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splitting holidays between families
This relates somewhat to the previous post. I am recently married and this will be our 1st holiday season as newlyweds! For Thanksgiving, we are not traveling home, so that eliminates the dilemma of who to celebrate with.... for Christmas, however, this will be more tricky.
Our families live in the same state, but about 1 hour away from each other. Up until this year, we always celebrated holidays separately (and DH would join for dessert or something).... we weren't ready to give up our respective families' dinners. This year, though, we will be sharing the holiday.
Any thoughts on how to discuss this with the fam? I'm most worried about my family -- growing up my dad was not close with his family, so we always defaulted to my mother's family for holidays. DH is not interested in defaulting to my family. I am the first to get married and have a serious relationship, so there is no other precedent in my family. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!
Re: splitting holidays between families
Splitting holidays between families is so hard. My husbands family doesn't do holidays with their extended family, and my family still does. I have a hard time skipping a holiday where I get to see my grandparents (I know they won't be around for too much longer) just to sit at his parents house...not to mention we see his parents all the time. His mom finally spoke up about wanting more holidays. My sister in law does the every other holiday thing. Every other year she is with us for thanksgiving, xmas eve, xmas day, easter...it gets way too confusing. I like structure - and tradition - we finally broke down and told our families that thanksgiving and xmas eve will always be DHs fam and xmas day and easter will always be with my fam. I refuse to squeeze both families in the same day - it makes for a stressful and busy holiday.
Since it sounds like you are coming from out of town - that does make it a little harder. I personally would set which holiday you will be with each side of the family - but that is just me. Most people squeeze both families in in one day (an hour isn't too bad of a drive), or do the every other holiday thing.
Sorry I wasn't much help! Good luck decided!
My family is in L.A. (grandmother, aunt & uncle, and my ILs) and Chicago (mom & stepdad, father and his gf and one set of grandparents).
We alternate cities and families.
Example:
In 2008, we were in Chicago for Passover, Rosh Hashana and Thanksgiving
In 2009 - we were in L.A. for Labor Day with Dh's parents; in Chicago for Yom Kippur. We're doing Thanksgiving with my Aunt and Grandma
In 2010 we'll be in Chicago for Passover, Rosh Hashana and Thanksgiving.
I always go to Chicago for Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur to be with my bubbe and zayde. Even if my DH can't make it.
You will never make everyone happy -- so set your own priorities.
DH's parents are VERY inflexible -- and my family here in L.A. is very flexible. DH's family won't split the day (or make it difficult to do so since they eat so damn early) -- my family will. So sometimes we have to say to his family - if it is all or nothing, it has to be nothing. (My family invites DH's parents and siblings to everything but they for some reason don't like doing anything with my family -- so good riddance.)
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Our families live 4 hours away from each other and his dad is on call for snow during the holiday season so they cannot come up to visit us. My family, while missing me, is understanding and willing to do holidays differently now that we're together. My family is a lot smaller than his and we don't have any major traditions, but I really like just being cozy on christmas eve snacking and watching movies with my family. My family is close by, so tomorrow, we are going to their house for thanksgiving, then we drive down to see DH's family for the weekend.
For Christmas, it's always just worked out with how many days we can take off of work and when the holiday falls. The last couple of years, we've gone to his family's house for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning because his extended family meets then, and then we drive back up to see my family Christmas afternoon for a nice dinner. Last year we had an awful snow storm and car problems on top of that so we spent Christmas with my parents and went downstate to the IL's for new years.
I'd LOVE to be only an hour away from them both!
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This isn't something to "discuss" w/ the family. You and DH need to figure out what works best for the TWO OF YOU. Do you want to run between two homes? Would you rather spend x-mas eve w/ one side then x-mas day w/ the other (then swap next year)?
Figure this out, then TELL your family "Hey , DH and I have been talking about Christmas. We really want to focus on quality time w/ everyone, and as such, we've decided to do ____. " and acknowledge the feelings that come w/ change. "We realize this may not be ideal, but it's what we feel will work best for us. We wish we could be 2 places at once, but we can't. It's going to be a change for everyone- and I totally understand if you're upset by this. I just hope, though, that you can understand that DH and I have to find a compromise in this.".
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Thanksgiving & Christmas- Lunch with my mom's side of the family
Dinner with DH's family
Christmas Eve- Dinner with my dad's side of the family
We do this every year and it works our perfect (our families all live within 30 minutes of each other so we don't have to travel much).
You and your husband need to discuss this and come to an arrangement that works out best for the both of you. And then stick to your guns. I would not allow others to have an opinion on it.
We handle it by sepnding XMas Eve with my family and XMas day with MH's family. Is it ideal? No. But it works for us and that is what matters.
We do an early "lunch" Thanksgiving meal with my parents, then in the evening go to MIL's for another meal "dinner"
Christmas: eve we host and have the IL's over, christmas day is with my family (and DH slips out for a few hours to see his mom).
