Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Vent.
I am SO tired of people saying things to me like, "You are so lucky not to have to work!" or "It must be nice being a SAHM and being home all day."
Yes, because I'm sitting home all day eating bon-bons, laying on the couch and watching tv, right?!? ?I feel lucky to be with Ben, however, we made A LOT of sacrifices so that I could be home and taking care of him is the hardest (but most rewarding) job I have ever had!
Look, the grass is always greener, isn't it? ?Sometimes I think, "Oh, it would be nice to work outside of the home so I could be around adults, get a real lunch break and be able to use the bathroom without rushing."- but the thing is that I KNOW that NO moms have it easy!!! ?Moms who work outside of the home face as many challenges, just different challenges, than those who work inside the home. ?Why can't people just respect that? ?I don't know any Mom, working outside the home or not, who has a nice, easy life. ?We are all very busy women and I just wish that some people weren't so tactless sometimes.
Like my blinky says- all moms are working moms!?
End of vent. ?Thanks for listening!?
Re: Vent.
I get this too sometimes...I think that people either think a) you have a lot of money to be able to stay home or b) you don't understand how hard it is to work and take care of a baby....
I think both situations are difficult...but being a SAHM, I used to think "wow, how lucky are those moms that get to go to work a hand their kid over for someone else to deal with while they get time to work and have adult interaction and get a reprieve from their child...." but then I think of how hard it is to go to work all day and then have to continue working when you get home....really it is no different than being a SAHM, except you have less time with your child, which can be more stressful in itself, wondering how your baby is all day...
Tom and I have had to make a TON of sacrifices to have me SAH...I rarely go out and spend money on myself or gas and I always find myself buying things for Austin over myself...I agree ALL moms are working moms....
But I will say this...one benefit to being home is when the baby naps, at least SAHMs have a chance to nap too ....well, sometimes...but people shouldn't pass judgment on any mom, working or not...
I just wish SAHMs got retirement savings some how - 401K, SS, anything!
I do think that the grass is greener! For what its worth, I work outside the home and don't really get to do any of the things that you mentioned
be around adults, (mostly I work with toddlers all day)
get a real lunch break (yesterday i had a slice of ham and a slice of cheese on the run in my car)
be able to use the bathroom without rushing ( I have to use other people's bathrooms or public restrooms all day, there's no joy in that! and I am always rushing cuz I am constantly running late to my next appt)
I agree that both working and staying home has benefits. We all do what works best for our families.
My ideal situation would be to work Part time. But we just couldn't afford the health insurance if I was PT
I would get more time with Owen, but still be using the degree and certification that I worked hard for. And I really like what I do and helping toddlers communicate is very rewarding!
When I tell the moms I work with that I have a little one they usually ask if I work PT, like they expect me to, because its so terrible to work FT if you have a baby. Its kind of like commenting on the size of a pregnant lady, just don't even mention it!!
But people are probably just trying to make conversation. So I usually forgive them!
People make assumptions all the time and I really try not to get into it with them and just ignore the comment. I believe it is their own ignorance or never being in the position that makes them able to make those comments with no regard to how it might effect the person. As you said the grass is always greener. I do wish that somedays that I could be a SAHM and be with him all the time but I would go nuts plus I am good at what I do and enjoy it most days. It is hard these days b/c I am still getting used to not being home with him. But not for one minute do I think that other moms sit at home eating bon bons, although I never get a lunch either and I was so busy yesterday that I got to choose between peeing and pumping so I chose the later. lol I think being home for 3 months helped me build up the pain towards no peeing!!
ps- who really eats bon bons these days?? lol
I'm sorry I'm going to be honest and say I don't really get your complaint as I REALLY do think it would be nice to not have to work and to be able to be with my baby all day. I honestly can't see how that is an offensive comment. Are you talking just about people without kids who assume it's "easy." I have a very mellow baby and I do find it easy, fun, enjoyable to be home with her and would 100% agree with the those comments. I have a full-time, very demanding job where I work from a home office. DD goes to day care 3 days a week as I do travel/client visits often but I am home with her twice a week (while trying to work full-time) so I do understand what it's like to be home all day with a baby and would happily ditch the working full-time part and not have to deal with all those pressures. I'd have a blast.
