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:: vent ::
I know I'm so PMSing, but OMG am I annoyed! The first thing I told DH when we discussed dinner last night was that I didn't want to cook... I wasn't feeling well. So, the condition of not ordering in was that I'd "cook" the soup (just place in oven) and he'd bbq he chicken outside... not cleaning inside.
We both end up falling asleep, and I woke up first and realized we needed to have dinner ASAP. I tried waking him up, but to no avail. I said F-it and just cooked the chicken inside. DH apologized for not being awake to cook them... fine.
When we finished dinner, I asked him if he cook take care of the dishes (which he NEVER does), and he agreed. I woke up this AM full a kitchen full of dirty pots and dishes everywhere... jsut like I left them when I walked out of the kitchen.
And the coffeemaker was left on (which happens quite often) and he knows I hate that! One day the man is going to burn down the house.
Normally I just take care of the kitchen work, but lately I'm getting so tired. Plus the house is always upside down b/c of his constant mess! I so want to leave it all like that so he can do it himself, but the cleaning lady is coming tom, so he's off the hook. GGRR
How do you make DH help around the house?
"If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane" -- Jimmy Buffett
Re: :: vent ::
I complain to his mother and sister and they yell at him
Mission accomplished.
Or I use the pregnant card. I try not to use it to often though. Maybe once a week.
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I feel you. This is a constant struggle for us sometimes. My DH is neat for the most part, but neat in the wrong ways. For example, he will stack a weeks worth of newspapers on the kitchen counter (same spot every week so its neat but ughhh I hate having a stack of newspapers on the counter).
I would talk to him about it. Divy up splitting up the chores. Most of the time, I cook and Dh picks up (which means picking up the dishes and putting everything in the dishwasher lol). We try to split it up as much as we can. Sometimes because of our work schedules I do get stuck doing more of the work.
Oh girly, that's so frustrating, I feel ya. I think you need a girl's weekend or something fun so you can unwind. Obviously having to clean up all of this mess is making you tired and irritable, which will eventually lead to the two of you arguing about other things. I think you should talk to DH, don't let this build up, because you will explode, and from what I've learned about husbands, most of the time they are clueless...literally. So, just tell him that you're feeling really worn down lately, work is crazy, and you need him to help you out, because you're a team.
From now on, when you're cleaning the kitchen, cooking, or working on another chore, ask him to help you. For the most part, DH is really good with cleaning up after himself and doing stuff around the house, but he has his moments of leaving stuff everywhere. In all honesty, so do I! So, we just clean it up together. It makes it seem like less work and you end up sort of bonding a bit. Eventually DH will get so used to doing these things that he'll start doing it himself.
I hope that helps. My mom once advised me that men are like children in the sense that you have to sort of watch them and figure out what method will work. At first I tried blatantly telling DH to do something, never worked, I realized I sort of had to ease him into it. Oh well.
This is so true....lol
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I can relate. When we first moved in together DH would do nothing around the house. He was used to his mom or the cleaning lady doing everything. I used to do everything by myself until one day I got tired and demanded that he start helping. Now we divide the tasks. The only exception is the laundry. I don't think he even knows how to start the washing machine.
oh honey, I feel you. It's a constant battle. The way I've handled it is to "split up the chores." We have understood rules and are pretty good about sticking to them.
I do the floors and the bathrooms, mostly because he has no clue how to do them. But he does vaccum.
If one of us is home for the day, we throw all the laundry in the wash. It's just more fair that way. We take turns with the kitchen - mostly it's whoever cooks doesn't clean, etc. He has gotten pretty good about picking up after himself, since I always bring it to his attention as I'm picking up after him. That is pretty effective, when he is lying on the couch and I am cleaning up the plates and crap he has left around saying "Sweetheart, this is the fourth time this week you've left your ceral bowl here. I'm tired of picking it up." The guilt card usually works pretty well, as long as I'm not nagging too much.
