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DH and I are TIP (turned out REALLY long)
Well, the "P" is supposed to be paradise, which I don't think applies here. Anyway.
We are at each other's throats on and off, and have been for months. I kept waiting for it to pass, but it hasn't.
Basically, he can't seem to get his *** together, and I'm fed up with it.
He didn't know what he wanted to do with his life well into his thirties. I feel like I was very supportive.
Two years ago, he decided he wanted to quit his job and get his master's full time. I supported this decision, in the hopes that he had finally found what he wanted to do.
He said he would get a part-time job while he was in school full time in order to contribute toward household expenses. He never did. At first, he was defensive when I would ask about it. Later, he said that he didn't have time. I'll grant that this was true during later semesters, when he was struggling. Not so much early on. I've been paying for everything (mortgage, utilities, groceries, etc.) for 2 yrs.
In the mean time, he bought a house to "flip." I had my reservations about the project--especially since he was supposedly too busy to work--but he pulled the whole thing about how he needed me to believe in him, blah blah blah. 18 painful months later, he eventually sold it at a loss of about $10,000.
He was supposed to graduate last spring. Then it was this past fall. Then he failed his written comprehensive final (an exam required to earn the degree, in lieu of a thesis). He had various reasons why--one of the questions was from a class he never took, another one was supposedly not supposed to be on the exam but was, etc. I told him that if that was the case, he needed to discuss it with the head of the program. He never did. He was given the option to take an oral exam and still earn his degree. The afternoon before, he canceled, said he would take it the following semester. He told me he did this after the fact.
In the mean time, he's half-assedly looking for a job. As in, if I nag him about it (which I hate), there's a flurry of activity for a couple of days. As soon as I stop nagging, he either skims job postings every couple of weeks, or stops looking entirely.
Then there is DD. Originally, we planned for her to arrive after he had graduated and had a job again. By the time she arrived, he was still in school, still no income. Additional expenses (though she is more than worth it) falling entirely on me.
Last fall, he said that he needed someone to watch DD full time while I was at work so that he would have time to study and look for a job. I didn't like the idea and proposed part-time child care. He pitched a fit and said that he would never be able to pass his final-final and get a job if he had to watch DD part time. Like the flip house, I agreed despite my reservations. We found a wonderful woman to watch DD full time at her house (one-on-one, like a nanny, not like in-home daycare with other kids). Despite this, DH did not earn his degree and did not get a job. His dad gave him money for school, some of which he's using to pay for the nanny because after 2 yrs. and a baby, my pay check is stretching as far as it can.
My role in this TIP? I am 100% fed up and at the end of my rope, and now I'm acting like it. Which he doesn't like. I can't blame him--I've lost patience with him, and I don't care about his stupid excuses anymore. I'm worn out, resentful, and just tired of it all.
To complicate things, I think he has undiagnosed depression (his mom's entire side of the family--grandmother, mother, aunt, uncle, and two siblings--have also suffered from clinical depression) and possibly adult ADHD (starting projects with great enthusiasm only to have that fizzle out, never finishing anything). He refuses to see even a general practitioner for an evaluation.
I've proposed marriage counseling, because I hate the way things have become between us, I hate feeling like this, and I don't want our marriage to fall apart any more than it already has. He says okay, after he gets a job. He's shown little interest in getting any sort of job for the past two years, so this doesn't sound like a plan to me, it sounds like yet another excuse to do nothing.
So there it is, my big, ugly, mess of a marriage. I am taking any and all advice, because I feel stuck and clearly, we haven't been able to fix this.
Re: DH and I are TIP (turned out REALLY long)
I'm sorry.
Personally, I think I'd be making counseling and seeing a doc ultimatums of some sort.
"You can do this and show a willingness to WORK on the marriage or you can choose not to. If you're choosing not to, you're saying you won't work on the marriage. And then I'm gone"
ETA...the ADHD thing I can touch a wee bit though...
the Mr. could answer more what it's like to be married to an ADHDer.
But...I'll PM you on here in 2 shakes...one of the better books on ADHD I have has a 'question list' as a quasi-diagnostic tool. It's hugely long but I already typed it before for someone so I'll C&P it to you if it'll help.
If it doesn't help, you can ignore it and delete it and spam me back via PM saying DIAF.
This situation sucks - it's not fair to put all of the burden on you. I understand your frustration.
DH and I were having a lot of problems in the latter few months of 2009. We're in a much better place now. I don't want to get into details on here, but things were pretty serious for a while there.
Counseling really helped us (even though we were both skeptical going in) - I'd recommend it - if nothing else so you have someone "impartial" to talk to.
If you want to FB message me, we can talk more.
Busy, do you think I am enabling? (Honestly.) Because I'm on the fence about this and can't decide. Lately I've been a lot less coddling, and I think that's causing a lot of the friction. But I just can't stand to keep patting his hand and telling him that everything will work out. Who pats my hand? Who helps me? Not him.
And yes, you and 6 are right. I've been considering solo counseling. I'm torn, because that takes time away from DD when I feel like I hardly see her as it is. But obviously the status quo isn't working for any of us--DD included, once she's old enough to pick up on the tension between us. Which, at six months, is any day now.
I'm very angry with him right now, and counseling would help with that.
I understand not wanting to take more time from DD, but I think you'll find the counseling allows for a better quality of time you have with her. It might also open your husband up to the idea too.