I know a lot of people that both parents work full-time but different shifts so one is always watching the baby while the other is working. . . now that's tough!
These days, I pretty much ignore when people say things like this and chalk it up to jealousy and/or dissatisfaction with their own choices. I have no regrets about mine so no need to get upset and try to make others feel badly about their own! I have to admit, though, that I'm often jealous of the fancy cars and bigger houses that many of my working mom friends have but I don't go making generalizations about things like that because I know that they aren't true for everybody!
Do you remember that post I made a long while back another mom on my cleft board who was complaining about her boss and specifically insulted him because he made enough money so that his wife could stay home while she did not have that "luxury"? That one got to me...... I wouldn't exactly use that word to describe my life - LOL!
?I'm glad you find parenting easy and it would be a "blast" for you to stay home- you're very lucky! ?While I find parenting very enjoyable, it is also a full-time, very demanding job- at least for me anyway. ? And it really burns my a$$ when people (I'm not saying you) ?assume it isn't a real job or that there isn't pressure to go along with it or that what I'm doing is easy and fun 24 hours a ?day and all rainbows & sausages- and THAT is what makes the comments offensive (as if we were rich and I was sitting around all day doing nothing but playing). ? Not only is it a lot of work, but I don't get paid for it. ?You are entitled to your opinion, but what my initial VENT (not complaint) was is exactly the point you are missing. ? You might think it's "nice" not to have to work outside the home, but we have made a TON of sacrifices to do so. ? Among many other things, we do not own a house and put off buying one so that I could stay home with my son. ? With the salary I was making, it would barely pay for daycare anyway. ?
As I said, the grass is always greener on the other side. ? At least I have respect for moms who work outside the home though. ?I would just expect people not to say something that I, and many other SAHM's, would find offensive. ?We work hard too and we make sacrifices to do this. ?Every woman does what's best for their family and no one should assume that one woman has it easier than another. ?I don't enjoy being judged by complete strangers (that is who the initial comments made to me were from) either.
So anyway, thanks to those who allowed me to vent and understand where I am coming from.?
PS- Beth, I am going to find some damn Bon-Bon's and mail them out to you. ?; )?
I am lucky that we have arranged things so that I can stay home, but I DO work- I just don't get paid for it. ?I could say I think people are lucky to have their own home, but then I realize that there is a mortgage to go with that and most of the time both parents have to work in order to pay it.
It doesn't usually get to me, but I've had a few strangers say these things to me that I find offensive and inappropriate. ?
Don't be jealous- no mom has it easy! ? : ?)?
Very well said, my dear. ?I pink puffy heart you.?
Thanks, Katie. : )?
I think the part that bothers me is when people don't grasp that my DH and I have made significant sacrifices to keep me home with Alex (and Molly). Like, we just continue our regular financial life but I stop working. Um, no. Usually the comment is something so superficial, so surface, that it's obvious to me that they don't grasp the sacrifice (or the work involved, like mentioned above), just the immediate "you don't go to an office m-f 9-5 anymore" thing.
There are things that we go without. There are things we cannot do. There are decisions that we made prior to Alex being born that ended up saving us and ALLOWING us to have the opportunity to have me home- the biggest being that we went a LOT cheaper on our first home purchase than originally intended. There's no way we could make our mortgage and other bills if we had gone with our original budget. So, to us, that was definitely an "everything happens for a reason" thing.
Now that DH has his new job and a raise in pay, we have a bit more maneuvering room, but it's still frustrating at times.
Now, to the work aspect...I can guarantee anyone who makes a comment is either 1) not a mom yet or 2) has never been home with their kids for an extended period of time. Being a SAHM is the toughest job you will ever have, I am sure. There is no lunch break, no vacation time. You don't get an annual review with positive reinforcement or a COLA raise in pay. You can't go to HR if your boss turns into a raving lunatic when their teeth come in. There's no opportunity for advancement.
If you're lucky, you get your benefits occasionally- through a hug, a cuddle- a shoulder rub from your husband, maybe a pedicure for your anniversary (woo yeah, I can't wait for mine)... but your life ceases to become your own. In fact, it becomes another part of your job to retain your own identity after you become a mom (that part, I think, happens whether you work out of the home or you are a SAH).
