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advice needed. i really wanted to wait for the west coasters
but whatever. maybe they can scroll or i can repost later.
i'm not sure what to do.
i have been having dinner a few nights a week with MIL. DH has been working nights and i get lonely, and i love the ILs when they aren't overwhelming me with the crazy.
yesterday i got there right before 16 yo was leaving to go out, and i overheard her talking to MIL about some inappropriate touching going on. i decided to ask about it, MIL told me a little about what was going on, and 16 y.o. said, "mom, she didn't know".
so i asked her to tell me what was going on, and she asked me not to tell DH. it turns out that two guys she works with have been groping her regularly, as if they are joking. grabbing her butt, grabbing her or whatever. i asked why she didn't tell the boss (this is a nothing fruit-store cashier job), and she said she didn't want to make it a big deal. she also didn't want MIL to call her boss and let him know what is going on, SO MIL DIDN'T.
i told SIL that this is sexual harassment. THESE MEN ARE 21 AND 25 YEARS OLD. she thinks because they are illegal citizens, that they just don't know how to act. she asked me not to do anything. I told her i wouldn't tell DH, but that she needs to come to me if she needs to talk, and this isn't anything that is her fault for happening.
i told SIL that this can't go on. i am going to pick her up from work on thursday, and see who these guys are, and tell them that if they touch her again, she's 16 and i am calling the cops.
i couldn't sleep all night. she's 16. she's not telling MIL or me what we can and cannot do about this.
i know she's not my kid, but WTF if this was my sister or daughter, she'd be forced to quit and there'd be a call to the cops.
i don't know what to do. i couldn't sleep all night. i know what i want to do, but i don't want to upset the kid or make her think she can't trust me. i am going to go see her tonight and talk to her again abotu this, and let her know that she's 16, she doesn't get to decide what happens here. but how invoved do i get?
i'd have posted this on FB, but i just don't have time. DH overheard me talking to MIL about it, and i told MIL that even though 16 yo doesn;t want her to get involved, she NEEDS to get involved. i asked DH to let me handle it, but he said that if nothing gets resolved today, that he is going to MIL and the kid about it.
i just don't want her to not trust me when it comes to telling me secrets, but to me this is a doosie, which is why i need to talk to her again.
Re: advice needed. i really wanted to wait for the west coasters
Ugh, I'm sorry.
That's hard.
I do think yo're on the right track...But it's hard to know what's right.
I do also think that kiddo needs some lessons in how to be assertive. I know that's hard; I had to give them to my 17 YO student worker...and my 21 YO student worker. And it was tres awkward. (they both fell into the young girl trap of being 'to nice'). But after much practice, they were able to say "that is inappropriate. *insert lesson on NOT giving reasons, not discussing things, reasons = argue with and back and forth. No to that* stop now". (which is when big mean GBCK stands up and bellows "Thank you STUDENT worker. You handled that well. if it comes up again, *I* will handle it" Which solved our issue)
If it were me, I'd be calling her boss. Let them know that if they don't fix it RIGHT NOW, you'll call the cops and let them know that the boss knew and did nothing. You don't have to tell SIL that you got involved - it'll seem like the boss did it.
Gah. Poor kid.
i asked the kid how she's handling it, she said she kicks them or pushes them away.
i told her she can't engage them in any way, and she needs to specifically tell them to stop, because they may take the kicking or pushing as playing back.
i don't know if she should quit, and i don't even know if MIL should call her boss. what if these men want to retaliate for getting them into trouble?t hat's my biggest worry, and i bet it's hers also.
We had someone like this at the first place I worked. He touched all of us inappropriately, and it eventually escalated to a new level and he was finally fired. But not before he made dozens of girls feel insecure, and afraid, and ashamed.
Is there a group you could take her to, to get her eyes open? Also - what eventually happened in my case is that my mother told the guy that if he ever touched me again it would be the last thing he ever touched.
Don't let this go on. These two know what they're doing is inappropriate. Also? I'd go to their boss and let him know that if this didn't stop NOW INS would be hearing about his hiring practices.
If they're willing to continue this behavior now, what's going to happen if (God forbid) they're ever completely alone with her??
I'd call the cops - there's not much they can do until 16yo files a complaint, but maybe one of the donut chasers could come out with you to discuss "appropriate behavior."
