to host everyone because both sets of parents aren't relaxed with each other. They are civil and get on, but it never feels comfortable and I don't want to spend Christmas day having awkward, stilted conversation.
Some other ideas we've considered:
1) Christmas eve with one side, Christmas day at home just us, Boxing day at the other side.
2) Christmas Eve with one side and Christmas Day with the other and alternating each year who gets which day.
Reading your post, your situation sounds a lot like mine. We drive several hours on Christmas Eve and Day (also Thanksgiving), between his immediate family, his extended family, my extended family on dad's side, and my extended family on step dad's side. All these homes are in the same general area (touching counties), within a 45 minute of a central radius.
My immediate family celebrates Christmas usually the week before, and this year, two weeks before, just to find a day everyone can come. To me, it's not about having it exactly on a day but being together with everyone and having a special time.
You can suggest your idea to celebrate on another day (and try to get DH on your side) but ultimately rigid people may not change their minds. You have to either enjoy seeing everyone and find a way to enjoy the ride with DH (I always do- time to talk) or choose to alternate years if you are miserable. It's all about perspective.
We do dinner with one family, and dessert with another. DH's family doesn't do big desserts like we do (Italian family who cares as much about the cookies and pies as the meal), so we generally eat dinner with them. Once in a while I want to have the meal with my family, so we'll do "dessert" with ILs and back to my parents' for more gluttonous sweets.
Oh - and lately I've been livid with DH's family, so he does his family and I do mine. Works perfectly for me.
74 books read in 2011
Ok I can relate. Here's what we do.
Thanksgiving day is split in half. We get to in-laws in the morning and have the turkey feast for lunch. We leave around 1/2 and head to my family where we have steak and potatoes for supper. We head back home around 8/8:30.
On Christmas, we spend 2 days with one side and 2 days with the other. Each year depends on when Christmas falls because of my sister's work schedule. This year, we're at my family on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Get up Saturday morning and head to in-laws. We're there Saturday and Sunday, driving back for work on Monday that night.
In my opinion, they're going to have to give up the whole "oh my gosh, it's not actually Christmas and we're celebrating". That just can't happen if you both want to see your family and if they want to see you. Our first year married (5 years ago), we told everybody what our plan was and they adapted. It's their job to adapt because it's selfish and unfair to make you two do all the work. I know you said it's causing drama...but it's going to have to happen enventually. Our set up works great and both sets are just excited to have us whenever it is we're there...the actual day or not. I wonder if you "threatened" to do it every other year if they would be more flexible. Childish, but may work!
Good luck!