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engagment party etiquette
Two friends of mine recently got engaged (to each other : ) and my FI and I told them that we would like to have an engagement party for them. Is it true that anyone who is invited to an engagement party should also be invited to the wedding? The girl who just got engaged is concerned about this because they are planning to have a smallish destination wedding next year, so may not want to invite everyone who would be at the e-party to the wedding. (Another factor in this is that we all met in graduate school in the town we are currently in, so while they/we are friends with the people who would be invited, some of the people here are more casual friends, former classmates, and/or professors.) She suggested that we might say that it's a "surprise" e-party, so they would sort of be off the hook, but I guess I'd rather not do that, for a variety of reasons.
What do you think? Another option would just be for us to give a dinner party for the few couples who are close friends of the newly-engaged couple and who would be invited to the wedding.
Re: engagment party etiquette
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Lol! Our e-party was extended family and dozens of friends, some of whom we hadn't seen in years. I think there were about 70 people there. I think the party can be as big or small as the hostess, the couple or tradition wants.
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I feel like the lines are a bit blurry here because it is a destination wedding. When one hears destination wedding, I think that it is well understood that it is going to be a smaller, more intimate wedding. There is also the travel, cost, time off from work, etc that makes it more unlikely for people to attend anyway.
I like a pp's suggestion of having the get-together, but not calling it an engagement party.
I think if you explain in an invitation that it is a small destination wedding, it should be ok. I was invited to a post-destination reception thrown by friends for the newlyweds and yet I wasn't invited to the pre-wedding events or wedding. I thought it was rude when I wasn't invited to the pre-wedding, local events, but wouldn't have thought twice about not being invited to the wedding.
Engagement parties are usually long before a couple has whittled their guest list. So, to avoid offending people by including them in initial events then excluding them later, usually only close friends and fam are invited. I think your second idea is a better choice. I won't take the bride's suggestion about letting her off the hook. That's tacky.
If you really want to throw a party for all of those people (classmates, professors, etc) perhaps do it after the couple gets married.