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Probably reacting too early...but how to handle?
My DH and I are traveling to visit his family this Christmas but were very lucky to be able to get a free hotel stay (with points) and a cheap rental car (DH works for Enterprise); we only had to pay for airfare (approx. $400). Although we lucked out on the traveling costs, we decided to create a strict budget for presents as we have to buy for 26 people. When we first started our budget, I wasn't aware that we needed to buy for 2 more of DH's cousins or that each of us were in a secret santa grouping where we are required to spend $100 on the gift (so $200 total). So to try and cut costs we decided to do 'couples" gifts for our grandparents and to include a picture of us with them at our wedding which would be inexpensive and personal; so we were thinking the picture, bottle of wine and an ornament - no more then $40 per couple. Well, I just found out today that the adults in DH's family pitch in for a large gift for the grandparents (only 1 set) and usually the money goes to a large trip or something...so I know I'm probably begining to react early but I'm expecting that we are inclined to give at least $75 to $100 which is much more then we budgetted and also, I feel weird giving such a large gift to one set of grandparents while seemingly giving the other grandparents (which are mine) a small gift.
So..my question is...if it is a set amount of $75 or $100 per couple for this gift...is it rude to opt out? Is it rude to sugges that we donate a less amount, say the $40 we budgetted? Basically..what is rude and what isn't. I personally don't feel comfortable giving so much more money then we are spending on the other grandparents and also going so much out of our budgeted limit. Am I being selfish?
Thanks.
Re: Probably reacting too early...but how to handle?
I just wanted to let you know I feel you...
We both have huge families... This year we are drawing names with a $50 limit for his side... And then they decided that we would still buy for all of the kids... and that we'd also do a white elephant tree, too. Thanks. That only ended up cutting like 4 gifts, and we ended up spending the same amount when it was all said and done. Gr.
My side of the family still buys for everyone, but we are drawing names next year... It stinks because I know that my sister and her family spent $40 on DH alone, and we just aren't able to do that for everyone financially. I'm looking forward to the draw next year.
Good luck. I totally understand what a pinch you are in. Especially if you are like us and trying not to put anything on a CC!
Maybe suggest drawing names next year?
We are drawing names this year for DH's side and we have a $30 limit per person (because I explained we are broke and have our first mortgage due Jan 1st) I hate gift giving for the adults because people expect too much and we all are going through our own financial stuff right now and I just dont see the need.
We are not spending money this year on gifts, but are making our own. Bath salts, spice mixes, chai tea mix, infused oils, ect... I would much rather give a gift that shows I care about a person instead of a "I want this" type of gift...
I think that it is more than ok to opt out or to simply give what you can afford towards the large gift. Just my opinion.
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Your post makes me feel so much better! DH and I set a budget early on. I have two sisters, he has three siblings. Knowing that combined w/ the nieces and nephews and grandparents this could quickly get out of control, we said "No more than $40/couple."
My sisters are splitting golf lessons for my dad. They're both contributing $100. I offered to put in $20, or do my own thing--same to me either way. I think this is a totally acceptable way to handle it.
Your family can't tell you how much to spend. Plus, I think it is fair to spend (or want to spend) the same amount on each set of grandparents. DH's siblings to small gifts for each other (like a paperback book they know the others would enjoy), while traditionally my sisters and I have spent upwards of $75 on each other. This year, now that we are married, I was clear that I would have to change my shopping habbits. I think it is much less about the money that you spend and more about the thought and sincerity of the gift that you give. (and, imho, a bottle of wine and framed wedding pic is a very thoughtful gift.)
So, 26 people all buy for one another, and then you ALSO do a secret santa thing? That's seems silly, to be honest.
Basically as others have said- you all need to figure out what works for the two of you. And if you can only afford to give $40, then say that and offer to just do your own thing if people have a problem w/ it.
And for next year, figure out NOW what you all want to do. Do you want to give to 26 people? Do you also want to do the secret santa? Etc? Figure this stuff out now and let people know well in advance what you will or won't be taking part in.
And yes- you will probably be pressured to participate, people may still give you all gifts. But if this is too much, you need to stand strong and say "We can't participate".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Also want to add- while I get where you're coming from about the grandparents, at the same time, dont' focus on that. Focus on what you all can afford adn want to do.
When it comes down to it, they may all be 'grandparents', but they are all still individuals. you should be getting them gifts based on what you want to give to them, based on your relationship w/ them. Not based on them being "grandparents".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
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Girl...all I have to say is that I hope someone suggests drawing names for the coming years for your family holidays and reevaluating the $100 SS budget. I know how expensive the last few years were for us when we were buying gifts for 6 siblings, 2 sets of parents, and gparents. I can't even imagine the financial challenges that 26 people would bring! Maybe I'm completely off here...I imagine there has to be someone else in the family that feels overwhelmed by it, too. After presents, you add on the travel expenses...that's got to do some serious damage to your checking account when all said and done.
You only have to do what you are comfortable doing and people need to respect that. If they don't...well...lumps of coal are cheap...just be sure and keep the receipt for their gift.