We alternate Christmas Day, and spend time with the other family before or after Christmas as is convenient. My family is 3 hours out of town and DH's is local; this year, we'll drive up on the 23rd, stay until the 25th, and drive back after things have kind of wound down at my folks. Then we'll stop by his parents in the evening and do presents there, go home and sleep, and do Boxing Day with his extended family.
The other years, we spend the 24th and 25th with his family, then drive up the night of the 25th and spend a few days with my family.
We decided when we got married that this is what we were doing, and the rest of the family just rolls with it. It wasn't a discussion; it's our marriage and we had to decide how to handle it.
This - exactly! Our first year married I made us do everything we were invited to. We both knew that had to stop - there is a limit on how much turkey or how many holiday cookies a person can eat!
We now fit in everyone in the season, not one holiday. We chose the meal/day that best fit our needs, the family's needs, and the ones that made us the happiest. (I began to dread Christmas Eve at my grandmas, so I skip it!). Eveyone has adjusted and we are still sane!
Thanksgiving day - my grandma (we will do another dinner the weekend before or after)
Christmas Eve - DH's family
Christmas day - my mom, step dad's family joins us every year (we may visit my grandma for an hour, no food, no one else there - quick and easy - she lives 15 minutes from my mom)
After one year of running from house to house to visit everyone, and not enjoying my Christmas at all we changed our plans.
DH's parents live a half hour away, we live on the same street as my parents.
Christmas Eve-relaxed day at home, then church with my parents.
Christmas Day-vist with my family in the morning for gift exchange, IL's arrive at our house in the afternoon sometime, dinner with both of our families, and then IL's stay overnight with us.
Since DH is an only child it is just his parents. We have found it works the best for his parents to join us for the holidays. Much less stress.
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FI and I alternate since seeing my family requires flying across the country.
This year: Turkey Day at home, Xmas with my folks
Next Year: Turkey Day with my folks, Xmas at home
and so forth...
It's honestly the easiest way, but with your families only being an hour apart, maybe Xmas eve with one and Xmas with the other?
Hi, does your or his family celebrate Christmas eve? Maybe you can be with one family Christmas eve, and another Christmas day? Luckily it works out that way for us.
We've been together for three years and married since this August, and man, it is rough every year. I am extremely involved with my family, and he is getting back involved after his career took him out of involvement for several years...but his mother has VERY clear ideas about where and with whom we spend the holidays based on how she and her husband spent them when they were newlyweds. Thanksgiving isn't so bad - his parents live about an hour away and my parents live in the same town as us, so we just eat two Thanksgiving dinners.
Christmas is REALLY hard. Our son's birthday is on Christmas Eve - and I insist, until he gets older and wants to go to ChuckECheese or something, on celebrating at our house. The past two years we have had everyone come to us, but this year we will have son's birthday at home on Xmas Eve, Christmas breakfast with my family, gift exchange in the early afternoon about half an hour away with my mom's extended family, and then travel another hour away for Christmas dinner with his parents and brother.
It's hectic but I keep reminding myself not to be bitter because our son gets to see ALL of his family, and frankly, grandparents are not around forever - he needs to know them now and not just through our memories.
That doesn't really help the OP but it's what we do, and so far it is working. (*Fingers Crossed*)
I love the holidays, but dread thinking of how we are running around like crazy to please both our families. It seems like we can never just relax and enjoy spending time together because we are constantly watching the clock.
To make matters worse and add to the stress, my birthday is on Christmas Eve and I would much rather spend it with my family because they celebrate and acknowledge my birthday where his don't bc they are more interested in celebrating Xmas.
Where my family includes more people and usually involves my extended family as well, his family is small and their gatherings consist of his parents and his brother (no gf), so when we aren't there it's pretty blatant and we always get the guilt trip. However, they don't seem to be willing to compromise on times. For example, this year my family had TG Dinner at 3 and his family were planning to spend TG with friends until they decided at last minute to do themselves and of course they picked 3 as well. So when we got there they were already done.
We usually try to split Thanksgiving and spend Xmas Eve with my family and Xmas day with his. Also his family always wants New Year's Eve where my family doesn't celebrate as a huge deal so we don't see them.
I'm not sure what the compromise is yet, but something has got to give because I can already see the strings tightening when we have children! I'm pregnant now.
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
We have been share then hoildays with put side, christmas eve is 3 hour at his side and 3 hr on my side. Then home to bed and then christmas day about the some. the kids get to see everyone,i mean every one get to see the kids. christmas day we try to be done and home by 4, and then we watch the kids play, the one bad thing is that we have to share my darghter with her father, he only try to see her around the hoildays, we have her every other eve or day, but he only get her for 4 hr, but that add in to all our run,
I love our family, and I love the time we get with them we run alot but it work for us, HB dont want to change it, and there some family that you can only see for a little bite anyway lol.