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so here's a vent about my ILs, and a little follow up.
16 y.o. SIL is now mortified, but it's not my doing. apparently i got the ball rolling and MIL finally started to talk about what happened with some of DH's siblings.
there's something wrong with MIL, because she cannot stand to have any of her kids mad at her or in a bad mood, and she's starting to agree with my other SIL about how things should have been handled.
i asked her how my (normal, or so i thought) SIL felt about what has been going on, and SIL actually had the audacity to say that it should have been left up to the 16 year old to tell her boss what had been happening.
then i started to feel like i meddled. until i thought about it. then i was all, "wait a second."
i also found out these MEN are 25 and 28. 28 MFYEARS OLD.
what the hell. that's just a few years younger than my husband.
it's not up to the kid to handle this, and i don't think my SIL realizes that we had every right to contact the police about this. the kid shouldn't have to handle this herself, she's a minor. these are grown ass men, and it's our jobs as the adults in her life to handle this for her.
MIL asked her numerous times to go to the boss, and she never wanted to.
DH is going to escort her to work today and have a chat with the boss in person. MIL doesn't want him to because the kid is already upset, but oh well. she'll get over it.
DH also thinks she's either a little too naiive for her own good, and maybe she's liking the attention, or she's just thinking it's cool to get this attention from grown men.
who knows. but this has been going on for months, and another girl had quit because of the harassment.
SIL and i have very different ideas about raising kids, apparently. she doesn't have teens and thinks that a teenaged girl should be allowed some privacy and freedome to kae the right decisions on her own.
yeah. we saw pics of the 16 y.o. on FB last night, and she was in her underware with her 14 y.o. cousin making sexy poses. i am not sure she's able to make the "right" decisions.
Re: so here's a vent about my ILs, and a little follow up.
I don't agree with you on this point - I think that a 16yo should know to speak up when something like this is happening - at that age I would have told my parents and my boss the first time that one of the guys acted inappropriately. I think it's sad that your SIL's parents didn't teach her that situations like this are not ok, and that she needs to handle them. I also think it's sad that your MIL didn't take action as soon as your SIL mentioned it to her. My parents would have pushed me to tell the boss(if I hadn't already), and would have made sure they were involved - and got the correct authorities involved (if it was upper management or the police.)
I'm not saying a child should handle something like this on their own - but she's 16 - and I doubt that another 2 years (when she's an "adult") would make a difference in her case.
that's a good point, barbie, but so far the kid has proven that she doesn't know how to handle things like this. her way of handling it is telling her mom, and asking her mom not to do anything, so her mom reinforced the idea that this is a secret and it should stay that way. MIL has known about this for months.
the general consensus is that the kid needs to be taught how to handle these situations for future reference, but now MIL and older SIL are afraid that she's never going to trust any of us again.
being 18 won;t make a difference, but these are men touching a minor. to me, the legal issues are pretty significant.
all sorts of tomfoolery here.
sexual harrassment is a workplace issue. the fact that sil is 16 is a legal issue.
don't be too hard on mil. she could just be blown away and in a panic about what to do, and the idea of ignoring it is clearly the easiest -- and most wrong -- way.
the most fcked up part IMO? DH and I aren't in the minority, but MIL and SIL are the kid's primary caregivers, and it seems that their way of raising her is the way she's being raised. that's fine, but the kid is not making good decisions and no one is correcting her.
DH and I have some support, but only DH and I seem to be doing anything about it right now.
OH and MIL did tell my new SIL about what happened, and she begged new SIL not to tell my BIL, so there we go with more secrets. at this point, i am washing my hands of this issue and letting the ILs deal with it. until something actually happens, i'm a neutral party. i'm too aggravated.
i'm a little upset today because i don't know what the correct way to have handled this was. this is a nothing fruit stand job; there's no formla HR department to put in a complaint. it's just the owner and some workers.
i know i worry too much, but i worried that one of them were going to take it too far because she never made a big deal about it.
THIS. this was my opinion from the start.
What she said.
Val, I knew I liked you. You said the same thing I said two days ago.
MIL=Crazy in my book.
i can understand that the kid is embarassed. but i don't know why she's actually angry. ANGRY! new-SIL called earlier to let me know what she had heard, and that the 16 y.o. has been staying at the cousin's house for a few days (the one who she takes sexy underware pics with for FB) because she's so mad that this got out.
why on earth would she be angry? embarassed, yes. but angry? i just don't get it at all. no one has reprimanded her or acted as if she's done anything wrong. it makes me think she was enjoying this, and it also makes me think she needs to be taught that this sort of attention from a man so far over her age is innappropriate.
regardless of age -- hers or his -- it's inappropriate. in this case, it's legally actionable.
I think times like these call for a heart to heart that doesn't include arguing, but talking about why her family stepped in.
