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Could you live in a sexless marriage?
DH and I have been married 7 years. We have 2 small boys. In 2009, I had my son in May. We did not have sex prior to me giving birth. We did not have sex until August of last year. And had sex again in October. That was it.
My DH is a good guy, good dad, tells me he loves me. But he is not at all affectionate much past giving me a kiss and hug and telling me he loves me. He doesn't cuddle, nothing. I've tried to get him in the mood. Nothing works.
He made a comment that my size bothers him. I'm plus size, and I was plus size when I met him. If I invite him in the shower he turns me down.
He's been bipolar for about 14 years. So his medication is pretty much the same. He blames his medication for no sex drive. He says he's depressed . We've been having financial difficulties and family issues regarding the health of our extended families. I know he's not cheating because he goes to work and comes home. He doesn't go anywhere, he doesn't go on the computer or talk on the phone. He doesn't have texting on his phone.
I've asked him to see the doctor about changing his meds or talking about what's bothering him and he tells me that its no big deal and to leave him alone. That him loving me should be enough. But yet on the 2 occasions we did have sex, he initiated because he had "blue balls". TMI sorry.
But yet he accuses me of giving the kids all my attention and doing nothing to show him that I love him. Which isn't true. I've started his car before work, make lunch for him, leave him random notes in his books, rub his back. He does nothing like that for me.
The one time I asked him to talk to his doctor he did and he said the doctor said he was fine.
I'm at a loss. I feel like he's my roommate. I miss the affection. The problem is that if he won't help himself, I don't know what to do. I'm tired of being pushed away. I don't need sex on a weekly basis, but monthly would be nice. Just cuddling on the sofa would be nice. Going to give him a kiss and hearing "no tongue" would be nice.
I don't know what to do.
Re: Could you live in a sexless marriage?
Wow...I'm sorry you're going through this. Personally I could/would not live in a sexless marriage. Sex is a HUGELY important part of the relationship between a husband and wife. More importantly (in my opinion) is the intimacy that snuggling, kissing and sex can provide. I dont want to say anything negative about your relationship (because im not in it) but it sounds like you're not really happy with your situation and you're missing that intimacy. If I was to offer advice it would be to talk to your husband, perhaps bring up the idea of marriage counseling to get to the root of the problem so that you can then decide if it's fixable.
Hope that helps
I wouldn't stay in that marriage.
Plus, I'm not sure why you guys had a second child considering you were already having lots of problems.
My 2nd child wasn't planned. We were doing very well at the time, but using protection. I lost my job 4 months into my pregnancy and DH got laid off 6 months into the pregnancy but luckily found a job 2 weeks late but with less pay.
Size 18.
Down from a 22. I'm working on it but sadly I can't go to a 130 overnight.
This is a rough one.
Perhaps his action in the bedroom is a rarity but that is no excuse to NOT be affectionate with you in other ways. You are right: he should show you affection outside the bedroom, the same way you do for him. No hugs no kisses, no anything? Sad.
The issues:
For him to say your size bothers him is not only insensitive, it's a cop out: you were of size when you met him and of size when you married him. So what's his big problem???
A size 18 is NOT the Goodyear Blimp. What's his big problem -- and besides, you're thinner than you were when you met him.
He shouldn't be talking like that to you. That makes him pretty crass and inconsiderate.
Another copout: that comment about how you give the kids all the affection (pretty sick of him to say) and none to him (not true). What's his problem, anyway, besides being crass and inconsiderate?? This is the guy who tells you he loves you???
He won't see a doc about having medication changed, he won't give you affection, he treats you like a roommate. My guess here is that he's emotionally checked out of the marriage; either that or it's the Madonna-Whore Syndrome.
He also could have decided the sex department is now closed.
MWS is fixable, I believe; it would entail seeing a therapist (both of you) and a sex therapist -- but if he won't see a doc about an organic problem he does have already, I don't think it's likely that he would see a therapist/sex therapist.
If he's emotionally checked out of the marriage, pretty bad. You'd not have much of a choice here regarding what to do and that you have a small infant makes this situation all the more difficult.
What I suggest:
Have somebody watch the kids -- sit down with him and you and he have a long face to face and heart to heart talk about what is happening between the both of you. He owes it to you to work on this with you; if he won't, not so good. If he won't do something to rectify the situation, you're going to have to decide whether you want to stay with him or leave.
Personally, I'd leave. Why should you sell yourself short for the rest of your life? You'll only harbor resentment if you stay with him -- and your self esteem and self confidence will only be eroded and bankrupt completely if you stay with this guy.
Could you get a sitter (doesn't have to be at night) and do something fun? Cook dinner together, open a bottle of wine, watch a movie that you both agree on, take a shower together...anything that builds intimacy, even though it might not lead to sex right away.
You could also buy a vibrator (I think that every woman should have one) and have him accidentally "walk in" on you while you're using it. If that doesn't get him moving, I don't know what will.
Does he have friends? What does he like to do for fun?
I'm really sorry you're in this situation and I hope you work it out!
Hypothetical question...Let's just say that nothing changes. How long could you keep living like this? Think about it...
I think it's one thing if it's a medical problem that cannot be fixed but the fact that he's not trying to do anything to improve your physical relationship is really sad and strange.
I doubt that it's actually the weight issue, sure that might be a small part of it but if he met you at that weight and married you at that weight then I doubt that that's all it is. I don't know if he's willing to go to marriage counselling of sex therapy but I think that you guys probably need outside professional help to get to the bottom of this.
Was he like this before you got married? I know you said you never had sex before your first child was conceived but did he cuddle then, kiss more passionately? play more? was there a time when things changed or was it always kind of this way?
