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Crazy Tgiving MIL Drama (Long)
So if any of you out there have to deal with crazy MILs, maybe this will make you laugh. If I don't try to find humor in this situtation, she will truly drive me crazy.
OK. My H and I just moved about a month ago to IL and decided we would have his mother and brother over for Thanksgiving. I super cleaned the whole house, had the guest bedroom ready, and bought some of their favorite snack foods and breakfast foods. Asked if there was anything special they would like for Tgiving dinner, etc. I even bought her a card and flowers for her birthday which was 2 days earlier as a kind gesture. Point is: I tried reeeeeally hard, even though I know she would ruin things.
Because this could become a very long post, I will list the crazy things his MIL did to drive me insane while she was here.
1. Absolutely refused to stay in the guest bedroom, saying "No, no. I'd rather just sleep on the couch." Whatever.
2. Gets up at 5am, decides to "help" by clanging dishes around for like 30 freaking minutes as she unloads the dishwasher.
3. Brought "gifts" I never asked for nor wanted her to buy, and turns extremely passive aggressive. After I thank her, she says, "Do you want this? Because if you don't want this I'll just take it back with me," with a look that says "You can't win."
4. When my H goes to pick up his brother from the airport, she launches into an hour long weepy one sided non stop conversation about all the details of how her husband left her and betrayed her (five years ago). Really gets you into the Thanksgiving spirit.
5. As I'm cooking in the kitchen, she is downstairs and I suddenly hear the vaccuum. Made my blood boil. There was nothing to vaccuum. I had just did it the day before.
6. BEST ONE: On Tgiving morning, my H and I are still sleeping around 8, planning to get up around 9. She literally swings our door wide open without knocking and storms off downstairs to bang more stuff around. I ignore her while seething inside, pulling the blanket over my head. Ten minutes later she yells, "If you two don't get up, I'm going to crawl into bed with you!" What adult thinks this is OK???
7. Only had negative comments the whole time she was here. Things I should change about our place, how I should do things, etc. As I'm cooking the stuffing, she says things like, "Why didn't you just buy that from the store? Store bought is always better." When she's never tasted my food.
Sorry that was soooo long, but does anyone else have to deal with crazy, insanely difficult and impossible to please MILs? I'm sure I'm not the only one, and hearing other peoples stories will make me feel better. Any advice on how to handle this in the future? Because right now, I feel like I can't win, so I just try to deal the best I can.
Re: Crazy Tgiving MIL Drama (Long)
Next time MIL comes to visit, lock your bedroom door at night. ?Problem solved.
The rest of what you mentioned doesn't sound that bad. ?Annoying? ?Sure. ?But it honestly sounds like she was just trying to help out, and I think you're reading too much into many of her actions. ?Don't let some awkward or tense moments with your MIL in the past make you read malicious intent into every single thing she does. ?So she wanted to help out her host by cleaning up a little, by vacuuming and helping to clean up the kitchen. ?And you get mad at her? ?Come on. ?It sounds like she's just naturally an early riser and probably felt awkward in your home with nothing to do while you and your DH slept in. ?And what's so wrong with her wanting to bring her DIL a hostess gift? ?Yes, maybe it was a little weird of her to sleep on the couch instead of the guest bedroom, but like you said, as long as it didn't inconvenience you or DH, who cares? ?You said your DH's brother was staying there too - was she just trying to give him the guest room?
If she makes comments about your home or your cooking, just say "Thank you for your suggestions, but I (we) prefer to do it this way" and leave it at that.
I have to ask- what about your DH? What does he do about any of this/ what is his reaction? does he not care and/or just ignores it, or does he ever say (for example):
"Mom, why did you give us these gifts if you're just going to ask us if you should take them back?"
or
"Mom, please, I appreciate your wanting to help, but please don't start unloading our dishwasher at 5 am."
or
"Mom, we like to sleep in. We'll be down in an hour. Please, sit down, relax, and we'll see you shortly.".
or
"Mom! Really? (about the stuffing). I think augrl is a great cook and really- I can't believe you just said that!".
I would think that if he were to push back on her some, a lot of these little jabs would end.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Sounds like she has worn out her welcome.
