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I'm feeling a little frustrated. vent.
So thanks in advance to anyone who chooses to listen. I am just feeling a little stressed and frustrated the last couple of days with my husband. I feel the need to go into this saying he's wonderful (and some of you know him personally so you know he really is a great guy) but lately I feel like he takes me for granted. Maybe?
Basically, I am w/ Alyssa 24/7. I get up w/ her, I feed her, I play with her, I take care of her, I go everywhere with her, she and I are rarely apart. The only nights I am really away from her are Tuesday and Thursday nights when I go to yoga.
I sleep "in" on Saturdays but the moment I get up she gets handed to me and Eugene is off doing whatever is he needs or wants to do that day.
He gets up every work day between 8 and 9 (usually closer to 9) to work ...meanwhile, I've already been up with exploding breasts - before I can pump I really need to feed Alyssa (I am working on getting up a little earlier than she does so I can have that task accomplished but it's hard because every am I just feel like I'm dragging tail and then before I can think twice I've fallen back to sleep but I AM trying to make a change) - and then pump - which in the am takes about a half hour because there is so much milk to drain -
So then Eugene will get up leisurely, come and play.with.her for a few minutes while she's laughing her head off w/ him (mind you, I've been playing w/ her and getting some smiles and a few coos but certainly no laughing like that!) and then he goes off to his office to work ... he'll come out to make himself some breakfast ... eggs, french toast, whatever, and then come and sit with us while he eats it ... I have to scarf down my own breakfast of cereal and juice while taking care of Alyssa and then it takes an hour to make it through a cup of coffee because I am busy with her ... does he offer to make me any breakfast? No. (his response: I could ask.)
He takes a break part way through the day to go and get a drink (like a Coke or Red Bull or something, it's the equivelent to an iced coffee for us but he doesn't drink coffee) ... and then he will take a trip to the dump ... and then around 5 or so he will go to the grocery store to get fixings for dinner and come home and cook ... lucky me, right? Yes, in some ways. But while he's doing all of this, I am with Alyssa ... playing w/ her, taking care of her, and then getting her ready for bed which includes bathing and massaging and reading and feeding ... and then it's 7:30 and we're just sitting down to dinner, after which I wash the dishes, clean the kitchen, fold laundry, pump, wash and fill bottles ... what's he doing? Watching the Red Sox. (he will sometimes wash and fill bottles, empty the dishwasher, etc. so he DOES help, but not everyday, it's mostly my doing).
I try and talk to him about how I'm feeling and all I really get is a blank stare and then, "I DO help I do (insert list)."
YES, he does help ... he does his own laundry (but that is because he can't be bothered to sort it so that I can do it for him) ... he mops the floor (although he admits he can do it faster and better than I can and I HATE DOING IT so he just does it) and he cooks (but that's because I suck at cooking and he knows it plus he LOVES to cook) ... he takes care of the yard and the trash and the groceries (but mostly that because I come home w/ a lot of different things, hahaha, and also he likes to get out after being in his office all day and I can understand that ... however, he COULD take Alyssa sometimes, couldn't he?? He claims "it's just a hassle, it's faster if I just go alone." WELL, YEAH, NO KIDDING!)
Furthermore, I don't even get to go to yoga twice a week all the time. This past Thursday, for example, he had a meeting to go to for his Patriots games. Soon football season will pick up and he'll be gone a fair number of Sundays to go to his games. Which is fine!! He doesn't go out w/ the guys ever anymore ... he needs his time w/ his friends, definitely. BUT he DOES get some nice alone-time ALL DAY to do what he wants, eat without interruption, have some drinks, etc. I want to go to a friend's shower in CT in Sept during one of his games and I really, really don't want to take Alyssa w/ me (that's another story, I know I COULD and my friend doesn't mind at ALL) ... he tells me he has a game that day and he doesn't know if he'll be willing to skip that one. Thank you. But I DO get to go to yoga two nights later, he reminds me.
Annnnyway ... I'm just frustrated and a little stressed ... I know I'm her mommy and this is my job and I love it ... I just had to express.
Re: I'm feeling a little frustrated. vent.
Amye,
I've totally been in the same shoes as you are in now. My ex was a wonderful dad,and helped in alot of ways, but sometimes, you just want a little bit of a break or can feel VERY overwhelmed with things. Yes, you are a stay at home mom, and that does involve doing a few "more things" then your H does, but from what i am reading, it does look like everyone could benifit from him maybe doing a few more things.
The only thing I could suggest, for now, is show him what you typed out here, or write down your feelings sometime (if you get a break to do so). Maybe sometimes reading it will help a little better. Let him know you LOVE all that he does BUT....... Sometimes, our H's can feel like we are jumping on them if we try to talk to them about things, so if they read it, they can take it for what it's worth, with out feeling defensive. I dunno, just my 2 cents. Good Luck!