Anywho, I could go on forever, but Alex isn't going to allow it. He's pulling my chair away from the comp now.
Long story short, don't let it get to you. 99% of the time it's someone who has no clue anyway. And if it's someone close to you, speak the hell up and correct them and offer them Ben for a 24 hour period if they think it's not working. That will shut them up quite quickly. I frequently try to rent Alex out. They usually run away.
I understand that people say all sorts of stupid/offensive things all the time but it seems from your vent you are reading into harmless comments and making them about something they are not.
If people are saying things like being a SAHM teaches children that a woman's role is in the home or that SAHMs are just lazy woman who don't really want to "work" than HECK YEAH that's offensive (and yes I've heard people say those things too). I've also heard a million terrible things about sending your baby to day care and it just does not bother me one bit. I've heard "Your child will be huge brat if they go to day care, Today's working parents care more about money than their children, I can't imagine sending a baby to a day care center - it's like child abuse" and on and on. You do often wonder what is wrong with some people but as said, you need to be happy with your choices and not care what others think.
That said, I stand by my comments that it IS really nice to be home with your child and it IS an incredibly enjoyable, fun way to spend your days and I do think SAHMs are lucky. Days I'm home we often go out to eat for relaxing lunches, go on nice walks, have picnics, meet up with my girlfriends (and I have plenty of time to use the bathroom). It's exactly how I pictured staying at home with a baby would be.
Also, I'm not trying to open up a huge debate but the $1000 a month we pay for day care is also a BIG sacrifice to our budget too! Having a baby/children effects ALL our budgets not just SAHMs.
I've been on both sides of the fence & yes the grass is always greener. People say stupid things about working moms & SAHMs but I don't think that most people actually mean anything offensive by them. Certainly the comments you listed don't sound offensive to me or even out of line. We are lucky to be able to stay at home, there are lots of women who would love to stay & are unable to. It is nice being a SAHM & being home w/ your child all day. That doesn't mean that it is always easy, or fun or rewarding. It doesn't mean we don't make sacrifies (we made a lot too!) or have lots of stresses or work. But, it is nice to be home w/ your baby, I don't know many people who would argue w/ that.
Unfortunately, it is one of only millions of things that people (especially women) will comment on during your lifetime of parenthood. I would really try not to let it bother you, I don't think they were intending to attack you or offend you.
I wasn't trying to start a debate here. ?It was just a PERSONAL vent, which everyone has and is entitled to, that I needed to let out. ?My point was that every Mother does what's best for her family and the choice you make for your family should be respected. ?Every one has a right to their opinion, but it doesn't make any of us right or wrong. ?Luck has nothing to do with me being home with my child- it's the choice we made and we worked hard to do so. ?I have lots of respect for Moms who work and get a paycheck, and I expect and deserve respect for what I do is well. ?That is all.
I'm not going to cry or jump off a cliff because of what people said, it was just a vent after getting the comment a few times in a row during our trip to Chicago. ?
Am I really the only Mother out there who rarely gets to eat a hot lunch or not shove her food down her throat? ?Am I really the only one who feels overwhelmed at times and doesn't get to play games all day long? ?I guess I must be doing the whole Mom thing wrong or have a really unusual child or something.?
Perhaps luck is the wrong word, maybe fortunate would be a better word. We have made many sacrifies, but I feel very fortunate to have been able to stay at home w/ Owen this year. There are many people who would not be able to stay home, no matter how many sacrifies they made. I do feel that those of us who are able to SAHM & fortunate to be able to do so.
You are certainly not the only one who feels overwhelmed at times & doesn't get to play games all day! I still have many days that I feel totally overwhelmed. And I don't know many moms (WOHM or SAHM) who get to go the bathroom in peace. You aren't doing anything wrong Jeanette!
Thanks, Mindy- that is very well put!! ?: ?)?
Trust me when I say that working out of the home does NOT guarentee this "luxury" - LOL! I can't rememebr the last time I didn't scarf down my lunch at my desk or have it go cold on me because one thing or another came up.
Overall, unless a comment comes from my DH, I've learned to ignore any and all comments made about my working and family balance. I used to let them get to me, but just thinking "Eff them!" is so much better for me - LOL!