When we met he was wonderful. We had sex and intimacy. It was great. We had our first child and it was great. We were both working and doing well.
It was even great up to when I got pregnant with our 2nd child which I did say was not planned. It was during the pregnancy with job losses and family illness, his mom and my dad that things started to change.
It seems like when everything started to hit us, that's when it all changed. And he goes to his doctors and they just keep him on the same doeses of medication and same kinds. I feel that maybe his doses should be changed or something.
I don't feel that at this point since we haven't tried as a couple to really fix this, that I'm ready to leave. But if he isn't willing to fix it then yes I will leave because I won't bring up my sons in this kind of marriage.
To the poster who said I was a horrible mother, please keep those comments to yourself. I am not a snarky person. I do not judge, I treat others with respect. I am a wonderful mother. My husband has a treatable mental disorder and functions very well as a member of society and employee at his job and is a wonderful parent. Even though he feels he is being slighted by me in terms of the kids, the kids are his joy.
Where he is lacking is as a husband right now.
This shouldn't matter at all. He married you at that size, so he shouldn't be surprised that you are still that size. If he truly loved you, your weight wouldn't matter unless your health was being compromised because of it.
I could understand if you were a size 6 when you got married at went up to a 22...but you said you were plus sized when you married and size 18 is barely in the plus size range.
He's using your size as an excuse for him not wanting to have sex (from what it sounds like). He's putting the blame on you for him not wanting to have sex...it takes him off the hook then.
Don't worry OP...the word 'troll' has been thrown around in regard to this poster and now I'm starting to believe it.
What an insensitive thing to say. What's done is done and just because she had children with a man that doesn't want to have sex with her doesn't make her a bad mother.
ignore aras, you are not a bad mother.
You really really need to get him to counseling, in fact both of you need to go. If hes unwilling to go with you then im sorry but he is not willing to change for you nor help the marriage and you need to get out.
Sapphire29, When I was reading you post I thought maybe I posted this when I was sleeping..
My husband and I have only been married 4 years and we have no kids, but he been dx with bipolar since he's been 18 now 33. Our sex life is exactly the same as yours.
You said "I know he's not cheating because he goes to work and comes home. He doesn't go anywhere, he doesn't go on the computer or talk on the phone. He doesn't have texting on his phone." my husband does the same thing...
I'm at a loss too, It's so easy for people to say leave him, but it's not that easy when you love someone who has bipolar, you know how they are acting can't easily be stopped or changed, and you hope for that miracle med change that makes everything back to being perfect.
Sapphire29, if you ever want to chat you can PM me.
Karleen
Yes, If I were married to Jesus.
In a relationship with another person no...
you said your DH is bipolar, have there been any changes like being rx'd other prescription drugs like for pain, a large weight gain or loss, or any traumatic events with the family? Maybe he needs to be reevaluated for his dosage on his meds, or maybe his meds are causing the lack of drive themselves as he said. Also, I need you to really look at this situation with open eyes. He married you as a plus-sized woman, why is it all of a sudden bothering him? That doesn't make sense and it's not fair for him to use that as an excuse.
DH has been dx with bipolar disorder. Without his meds he wants it every hour of everyday....in his meds we're down to a normal 1-2 a week. If he's been on the same meds for 18yrs, maybe its time to try something else. I suggest marriage counseling.
GL!
She's not ridiculous. THIS is.
She came here for an advice, probably a constructive one at that, so telling her what she did wrong is totally useless. It's done and there's nothing she can change about that. She can only change the circumstances from now on (which she's trying to do by asking for advice).
And don't criticize her choice to have children and calling her a bad mother. They're totally separate issues that have nothing to do with their sex life.
I'm bipolar and have been on meds that killed my sex drive. I still had sex despite lessened enjoyment of it because it was important to my FI and important for our relationship.
Your H is full of cop-outs and excuses.
Are you serious???
That is what I said.
He b!tched about her size...when in fact she's thinner than before.
He has the gall to say all of her attention goes to the kids -- which is sick and inappropriate of him to say
He claims she does nothing for him -- what more does he want? She starts the car for him, she leaves him little notes.
Indeed this is excuse after excuse.
How many more excuses, copouts and ifs ands or buts do you want to put up with, OP? Like I said, don't sell yourself short by staying with this guy.
Sounds like you're taking steps to lose weight! Good for you and keep it up!
I've been married to someone with bipolar for 6 years.... It seems that he is trying to tell you that he is depressed, which will result in no sex drive... It is more like complete apathy for everything.
I suggest that you go to his psychiatrist appointments with him. I attend all of my DH's appointments. After my DH talks, the psych. asks me how he is really doing. This is because he feels that I am a better judge of his moods than he is. This takes complete openness with your DH though as well.
Also, I don't know which meds your DH is on, but if it has been the same ones for 14 years, it is definitely time for a change. There are so many better meds without those horrible side effects than there were just 5 years ago.
And, one of the major side effects of some of the meds is low testosterone. So, my DH has a testosterone shot once a month to help with sex drive.
Thanks ladies. I'm going to talk to him this weekend. He has an appointment with the doctor for a medication checkup on Monday.
Something has to be done because I do deserve more.
I could live in a sexless marriage as long as I was getting sex someplace else. I love my husband very much and we have talked about this....if for some reason down the line if he couldn't please me anymore he wants me to get it from someone else...as long as i come home to him.
Tell him you'll get it someplace else, see if that changes his tune.
Perfectly said.
I think a lot of it has to also do with the job situation. That can be really straining on a couple. Luckily, DH and I both have jobs, BUT the idea of DH getting laid off has been looming. I think marriage counseling will help. I never thought talking about things to a complete stranger would help. But it is very liberating.
PS--you are not a bad mother at all....who wouldn't want children with someone you love??