Next year she stays in a hotel (that she pays for) or you don't offer to have her come visit.
Your H would need to tell her this, of course, since it is his mother not yours.
Just wanted to clarify a couple of things...
I did lock it the night before, but didn't think about it that particular night. And, really, I would expect any adult to know better than to fling open a bedroom door, knowing someone is inside, without even knocking. Especially as a guest in someone else's house.
About the gift: I wasn't upset with her for bringing us something, and I would have thought it was a nice gesture. The upsetting thing is the way she uses it as a weapon. She brings things, then acts offended and basically creates a confrontation over it. Saying, if you don't want it, I'll take it back. She's done it before, and honestly I'd rather her not bring a thing.
Anyway, I know it could be worse. Just wanted to vent a little. I'm sure you're right about some of it, like the cleaning. She's just a very difficult person to deal with for 3 days in a row in close quarters, that's all.
Honestly, this post stems from a long history of issues with his mother. I love my husband. We've been together for 5 years and have been married 2 months. Yes, I knew his mother was crazy before we got married. But I wasn't going to leave him for it. All I can do is try to figure out how I can handle our time spent together the best.
When issues come up, my H just says, "That's just the way she is." I've asked him to say something to her, but he says he has and that she doesn't change. She is a totally miserable person since the divorce, but he says she has always been extremely negative. He loves her because she is his mother, but he knows she treats me unfairly. He just doesn't believe anything will stop it...So it puts me in a difficult situation. I am just glad that she lives out of state so we only see her maybe twice a year. It's about all I can handle...
He loves her because she is his mother, but he knows she treats me unfairly. He just doesn't believe anything will stop it...
And he'll never know unless he tries - which he isn't willing to do. So he puts his moms feelings before yours over and over and over.
seriously- I'd be putting my foot down w/ him. He doesnt' have to be mean to his mother, but he does need to stand up for you and for the rules in your home.
It doesn't have to be over everything, but the important stuff - he needs to get a backbone and say "this isn't o.k., mom". I mean- to come into your home and criticize your cooking? He really thinks this is o.k. and should be allowed because "this is how she is"?
Uh, how about the term "enabler". part of the reason she's like this is because no one says "boo" to her so she thinks it's o.k.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thanks for the advice. It's a conversation we've had before, but I'm going to sit down with DH tonight to talk about how to handle things in the future. I also believe that the longer she gets away with this, the worse it will be. And now that we're married, I really shouldn't have to put up with her behavior. He needs to put us first. I would rather him say something to her over and over again than not say anything at all. I would say something myself, but I really believe it needs to come from him.
EastCoast: The comments you gave were so simple and straight forward to put an end to the jabs. I will probably give those to him so that he can see how easy it is to just stand up to her and put an end to this. Thanks!
I have to agree with PP.
I have a difficult MIL too. Many of the things you posted sound very familiar.
Most of what my MIL does/says is just plain annoying, but really harmless, so I let it go. I've learned to set boundaries and although it has taken time DH is on board and backs me when MIL crosses the line. When my MIL starts to try and rearrange my furniture, or change things in my kitchen, or criticize our lifestyle that is when I talk to her and tell her it is not okay.
My best advice would be to let the little things go. Know your boundaries and calmly rationally talk to MIL when she over steps those boundaries. Tell her how you feel. Talk to DH and get him on board and tell him what you need from him when these situations arise.
I don't know your situation but for us DH is the first one of her kids to get married. Our marriage is also an adjustment for her as well. She was used to taking care of DH for so long that it has been hard for her to let go. Without allowing MIL to intrude on your life, try to be sensitive to her new role in your marriage as well.
Best of luck!
Point out to him that while SHE may not stop making comments if he speaks up and takes your side, it will make YOU feel better knowing that he has your back. He doesn't have to get ugly and confrontational about it, but gently letting her know when she's out of line shows that he's supporting YOU. Otherwise, his silence is telling her that he is okay with how she treats his wife, and that's not good.