Barbie, I just saw your post. That's good to know, thanks. I'm sorry to hear that you were in a bad place yourself.
I've never heard of counseling making things worse, right? It either helps or it doesn't--at least you're no worse off than you were. Which is why I'm frustrated by his resistance. I'd like to be like you and say that it helped, but for that to happen, DH would have to show up. Which he doesn't seem inclined to do at the moment.
i hate to say it, but i think you have a major part in this.
why are you letting him go forward with foolhardy financial decisions when you have reservations?
it's time to have a come to jesus, whether he likes it or not. you are the one supporting the family, all financial decisions need to be ratified by the supreme ruler, you.
he's not holding up his end of the bargin. counseling is going to be a must. especially if you're having trouble putting your foot down.
Keep in mind I only know what you have posted.
It seems in your efforts to be kind and supportive you have given him lots of rope and now you are pulling back. He doesn't understand why the rules of the game have changed. Sure you have told him if you want X you have to do Y but then you don't enforce Y.
Couseling with a good counselor will give you tips on being more consistent and give you better communication skills. After that you can explain to him what couseling is about from an insiders perspective and hopefully he'll go.
Something needs to change. It's not about you two any more. Every decision has to be made from the point of view of teamwork and what best benifits the familiy.
GBCK, I missed your post the first time around. That list sounds helpful, thank you so much. I would definitely like to see it. I do think that the possible ADHD, if that's what it really is, complicates things. I think it makes school hard for him, I think it makes the job search harder, and obviosuly it's not helping our relationship.
I saw your siggy, BTW--congratulations!
IF/Baby Blog
2 years, 2 surgeries, 2 clomid fails, 2 IUIs, 1 loss, IVF #1 - 10/25/10 = BFP!
TTC #2 - June: surgery #3, FET #1 w/ Lupron = canceled, poor lining
FET 1.2 mini-stim = BFN
FET #2 mini-stim, no BCPs = BFP 5dp5dt, betas:11dp5dt=350,13pt5dt=978, 16dp5dt=4606!!
I can't wait for the "im getting a divorce" post in 5 years or so because your husbands were fed up with your disgusting chair asses from playing on the knot all day and getting fired 4-5 times for not doing any work. you guys are all winners!! ~ Laur929
thanks :-),
and the list is sent in PM...
You can always flag me down re: ADHD questions and I'll try to answer.
I'd recommend going to counseling on your own and asking the counselor if they would see both of you if he decides to participate. If nothing else, I think it will give you some clarity on the situation, and help you work on yourself.
One thing that we worked on in counseling was communication in 6 words or less. We also talked about identifying your problems, and then solving them.
Your problem is that you're angry with H because you do not feel that he is carrying his weight. Your solution thus far has been to support everything yourself, and as a result you're burned out. However, you're getting angry with your H for how you solved the problem - and that's not fair to him.
You need to break down the big problem into smaller issues and come up with soultions that take stress off of yourself. For example - Your problem is that DD needs to be watched while you work. Your current solution is to pay a nanny - causing resentment of your H, and cutting into your paycheck. My suggested solution would be to stop paying for the nanny - your H can watch DD or get a PT job to pay for a nanny for times he needs to study.
From your OP, it sounds like you're enabling him, and making excuses for him.
Nico,
the offer to msg me through FB is open to you as well.
Nicoleg, I'm sorry too. Really.
GBCK, I tried to reply to your PM several times and kept getting wonky error messages. But thank you. That's very helpful.
Well, Busy gives extremely sound advice. I'd seek individual counseling for now. Do you have a program through your insurance/work you can use?
Also - if you are up for a GTG I'm local, you know. We can go get drinks, get your mind off the situation. This isn't totally helpful, but sometimes it's nice to get away from your brain for a while.
Plus, if you're a skinsuit, all your problems are solved!
the PM feature sucks.
If you do want to read anything on it, Ratey and Hallowell's 'driven to distraction' series (pick one, they mirror e/o a lot) are, IMO the best place to start.
And CHADD support groups are connected w/ Hallowell and are sometimes worthile too. 9and sometimes suck)
Yep. I either delete or forget my ID/passwords. Eventually I'll come full circle and be Yoshi Cakes or something.
Let me know. I am pretty sure we don't work that far apart.
I don't think you should blame yourself for finally expressing your frustration. I put up with almost the exact situation for 10 years with my ex (and yes - I give myself a big sideye for it) and although every relationship is different, I'd be willing to bet that if you go back to "coddling," nothing will change and your frustration and resentment will continue to grow.
You're probably on to something with the undiagnosed depression. People have no idea how debilitating an illness it can be. My ex was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder/major depression and was hospitalized twice while we were together. Not saying that your H is anywhere near that, but it was actually a major factor in why I stayed in the relationship for so long - trying to rationalize that his inability to move forward and be productive was a function of the illness and I needed to be supportive and nurturing rather than resentful and nagging. Eventually it wore me out, though, and when I saw the same patterns playing out over and over again, I was able to recognize that the relationship was not healthy for either of us. (When I realized that I cried more when we were together than after he left, it was a big eye opener.)
Therapy should help, even if he won't go. If nothing else, it will help you sort through some of your feelings and hopefully come up with some kind of plan to deal with things, one way or another. He may never admit that he needs help and you can't do it for him (trust me - speaking from experience). In the long run, you need to take care of yourself and DD.
Good luck and I'll be thinking about you. ((hugs))