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SO Heartbroken For My Friend Re: Adoption
So my friend was doing a domestic adoption, lives in NH and there was a baby going to be born in Arizona...where she actually adopted her 2.5 yr old son as well. (she had done many clomid cycles, IUI's and IVF's and nothing came of any of it) So she knew about it for about 4 months and they got the call they were going to induce this past friday and the birth mother wanted them there for the birth and everything. So they knew this was all a risk of course until the baby was 72hrs old, but they took it cause they really wanted another child. So fast forward.....they flew out friday afternoon and met the girl that night, took pictures chatted a bit then went to their hotel....they went back sat AM and the baby was born saturday night a baby boy, and he was just perfect she said, great weight, length, apgars, adorable as ever, and she got to see the whole thing and video it and cut the cord and hold him right away....and she called me sunday Am to let me know all this cause her phone had died that night. So the baby was released Sunday she said which seemed weird in itself cause it hadn't been 72 hrs...but they took him to their hotel room, bought a carseat of course, clothes formula diapers etc... and bonded of course...well Tuesday night at 9:25 the 72 hrs was up and she called me yesterday afternoon and through lots of tears told me the 18 yr old birth mother decided to keep the baby. She is SO crushed and devastated and I just cried with her on the phone. I just can't believe it. And apparently this girl literally has nothing literally... no job, no schooling, no car, boyfriend left and does not want the baby, the girls Aunt is apparently 26 and her family all had kids way young and she said she couldn't do it she was too young, no real family support, nothing ...not to mention she had an abortion once beore and the only reason she didn't abort this one was because she found out about the pregnancy too late. So she says she's done and won't go back in a month or whatever if the girl turns around and sees she cannot do it once she gets him home. The social worker said that that baby will most likely be back in the system within 2 months once she realizes she can't take care of it. Hopefully she says that out of anger and devastation and if she did get that call she would go grab him....I just could not imagine being in her shoes yesterday having to bring that baby back to his birth mother and handing him over and leaving. I just can't fathom her and her husbands pain right now. I just keep wishing so hard that it is all a bad dream and that the girl will change her mind before they fly home tonight =o( They named him and everything...Justin Paul...middle after her DH. It's just so surreal...any ideas on what I can do for her when she gets home? I know she'll still need some time to grieve with it, but should I send flowers or maybe an edible arrangement? I feel so sad that this week was such a dissapointment after all they went through for this baby, and now they come home empty handed. Though I know seeing their sons face when they get home will be what makes her move forward, he's such a great little boy and she is very fortunate to have him.
Makes me so sick to think about all that's happened to her trying to have children....It definately put things in perspective once again that I am SO SO SO lucky to have my boys and able to get pregnant at all even though it took over a year for each of them. I wish I could be her surrogate so badly but I know I'd have some attachment to that child...someway, somehow and it would put a tiny hole in my heart to let it go, genetically not mine, but even so, physically growing that child inside of me, feeling it for so long and then watching it grow up cause we're good friends... etc etc. Though I know it would give them SO much joy...ugh... I just wish she could get pregnant on her own =o( Life is so unfair.
Re: SO Heartbroken For My Friend Re: Adoption
That is so awful. My SIL's sister went through a very similar situation - and it is DEVASTATING. I know you'll be there for your friend.
How awful. Life IS unfair. (I am totally crying in my cube right now for this poor woman.)
WOW! I can not believe the birth mother would be so cruel as to do that to your friend. That is just the worst thing I have ever heard of. To have your friends FLY OUT THERE and do all the things they did only to take it back. I normally dont wish bad things on people, but a few things have crossed my mind while reading that.
In all honesty, i am not sure that sending flowers / fruit would be the best idea. I know it is coming from the heart, but I think the biggest thing you could do is just be there for her. Maybe give her a card that you hand write out or something.
Wow, im still in shock.... I hope you will have some good news for us later. I will keep your friends (and that little baby) in my thoughts!
I'm heartbroken for her, and i'm so incredibly sorry
That's so sad, I feel for your friend. As if dealing w/ i/f isn't bad enough something like this happens. Since dh and I can't get pg we've talked about adoption but have decided against it just for this very reason. I don't know if I could deal w/ that kind of heartbreak.
I'll be thinking about your friend.
OMG. I can not even begin to imagine what your friend is feeling right now. That has got to be one of the absolute hardest situations to ever be put in. Thankfully she has a loving friend in you to help her get through this.
An old co-worker (also in NH) went through this exact same thing (with the baby boy being born in AZ). She and her DH flew out there for the birth and then the birth mom (also approx. 18 y.o. and having NOTHING) changed her mind. When Jackie got home, I remember how devastated she was. A year later they braved it again (another AZ adoption) and this time it happened. Now they have a beautiful, happy 5 y.o. son.
I can't imagine how heartwrenching an experience like that has to be- my heart goes out to your friend!
My next door neighbors have an adopted daughter (she's grown and out of HS by now) and they went through a few similar experiences before adopting her when she was a baby. Did your friend have to pay living expenses and stuff for the mom-to-be while she was pregnant too? My neighbors did that and, of course, you never get a dime of that back either!
I've heard that, oftentimes, very young moms will sign up for these adoption programs (even though they have no intention of ever giving up the baby) because of the money that it provides for them to live while they are pregnant. They know they can back out at the end and not be held financially responsible for the money they have taken from somebody, so it's easy for them to do.
I am so so sorry for your friend. She must be devastated. I agree that writing a personal note to your friend would probably mean just as much to her - or more, than flowers.