June 2009 Weddings
Lucy Elizabeth 10.27.12
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Cheating and Divorce
Obviously cheating and divorce are sad and horrible. But I've noticed that ever since getting married, I am decidedly more outraged and depressed at hearing about couples whose marriage have crumbled. (I first noticed this on our mini-moon and finding out about the J&K divorce.)
Perhaps because before marriage, divorce can't technically be an option, and now it's much more ... real? As newlyweds we kind of want to be all shiny and happy and think marriage is all puppies and cupcakes, and then we get smacked down with the reality of life.
Has anyone else noticed this?
Lucy Elizabeth 10.27.12
Re: Cheating and Divorce
The only difference I've noticed personally is that I'm much more blunt when talking to DH about the subjects. We're apart a lot, so the trust is very important. We'd be in a world of hurt if that trust ever got broken.
I think I got the puppies and cupcakes illusions out of my head watching two of my dear friends go through their respective divorces. It was heartwrenching to watch and not be able to take their pain away. Definitely had no illusions of rainbows and sunshine coming into marriage because of seeing that go down.
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Lucy Elizabeth 10.27.12
Well for starters cheating = divorces for me 100%. I don't care if there are kids involved, yadda yadda.
Divorce was something that we talked about before getting married. I think that we both are pretty realistic. I have lots of friends getting divorced (sad b/c I'm only 26) b/c they thought the other would change. I don't understand why people think putting a ring on a person's finger will automatically make them change. If you don't like the behavior to begin with...don't get married. period.
I don't think we ever really had the puppies and rainbows expectations. Each of his parents are on their 3rd marriage, we've watched our best friends each get divorced, and DH has been married once before. We also lived together for a year and a half before the wedding too so that novelty was long gone.
I guess after watching our parents fight so much over the years, we just new it would be hard but we want better and are willing to work for it.
^This 100%. This is why I am such an advocate for living together before marriage. So many people believe that once they're married and living together that behaviours change. Unfortunately they don't. If you don't like something about someone while you're dating it isn't going to change once you're married. I think living together pretty much brings out all your bad habits in the open before you tie the knot.
At for cheating, it happens to a lot of people. I think if you need to cheat there's something missing in your relationship and would like to know first if my partner was tempted so we could work on whatever was wrong. I rather him be honest with me than go behind my back and me find out later.
Shag I couldn't agree with you more on living together before getting married.
Ditto on all of this. I think the expectation of change is probably the top cause of divorce for young people. Marriage doesnt fix problems but I dont think a lot of people get that.
Since our wedding, 2 of DH's cousins have announced they are getting a divorce, one is 26 and on her 2nd marriage and 2nd child, she got pregnant the 2nd time to keep the guy and hoped that he would grow up when they subsequently got married, 3 months after the baby was born, they were living in separate bedrooms in their apartment but had to wait another 6 months to get a divorce because they couldnt afford it since they were both unemployed.
The other cousin's wife found emails detailing a relationship with one of the cousin's former coworkers. Turns out he had been having an affair for 8 months. They tried therapy but gave up after about 3 months. He claims the only reason he ever married her was because his mom died right after they broke up the first time and so they got back together and it was a bad point in his life. Their marriage lasted a little less than 3 years.
I think people give up too easily. Marriage takes work and divorce is an easy answer for a lot of people.
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This. I don't believe divorce is an easy choice to make, but the fact that it's an option may make some people think it's there to be used. Both DH's and my parents have been married 35+ years and that was what we both wanted for ourselves. That is why we waited until our late 20's to decide to get married and came into the deal with relatively level heads. We each know the other isn't perfect but our arguing styles are respectful and about solving the problem with minimum hurt. Overall, we agree more than we disagree and I look forward to getting old with him, which I never experienced with any other boyfriend. It added up to marriage to me and I am willing to put in the work to make sure it doesn't end in divorce.
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I never thought divorce was something that was going to be in my life until several months ago. Yes, I know people who have been divorced, including family members, but it was never super close to me until my parents started to have problems. I mean, my parents have been married for 25 years, B's parents have been married for 27, and divorces just weren't prevalent in our lives.
And then the shiit hit the fan and now my parents are donezo, and it's completely changed my outlook on life, divorce, etc. I never imagined that five months after my wedding, I'd be seeing a marriage crumble. It's destroyed my past ideas that if you work hard enough at something, it'll be OK. Because especially with my parents, it's not OK. And I can't stand my dad anymore, and it's wrecked me seeing my mom have to deal with what she's going through, and in some ways, it's made me completely different.
Because although I've been with Brendan for (almost) 7 years, I know that things can change. And that absolutely sucks and I never imagined that I would be Sara, daughter of divorced parents. When people have been together for a quarter of a century, they're supposed to be together forever. And my parents aren't.
B... I don't think B knows what to say to me anymore about it. Because he's so angry at my dad for being the douche he is, and he doesn't know how to console me, given that his parents are still together and happy and the perfect family. And I'm embarrassed to say it, but I'm so jealous of the fact that he doesn't have to know the pain of this, and the anguish, and know that looking back on his past, at family memories, he won't be haunted by knowing that that family is no more.
Granted, cheating wasn't really a part of why my parents are done, but it sucks regardless.
Has your dad always been a turd or is this a newer thing? I think you are very lucky to have B.
Mofe, Dear Dad has always been kind of a dickweasel, but since his business failed (thank you economy) he's turned into a complete assmunch.
And B is the saving grace of my entire life. I luff him
Lucy Elizabeth 10.27.12
This is probably true, Mames. Maybe even worse given that B and I are newlyweds and in our pre-marital counseling discussed divorce. At the time we kind of scoffed, because of how our homes were. Both of our parents had been dating since they were 15/16 (so had we), both sets had gotten married young (so did we), and the parallels were very clear. It wasn't until I saw my parents collapse that I actually realized that yes, things can change in a marriage long after the newlywed stage that can destroy a relationship. Before it just seemed like only people I didn't really know ended their marriages - now that it's up close and personal.... It's harsh. And it's made B's and my marriage very different, now knowing the realities of divorce.
Being a kid and not understanding why daddy isn't coming home can be a double edged sword (not understanding why and being sad, but growing up with it being OK). Being an adult and knowing why daddy isn't coming home and how big of a twatwaffle he is, is completely different.
I think the other thing that is hard about parents getting divorced when you're older is exactly what you said Walt. You look back at memories and are hurt that things have changed. When it happens when you're a kid, it's just your reality and that's that. (Not that it's easy when you're a kid, it just doesn't have that other element as well.)
I think that I am more bothered about people getting divorced now than I was. At the same time, I think people do often get married because it's the next stage or you're supposed to or they want to have a wedding and aren't so level-headed and realistic about things.
Also, while I agree with the concept of not rushing into marriage and trying to see the person for who they are without hoping they'll change or trying to change them, I don't think living together is the only way to achieve that. I think the things I've learned about C since moving in with him are not deal breakers. I'm not going to leave him because he leaves wrappers on the kitchen counter. I don't think marriages end over quirks.
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I also think when you're a kid and your parents get divorced, they let you be a kid about it (or rather, they should). My best friend's mother found out her husband was cheating on her and they separated about 7 years ago (eventually they got back together and both seem very happy) and my friend got to hear EVERY. GORY. DETAIL of the cheating. We were in our early twenties at the time. Her mom needed her to be a friend and not a daughter so she was telling her all these things a child does not need to hear about their parents and their sex life, etc.
My parents have always treated me like a child (I mean that in the best way possible). They pay when we go out to dinner. They take care of me when I'm sick. They don't discuss parental issues with me. I am never in the parent role and I feel very fortunate for that.
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