Oh I hear ya Amye! The fact of the matter is, most men (not all) just don't "get it". I was actually talking to Tom about this last night - Tom's a great guy, totally goes out of his way to do things for me or for the household, but when it comes to caring for Austin, he doesn't get it. I can probably count on my hand the number of times that he has gotten up in the night to change a diaper or burp Austin, put him down to bed by himself or a nap, bathed him by himself, or gotten him up from a nap. It's very frustrating. I think it is often why I am second guessing myself with things, because I have to make all the child-rearing decisions myself it seems, because when I talk it over with Tom he always say: "well, you are with Austin all the time so you know him best."
I'll play with Austin and barely get a smile out of him sometimes, Tom will play with him and he gets all sorts of noises and raspberries out of Austin - it's not fair!
I was so frustrated over the weekend with just being with Austin and I've been so tired from getting up all night long to feed him still, that I've finally hit a exhaustion wall. I laid down to take a nap yesterday (mind you I almost never nap, so I knew I was REALLY tired) and as soon as I laid down, Austin started crying...who went and got him? Me of course, while Tom laid there and took a nap himself! It was not nice at all! So I got really mad with Tom and handed Austin off to him and when Austin needed to go down for a nap, Tom brought him upstairs to put him down.
I knew he had no clue how to do it, so I walked in to find him just putting Austin in the bassinet, no story, no rocking, no song, nothing...so then I actually had to explain to Tom that he needed to get Austin drowsy with all of those things before putting him down and he needed to be consistent with the routine....so annoying that he didn't even know how to do it.
It is very daunting taking care of a child and men just don't get the fact that sometimes Mommy REALLY needs a break...
EXACTLY Lisa!!!!!!!
omg i just wrote out this long post to this and the effing nest didnt post it!
basically it said i totally feel like you do... i bust my ass and it basically goes unnoticed. and don gets to play with the boys and im the pearent and i never get a break either. welcome to motherhood i guess....
its so rare that i go out without the boys, maybe 1x a month, if that.... anywhere i go they are attached to my hip, which is fine, but a break once and a while would be great.
i cant tell you the last time i had a hot meal.... maybe one one of the rare nights that i get to go out with my girls.... but the last time was like 2 mos ago. but at home a hot meal hasnt been eaten by me in over 2 years.... dons is always hot though..... ugh, i think its a man thing, he also is a great hubby and dad, but i dont think he gets it. i tell him things and its in one ear and out the other it seems..... and then i get pissed at him and he doesnt know why.....
I have days where I go up one side of John and down the other because of many of the things that you mentioned. He does try to help out as much as he can when he can but it just always seems like days when he is home never seem to go as smoothly as they do when he's not (which is weird, but true). Having a husband is often a little bit like having an additional child, I always say!!!!
This week he is away for a meeting in Arizona for a few days and, truth be told, part of me is a little bit glad that we all can get back into our normal rythm after the crazy, life turned upside-down, weekend that we just had! It is a little more stressful because there are a few things that he does do on a daily basis that I will now have to do, but nothing earth shattering!
It's something that is a constant struggle for us to try and find the right balance for him between backing off and getting involved. I think it will probably always be that way, KWIM? I think everybody has some form of this!
laura i say the same thing, i have 2 kids and a husband, so its like 3 kids.... and now i have baby on the way.....
i get looks of sympathy from other moms, its kinda funny. but so freaking true
I'm not a mom (yet) so I can't begin to understand what you (and all you moms) are going through. BUT, my BFF is a SAHM to FIVE (yes, five) kids and I hear this same thing from her over, and over, and over again. She is a "work widow", DH is constantly working to pay for all those kids, and the big house they live in. When he IS home, he's so exhausted he doesn't do crap with the kids, or for the house. She does e v e r y t h i n g. When baby fusses (her DD is the exact same age as Alyssa), it's always her that jumps to soothe her, feed her, change her, etc.
While I think (and I know you know) you ARE lucky to have such a loving & devoted husband, and father to your baby, I think your feelings are completely justified and understandable. Letting him read your post is a GREAT idea. You acknowledge all he does for you and the family, but he also needs to understand what you still need. The opposite is true - i'm sure you would want him to communicate what he needs/wants from you, as well. You two seem to have a GREAT relationship, I hope he's receptive to your email to him. Let us know how it goes.
{HUGS} Amye....so sorry you are feeling frustrated. I myself feel the same way once in a while. It is a 24/7 job taking care of a baby, and a lot of time us mothers have to sacrifice more than the dads do for our babies. Matt is a great father, and we do try and share responsibilities, but I am always feeling like I am doing it all. Part of the reason is I have trouble letting go of some tasks.