Also, pick your battles. I'd have something to say about the flinging open of the bedroom door and the passive-aggressive gift-giving, but I don't know if I'd waste my energy on her vacuuming after I'd done it the previous day. If you get annoyed about everything she does, it's easier for your DH to tune you out when you complain about something, because all he's hearing is "Your mom can't do anything right!"
First let me say that I really, truly do feel for you. Your MIL sounds a lot like mine, and although it drives me nuts that she lives in the same town, I am SO grateful that she does...so she will never ever EVER have to stay overnight at our house. I cannot fathom 3 entire days/nights with this woman.
I used to absolutely loathe her - she drove me completely insane. But then, when I realized that she just wants attention because she gets none, I understood a little more.
My MIL is also divorced - has been for about 11 years. She's not "empowered" about it at all, and desperately wants a relationship like M and I have. She lived with M for 2 years before we got married and she had to move out. And you have to admit it - getting married changes things a lot, whether you think it does or not. Instead of M being the only one who is bothered by the 2am phone calls, now I am too, and those had to come to a stop. Instead of M and her sitting around watching TV all night a few times a week, she now sits by herself all day long. And ya know what - she sees me as a threat. I'm certainly a good cook, I keep my home pretty well cleaned up, and I take care of M in the ways she used to when he was a kid (and then some lol). She has gone from being a provider for her child to being a burden to him, and she realizes this and it's hard on her.
So yes, when she jumps at the opportunity to prove that she's the bigger/better woman, it drives me nuts. But I let her step in to "fix" the gravy or fluff the pillows or what not. And I always gush over her cooking when she makes a dessert or has us over for supper. Not because I think it's necessarily her place, or because it's SOOOOOOO much more fantastic than anything I've ever had before, but because it's those little things that make her feel important in her son's life. And she needs that.
Believe me - I know where you're coming from. I know it's tough. I know it drives you nuts, and yes - those passive aggressive moves need to stop. But I think trying to understand where she's coming from might help you change your opinion at least a little bit. That doesn't, however, mean that YH has a free pass that he doesn't have to set her straight, because he does. But I just want to encourage you to try to see her in a different light - not as competition, but as a lonely person who desperately wants to have someone need her.
But by all means - you and YH need to be on the same page.
My mother is a very negative person, but a lot of it stems from her lack of self-esteem.
The comment about store bought items? My mother would have said the same thing too, but she's not saying it because she thinks I'm a bad cook. She has this perspective because she doesn't enjoy cooking and figures it's "easier" to buy store bought and it tastes just as good with much less effort. I merely respond with "I enjoy making it or doing it from scratch." I don't make it a big discussion.
In terms of your husband's ability to tune it out. To some extent, I agree with him. I feel like I have to "pick my battles" with my mother and that when I do comment, I don't think it resonates either.
But, and I think this is the important point, it helps me to cope with my mother when I do respond. I find it very difficult to sit there and listen to this ongoing, repeating loop of negativity. When I do respond to her, it helps me cope with her. And while it probably doesn't "change" her in any drastic way, maybe there's a ripple effect. It slows down her complaining, maybe it gives her a little insight to how I feel and perceive things. Every once in a while my mother will say, "Oh, I never thought about it that way."
So maybe it's time you speak directly to your MIL. It doesn't have to be a number of huge confrontations, but you can respond to her at various moments.
What's with the gift thing? When she says she'll take it back, I'd probably say to her, "Wy? I really like it, but do you need it?" And she what she has to say. My mother always, always says something about how it can be returned if I don't like it, doesn't fit or is the wrong color. But again, it's based on her lack of self esteem. She truly believes she can't do anything "right" and alway has doubts about the gifts she gives us. It's annoying, but I try to get past that with notching up my appreciation a bit more. Does your MIL she say it because she doesn't want to spend the money to give you something? Or is she, too, doubting herself?
I have a very similar MIL - and went through most of the same stuff you have mentioned. I sat down my DH and said that if he wasn't going to say something I was. I will not be treated disrespectfully in my own home and he shouldn't allow it either. When I had finally told him I was going to say something if/when he didn't, he really stepped up. She ended up not talking to us for awhile, but in the end it was worth it because she is a very different person to us now. She is actually nice and respectful.
Good luck!