Austin Nesties
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
clicky poll! on a similar note, divorce
A few weeks ago, Joy (on the view) said that if divorce wasn't allowed, nobody would get married. What do you think?
[Poll]
[Poll]
Re: clicky poll! on a similar note, divorce
Of course I don't think we'll ever get divorced. But, I always wonder about the people who do divorce. I mean, theorhetically they loved and cared for each other just as much as my DH and I did when we got married. So, what happened to them and how do I know it won't happen to us?
What about women who get blindsighted by the "perfect man" who develops a drinking problem 10 years into their marraige and starts beating her? What about the wife who cheats on her husband while he is off fighting a war?
I could never, ever think of a reason why we'd get divorced, and I'd fight like hell to save my marriage. We work on our marriage every day to make sure that we stay close and connected. That said, people are people, and I doubt that anyone really goes into the marriage thinking that they might get divorced some day. I haven't figured out how or why it happens. How do you go from "I want to spend the rest of my life and have a family with this person who I cannot stand to live without" to "Wow... that was a mistake"?
I think people would still get married and then just seperate if they didn't want to be married anymore.
I went into my marriage not even considering divorce as an option at some point. I come from a divorced family so in my mind- it wasn't an option- I was not going down that road, no way, no how. Things happened and here I am- divorced at 30. Last year was the hardest in my life and I still get curve balls here and there. At the end of the day- I begged and would have given anything and worked to no end- but at that time I was the only one fighting- he had mistakenly thrown in that towel not realizing he would want it all back. I never thought I would be here and might have even said so a few times....but I am.
How did I vote? Yep- I voted that I would have still married b/c I thought I was going to grow old with him.
this
I think the premise of what Joy from the View said is ridiculous and offensive, but I'll throw in my $.02 anyway.
I never once thought I would get divorced. Before I even met my XH, I thought that once I married, I would stay with my husband no matter what--because I would choose someone who felt the same way.
So, when I met him, and we dated for six years before getting engaged, I believed that he was the person I would be with for the rest of my life. I had no illusions about marriage being easy, or some sort of game of "playing house." Our (mine and his) religion tells us that when we make a promise in front of God, our families, and friends, we keep that promise. We do whatever it takes.
Except that eventually, XH couldn't/wouldn't fulfill his end of the bargain. Regardless of legality of divorce (or the teachings of our church), we could no longer be married. People who get divorced aren't just people who didn't try hard enough or didn't take it seriously or saw divorce as an "easy out."
Rarely Updated Blog
divorce wasn't legal in ireland (the republic of) until 1995. i lived over there in 1996, and people were getting divorced all over the place. on the other side of the coin, people who had been living together but not married were getting married. so more divorces -- obviously -- but more people deciding to get married, too, since divorce was now legal.
my land lady, for example, had been separated from her husband for years. she had a boyfriend and even had a 9 month old baby with him. he didn't live in the house, but they had been together for around 2 years. the land lady was waiting for her divorce to go through since it was legal to do so. i hope she didn't marry that boyfriend, though. he was abusive.
i can't speak for everyone but i don't think anyone has made the argument that divorce is an easy way out. divorce is hard on everyone involved. i think the argument is that the possibility of divorce is a safety. the future is unpredictable, and if you're in a situation where your spouse hasn't kept-up their end of the bargain (be that they've become abusive, etc), it's good that we have a legal way to escape. in countries where divorce isn't allowed, we'd be forced to stay in a bad situation. divorce is a legally-protected, safe way out. i took joy's remark to be that if people didn't have a safe escape route, they would be less likely to enter the life-long, unpredictable commitment. maybe?
I think the women on the View run their mouths a lot without thinking about what they are saying ...
To say no one would ever get married is ridiculous. How many 18 year olds run off and get married? Most (not all) of those marriages don't make it. They are being told by everyone it's a "huge mistake" and blah blah blah ... but they still get married. Love is blind. I would like to say, "No one goes into a marriage thinking they'll get divorced" and for the most part I feel that way, but again ... you don't want to put a blanket over everyone assuming they'll all fit under it.
Some people would be less likely to get married.
Some people would be more likely.
Some people it wouldn't affect.
Different folks, different strokes.
I voted I would be less likely, though. Even the Bible allows divorces for certain reasons. I'm not as versed in the Bible as I should be for making this argument, but to say that legally you HAVE to be bound to this person no matter what for the rest of your life .... that's scary. I love my husband to death and I don't ever think he's going to turn into a murderous, wife beating, alcoholic. However ... those people exist in the world and unfortunately sometimes they are married. How awful would it be to be "stuck" married to someone who you did not know the truth about?
Nor a I saying your husband being a murderous wife beater is the only reason for divorce. This is a free country, and issues like this can only be considered on an individual basis. You don't fully understand something unless you are there, evaluating it. It's your life and your marriage to do with as you please. Things are illigal because they are dangerous ... rape, murder, speeding, theft ... all harm uninvolved innocent people.
So in other words ... if divorce were against the law, yes, it would give me (as an adult who got married after a 5 year relationship) a serious pause.
I was with my xH for almost 7 years and married just under 4. I went in knowing how hard marriage was and being a child of divorce wanting to make it work no matter what.
Until you are truly miserable beyond miserable you have no idea how bad a marriage can be. He started cheating a few years into our marriage and I might have been able to deal with that but the emotional abuse was not worth it. He changed me to be a different person. I was an emotional wreck. He told me every day how miserable he was with me, how I didn't cook well, how my cleaning was terrible. Every day was miserable. He'd drink to much and then come home and want to BD. I wasn't his wife I was somebody there. Some times I'd even find him passed out in his car in the garage....not fun since he drove home.
His parents even said he was a jerk and I didn't deserve him. It took me a long time to get over him and we are friends now. A lot of that was age but some of that was just him. Even with DH I'm glad I have that option but I know how good I have it compared to before. They are 180 degrees different.
Knowing how things turned out I am glad that I was able to divorce because nobody should ever live like that. I met and married DH but I would still divorce him if he didn't treat me right too. No child should see their parents miserable.
What do you mean "can't divorce"? As in, never able to legally separate from your spouse, regardless of the circumstances? If that was the case, then I wouldn't get married.
If there was an out for abuse, addiction, or abandonment, then I would still get married even if a couple "couldn't divorce."
Our Blog