June 2009 Weddings
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Snooping
So TIP is filled with questions about snooping - what do you think?
Is it ever ok to snoop on your spouse?
Is it different when it comes to other people?
Have you ever been caught snooping?
Have you ever caught someone because of snooping?
Re: Snooping
I think there are two reasons to snoop, because you're nosy, or because you're suspicious. When your gut is telling you something wrong, I don't think it's necessarily bad to snoop to some degree. If you suspect your s/o of cheating and outright ask them, what are the chances they'll be honest (or that you'll believe them). Yes, if you get to this point, you clearly have trust issues and the relationship is likely damaged, but confirmation of fears may be necessary to be able to cut your losses. Also, you take the chance of scaring yourself needlessly by taking something out of context, so that's the risk a snooper takes. (And yes, I have caught someone by snooping and learned I don't need to snoop because I can trust my gut.)
Snooping for curiosity's sake though is a big no-no. One of my friends (who I'd love to "break up" with but can't because her FI is one of DH's best friends and she was a BM in our wedding) is a huge snooper. She doesn't suspect her FI of anything. She's just nosy and a control freak. He can't ever plan surprises for her because she goes through his email, phone, mail, etc. She knew about her surprise birthday party, when he bought her the ring, etc. I honestly don't understand how he's ok with this.
And no, I don't think snooping on other people is any different than doing it with your s/o.
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To answer some of my own questions, I think it can be a neccessary evil. It's rarely ever the best way to get info but if the person won't discuss it and you are suspicious, snooping may be what it takes to get your answer.
I have snooped but it wasn't as much on DH as one of his fb friends. It is a girl he knew in college and she loves to "poke" people. This can be very innocent or very inappropriate depending on the action you choose. She was sending him the inappropriate ones and labeling them as sent from "private". (If you click on it though, it gives you the option to respond and lists their name) Why would a married woman send an engaged guy you haven't talked to in years "I want to shower with you" and "I want to snuggle with you" messages on a daily basis? He rarely responded and if he did it was with a "poke" or throwing objects at her so I knew it was one sided but had to check her out. I got home from work one day and he was gone but still logged in so I checked out her profile. Final decision is she's just odd.
But I generally don't see a reason to snoop on people other than your s/o. I just can't think of a case where it would be justified.
I could care less who my H calls or who calls him or where he goes etc...I have complete faith and trust in him. (a nice feeling!) I do absolutely NO snooping on him.
Now my exes on the other hand--that was a different story. My H calls me Columbo for my snooping prowess
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I dont snoop on DH, I have no reason to. I trust him 100%. That being said, I found my e-ring and the check for it before he proposed (by accident, I was stealing a tshirt out of his armoire and saw it, he knows I knew it was coming, but he has no idea that I saw the check and I have no intention of telling him because why bother).
I pretty much know everything because we often use each others phones if one is more convenient than the other. I would never pick up his phone to deliberately go through his call log or text messages but half the time I see them because I go to his call log to call his mom back or whatever. He does the same thing with mine but there is no secretiveness to it.
I also open his mail on a regular basis because he would leave it stacked on the counter for weeks if I didnt before he got around to opening it. On the same note, he shreds everything so he sees all of mine too. I also have the password to pretty much every single banking/email/etc account that he has because I keep track of our finances and half the time hes not at his computer at work so he'll call and ask me to log in to something and check something. That being said, I wouldnt just log in to check his email randomly, unless I knew he was expecting something and couldnt check himself. I consider none of these things snooping but we dont really have any secrets from each other.
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I tell B when I'm snooping on him. I'm generally not actually snooping, but like when I open his sock drawer, I'll yell out, "hope this isn't where you're keeping the dirty Amazon woman porn!", or "I better not find a used condom in here!" He laughs.
Better yet, I stalk people via his FB. Kid never looks at his messages, so I'll go on and delete them or tell him when something important is in there. I've only ever found a message from his ex-gf, from when he first got a FB, and she was being all flirty and he told me about it.
I have nothing to worry about, the kid is a saint. He looks at my mail, I check out his. He hates texting. His e-mail is full off work related crap and requests to buy concert tickets and highlights and scores from sports games. No issues.
We've definitely moved past the snooping stage. I had quite a few trust issues coming into this relationship and I've worked too hard to revert to past behavior. It just isn't worth it to me. I am a firm believer that the only actions you can control are your own, and I like having a relatively clean conscience. If I don't trust my significant other enough to not snoop, there are clearly bigger issues at hand.
That being said, I think in certain situations snooping is necessary. If you have a friend who had issues with drugs in the past and you see them exhibiting similiar behaviors, I don't think it is harmful to pry and/or snoop into what is happening in their life. You are not snooping to gain information for yourself, rather to help a friend in need. For example, I caught my mum snooping on me in high school. At the time, I was struggling with an eating and borderline obsessive compulsive disorder. I obviously got very upset and felt that my privacy was breached. However, looking back now, I know that my mum was just worried about me and I was not being truthful with her. And she was right to snoop.
I have a total double standard when it comes to presents. I think it is unbelievably acceptable to peek...
I survived the RoLex wedding and all I got was this lousy husband.
One&Only Palmilla - Los Cabos, Mexico
personally i've never had to snoop, bc i've never been suspicious of DH, and if i am curious about something (which is all the time), i just ask. we are insanely open with eachother about pretty much every aspect of our lives.