A typical day for us is: Matt gets Kaelyn up and changes her diaper and brings her to me in bed. I then set up to pump one side while feeding her off of the other. He then leaves for work and then I get her dressed and come down and let her play on her pay mat while I eat breakfast next to her. She goes down for a nap about 2 hrs after getting up so then I take that time to quickly get myself ready for the day and try and do a few chores around the house. The rest of teh day is spent taking care of Kaelyn and doing house stuff/nesting/runnign errands. When Matt gets home we take turns on cooking dinner and playing with Kaelyn. Around 6:45 we BOTH bring her upstairs get her ready for her bath and we give are a bath TOGETHER. We love doing it together, it is our family bonding time every few nights. TOGETHER we get her into her PJs then I nurse her and read to her. Matt comes back up when I am done and we say our prayers then we but her to bed. When I am nursing her, Matt is in charge of cleaning up from dinner and picking up her toys that are all around the house for the day, then he plays some video games (it sometimes takes me 45 min to nurse her at night)
That being said, we do try and share responsibilities, but I still feel it is 60% me and 40% him. My Aunt told me once that never ask him "if" he would do something, because that leaves it open for a yes/no response. Instead say something like: "Do you want to do the dishes or change Kaelyn's diaper," they way you are each doing something to help out.
I hope that helps....your doing great as a mom and just be open and honest with your hubby...see you tomorrow.
Amye, I totally know how you feel! I feel the exact same way. It seems like all of us here have had these feelings. For whatever reason, the mom is usually the primary caretaker. Its not right, but it happens. After 18 months of doing just this.... it doesn't get any easier. You would think that once they can amuse themselves, and are somewhat independent you would feel alittle less stressed or overwhelmed, but thats not the case. Brianna is into EVERYTHING, so my stress tends to be making sure she doesn't fall off the toy car she's standing on, or shutting her fingers in the door, or that shes not annoying the dog too much. Its great to be with them all day, and have that bond with them but you do need a break. John just doesn't get that either. He thinks he has it so much worse because he works midnight to 8am.. and I"m constantly getting the line " But, I have to work tonight" when I ask him to watch her for 10 mins so I can fold laundry. Its so tough and we have our good days and bad. I'm still not giving up though. I think he should participate in her care just as much as I do and I don't think having to work is any excuse. They are only young once! But with that being said.. there are alot of things I've now learned to do with her, such as doing the laundry, folding it, vacuuming. I always try to turn it into a game, or try to teach her something. I"m sure that once Alyssa gets older you can do this too. But, yes it does take longer to do things because she is with me.
Its nice to know that other women feel the same way and my husband isn't the only one being a big a$$hole!! = )
I don't have time to write a long response, but let me say this...
I have been there. ?It drove me nuts. ?Eventually, I gave Larry certain Ben "tasks" to do because I needed a break. ?It's good for their bonding and better for Mommy's sanity. ?Larry gives Ben his bath most of the time, whether it's a work day or not and he loves doing it. (Partially, this is because the bending over the tub hurts because of the problems with my incision). ?Once he is done bathing him, he hands him to me and I give Ben his little massage and put his jammies on while Larry cleans out the tub.
Of course, it's been different since Larry is home for the Summer, he has been helping a ton more. ?But even during the school year, he helps with feeding and diapers and stuff. ?He's had to since day one, since when we came home I still wasn't in shape to take care of a baby. ?A lot of times he doesn't do things to my liking, but I am learning to grin and bear it because at least he is doing it.
I guess what I am getting at is that I don't think there's a Mom alive who hasn't been in your shoes at one time or another. ?We have the hardest job in the world and this is why it ticks me off to no end when people act like SAHM's are livin' the good life. ?IMHO, you have even more to do since you have to pump and feed her and deal with all that goes with pumping. ?I know that you are happy to do this for her, but it's just even more work for you.
I'm glad you sent this to him in an email. ?I hope that he understands that you just need help and that you think he's a great Dad. ?Good luck!!! ?Please let us know how it goes. ?I feel for you!?
I'm sorry!! Just know that we all have days like this! Jon is pretty good with Jack and does lots of things. He feeds him, changes him, etc however there are days that I feel like I am doing everything. It drives me crazy. We had one of those days this weekend. I told him that I would like him to do something without ME having to ask him to do it. I said I didn't mind asking him but wouldn't it be nice if I didn't have to ask....and feel like I was nagging him. I told him I shouldn't have to ask him to change the baby...just friggin change him...he understood and says he will try! Maybe, you can approach it that way....try saying that he is helpful (men like their egos to be stoked), but it would be even more helpful if you could try blank and blank....maybe pick a few things (for right now) that you would really like him to do....and just put those...men like short lists of things
too much things will put them on the defensive 
Good Luck!
That is really what's frosting my cookies, Michelle!! It pissses me off royally.