Also, I'd send the girl to one of those self defense classes - really teach her to have a voice.
you know, i was considering calling the boss myself. i didn't think i should, but since MIL isn't exactly able to go down there herself if anything happens to the kid (it would be either me or my older SIL), then i should contact them myself.
i still want to go there on thursday and see who these dudes are for myself. maybe even snap a picture and take names. 21 and 25 years old, FFS.
i just don't want to find out i was wrong for getting involved. but really, i think even if the kid gets upset she'll get over it in time.
wish me luck. i want to wait until noon-ish and then i am giving the store owner a call.
I live in an area of high illegals, and they DO think they get away with things because when they get in trouble 9 out 10 times they just disappear and nothing happens. I would tell the boss and if he doesn't handle it and it happened even 1 more time I would call the police. If something happened you are not gonna be able to live with yourself. I'd rather make a teenager mad at me than risk her getting raped or worse. She will forgive you.
Gawd, as over-protective as I am I'd probably threaten them with violent acts that are against the Geneva Convention's codes.
I mean, I get where she's coming from. Everything suggests that if you complain about this sort of thing you're being an uptightbitch. You want to have a pleasant work environment, not make waves, etc etc, but on the other hand they could, in all reality rape her. And what can the police do about it? If they're illegal, it's not as if they've got drivers licenses the news can post to get them captured.
Not being violated isn't a privilege at work, it's a right. Unless you're a stripper. Or a prostitute.
This^ was my point.
Ugh, I'm sorry she's going thru this and I can relate. I had the same thing happen to me in high school. It's horrible and so demeaning.
Can she be convinced to talk to the boss with you there? She may feel more comfortable with someone there, on her side. Then if she's too embarrassed or afraid to say much, you can tell the boss the police will be called if nothing is done along with a lawyer. He will be slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit and will no longer have a business left once you're done with him.
HOLD UP!!!!!
You're telling me that your MIL KNOWS that grown men are touching her daughter, and she isn't doing anything about it.
Now, y'all know that I'm a peaceful person, and hate drama. However, I am my mother's child, and it would have taken me all of two seconds to grab my purse, and drive to the store, and handle my business.
She didn't light into those men, and the boss for letting it happen. This girl is 16.
ok. thanks. i just needed to hear some supoprt here. she's not my kid, so i have heard people tell me to stop trying to raise her and let MIL handle things, but this is a completely different animal altogether than trying to negotiate a curfew or something petty.
YES NOLA, that part pissed me the eff off. MIL was worried that she'd make it worse, or she believed the kid that it wasn't a big deal, i dunno. i was seeing red since last night.
so anyway...i called the store, spoke to her boss. i introduced myself, and told him the situation. he said this was the first he heard of it. my main concern is that the kid is a minor, and that she is going to be protected. she likes going to work there, and he said they like having her. so he told me it won't have go go any further than this phone call, but i let him know that if i hear it happens again, i am going to have no choice but to persue this further and get authorities involved.
he apologized, i told him that i am ,eeting her after work on thursday (her next day) to meet in person and to catch up on what's going on.
i also called MIL to let her know what i did and that i felt it's what i had to do. she thanked me...we shall see what happens.
just call me the nosy SIL! that's what i do. i meddle.
One more thing. You should tell your husband. This is his sister, and he needs to go down there with a few of the other men in your family, and let them know that they ALL with kick their a** if they even look at her again.
Ok. This has me kinda hot.
Zilla, you did the right thing.
I've calmed down.:)
Zzilla, you did the absolute right thing. Hopefully the boss will be true to his word.
You're not the nosy SIL, you're the concerned family member who took the matter into her own hands when no one else would or could.
You did good.
i obviously have a tendancy to freeze up when it comes to this stuff.
when i was 18, i worked with a guy who kept grabbing my butt, but he was my age, and i ended up quitting soon after for something unrelated and it was never really an issue. i know what it's like to get the butt grabs, but i don't know what its like to be made to feel uncomfortable and not know how to handle it.
i didn't want to leave Dh to handle it because i don't know if he'd be level headed about it.
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You did the right thing and I hope SIL can see that as well. You are a good SIL and I wish I had you on my side in high school!
Zzilla,
You did the right thing by reporting to the boss, and planning to get the cops involved if it ever happens again. I think your H needs to be involved as well - you guys may want to make sure she has an escort home from work in case the guys would get fired and decide to retaliate. I wouldn't go down there looking for a fight though.
I'll second whoever suggested self defense classes. DH is a black belt and used to teach classes for the different student groups at my college. He's shown me a few techniques, and it is some good info to have. I'm sure you could find someone local (a karate school, maybe) that teaches a basic self defense class.