I agree that he prob needs a kick start... but why should I have to even do that! It is his house too... and I know he hates it when it is a mess, and most of the time he just mentions, "the house is a mess!" I try to just eat it up and clean up... but frm now on I just want to scream to him, "well, what u going to do about it?"
It really bothers me when I'm doing the chores, and he just sits on the couch watching TV or playing video games. Dude, don't you think I want to be doing the same thing?!
"If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane" -- Jimmy Buffett
This advice helped me: think back to his childhood. Did his mom always keep up the house? If so, then he has been programed into thinking that the woman of the house will pick up after him. My DH's mom was a stay at home mom who took care of everything. Once we addressed this assumption, we were able to work together. DH still hates to clean the house, but if I ask him to help me with the dishes, then he will.
Guys are definitely like children in that we have to keep reminding them to do stuff and then watch to make sure they are doing it right. For me, it feels like more work.
Good luck and definitely talk to him about this.
A few things that work for us:
-Once or twice a week we put on a kitchen timer for about 5 minutes -- where we clean up as much as possible in 5 minutes. I read this in a magazine as a way to motivate people to clean up. 5 minutes is such a small commitment that it is hard to justify a complaint. It's amazing how much you can actually accomplish if you keep it up and just work as hard as possible for 5 minutes.
-Whoever cooks, doesn't do the cleaning.
-for everything else, I ask as I do it for him to help me out. We both work a lot and I think it's only fair that we both share in the work.
Read The Five Love Languages, this will TOTALLY change your perspective on everything. I just finished it and DH is reading it, it's amazingly insightful as to why you and your partner do things the way you do.
That being said, I am lucky where I don't really have this problem because my DH and I have talked at length how I need extra help because of my illness. He helps me out a lot, I'm lucky in the department. However, he is always working, so I barely see him. Nothing is perfect!
I would just have a serious discussion with him and tell him your expectations and what you want from him and what he wants from you. If you just want him to take one chore off of your list, tell him that. Explain to him that dishes is something that you really cannot stand, and would really appreciate it if he did them for you as part of his chores. Ask him what he would want you to do for him in return...
Just read the book, I'm sure you will see a huge difference!!!
I completly understand what you mean. My MIL works from home and she would do EVERYTHING for him. I do not even think he knew where the dirty clothes hamper was. LOL
It was difficult for him to adjust not having his mom around in the beginning, and he has even admitted that there have been times he thinks she is going to come around and pick up after him and then reality kicks in.
Men are like children, they are never going to want to help around the house. They are not like us women that enjoy to walk into a clean casita and notice any little mess.
Here are a few things that I did that have helped:
he would leave dirty clothing on a chair, or hanging behind the door I would not wash it because it was not in the dirty clothing hamper. Then he needs it, he can wash it.
Kitchen: He washes I cook, I cook he washes. If he stays on the sofa so would I.
Bathroom: We have a really small sink with almost no room to put gel or anything on the sink. He used to leave all his creams, gel, razor everything on there so that when it was my turn to use the bathroom I would have to pick up his things so that my things fit. So what I started to do is leave all my stuff out so that he would have to go through the same mission as I would and realize what a pain it is to pick up after someone.
Cleaning days: he does bathroom and kitchen and I vacuum, mop and clean the rest.
The bad thing is that you have a cleaning lady so your DH probably thinks that she can clean it up .
Just be patient.
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Just a side note...
Lots of people are referring to men as children, I have to disagree. I think it's just the way they were raised and their household that influences how they expect the home to be managed. That doesn't mean they are child-like.
I think men also respond to the way you ask. If it comes off as nagging or as you are assigning them a "chore" (like you are a parent/superior and they are the child) they aren't going to respond well to that. However, if you explain that you have a lot on your plate, you're tired, etc. and ASK them if they would please help you, ask them as an equal, then I bet you would get a better response.
Honestly, I did notice that sometimes I was asking my DH to do stuff in a nagging way and a way that was more a demand, not a request, and he flat out told me he felt like he was given chores and didn't like that. However, when I ask him if he can please help me out (but it's ultimately his choice) he always does it.
Just wanted to add that...
Read the book! lol