I'm sure she feels like people are making a big deal about it, but in my eyes it wouldn't have gotten to this point if mom would have handled her business.
mil doesn't think it's her own business to deal with; it's 16yo sil's business.
i don't understand this at all. maybe because i have parents and a husband and siblings who are all up in my business all the time. and you guys, too.
hmonkey, that's my issue also. how is it not her business? she's the parent, she has the authority to tell the kid what she is and is not allowed to do. she should not have given the 16 y.o. the right to tell her not to contact the boss on her behalf.
is this a situation where mil wants to be sil's friend, and not her mom?
if so, ai yi yi.
no. she just doesn't want the kid to be mad. my opinie? the kid needs to suck it up and learn what it is like to have a parent tell you what to do.
if it were MY kid? she'd stay home and deal with this as a family, and there'd be a discussion.
i think there's going to be a heated discussion tonight. i declined the invitation, but apparently everyone is going to new-SILs tonight for her first married dinner party. i am hoping this gets brought up, even though i know yelling will ensue.
you know, every time i am around this kid, something comes up and the family gets turned upside down.
it happened when i found nekkid pics of 13 y.o. cousin on FB, and the kid was the photographer; it happened when i found a list the 16 y.o. made of the racist and sick things crazy SIL was saying and doing to her; and here it's happening again.
what.
on one hand, the dinner party could be very interesting. on the other hand, please to be enjoying these domino's coupons.
http://www.ov3r.com/images/Dallas_coupons_p1.jpg
Oh holy cow. Really? REALLY? She's gone to stay at someone else's house because she's angry? Embarrassed and angry? Yeah, no. HELL NO.
I'm a mean mom and I know that, so the first thing I'd do after we'd gotten to that is point out that her embarrassment and anger were clearly evidence that she's too immature to handle this appropriately. Which is why it was my job to do it for her. And no, you don't get to run away from the family that is trying to protect you. And you don't get to go out and try to garner additional negative sexual attention by posting nakey facebook photos. And if and when you feel like handling yourself like an adult and taking responsiblity for how you are treated in a professional atmosphere and at home when you disagree with my parental actions by discussion instead of trying to run and hide, I MIGHT let you come out of your solitary confinement. The end.
You know, I think we're forgetting that she's a victim here. If I were 16 and this happened to me, I'd probably react the same way (minus staying at someone else's house since my parents would've hunted me down). I think the more the family freaks out and turns it into a shouting, finger-pointing match, the less likely she is to get anything out of anything that's said.
A level-headed talk would probably be the best way to get through to this girl that 1) she has every right to be safe at work, 2) that she has every right to say who can and - more importantly - CANNOT treat her the way they did, and 3) that she is loved and respected enough by her family that they want to help her.
*sigh*
This is really tough. Good luck, Zilla.
new-SIL is going to talk to her tonight one-on-one.
DH and i think MIL keeps telling everyone about what happened so she doesn't have to take any responsibility. honestly, if she wouldn't have started to tell everyone about it, it'd have been squashed already because DH and I are handling things. as much as i love my MIL, i know she's from that older generation that uses a little maipulation and guilt to get out of being responsible for modern-era problems with the kids.
Oh, I don't think we're forgetting she's a victim, I think that critical members of her family are forgetting that she can become a victim of far more harmful things if the situation is not adequately addressed. I know how autocratic I sound, but at the end of the day it's not ever about the shouting. It's about her safety. And even if the behavior wasn't as bad as all that (I don't believe that at all), the girl needs to learn a very serious lesson in protecting herself. She's not always going to be 16 and have family willing to step in for her. Even if it wasn't a matter of safety, maybe it's just professional success. If she doesn't learn to speak up now, learn that it's right to do so, what is she going to do when she's got a career that's being hindered by a tool that tries something before giving her a well-deserved raise or promotion?
val, have you read the OP? i was just curious, especially since you've raised teenagers.
one of them occassionally grabs her ass and says "i want to be your boyfriend". it's disturbing to know that a 28-year-old will say this to a 16 year old. so even though they aren't exactly pulling her pants she doesn't seem to understand the serverity of sexual harassment in the workplace, as well as sexual harassment in general.
there's something wrong with an adult who wants to get with a teenager. it's perverted. when i worked in leisure, i had a couple come to me for a vacation and i had to turn them away. the chick was 16 and the dude was 23. she even offered to get a permission note from her parents. it was mildly disturbing, but there has to be some sort of boundary set for teens IMO. a 23 yo has no business with a 16 year old. this is what i keep thinking of whe i think of this kid.
her cousin is 17 and has had a boyfriend for over 2 years. the guy is NOW 23. to me that is just too old and too long, and maybe she thinks that since it is okay with the cousin's parents, it's okay for her. i happen to disagree.
it's hard for me to have an opinion when i am not her parent, and when my opinion isn't taken into consideration by the people raising her.
I had tried to play a little catch up a day or two ago when I think you posted it but I'm pretty sure you all had moved way past that by the time I'd read it. I'll go back and find it again.
Still, even before I read that just what you said in that post makes me all enraged. It'd make me enraged for ME, let alone my teenage daughter. No one lays hands on me between neck and knees that isn't expressly invited. Do it to my daughters and you might find yourself on the business end of Wasband's Glock. Move on to the part about her being 16 and the guy 28, and he'd be threatened with police involvement the first time and have a complaint lodged after that. He wouldn't live to speak of a third try.
Whatever it is, it's just not funny. It's not horseplay. It's inappropriate sexual aggressiveness that needs to be stopped before acquiessence is misunderstood to be acceptance or invitation.