Same-Sex Households
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
have a question about a 3 yr old
hi ladies! i dont normally post here. but i have a friend/co-worker who is lesbian and has a 3 yr old daughter and needs some advice. Her daughter asked her mom (my friend) if she could have a girlfriend when she grows up. she understands that her daughter is only 3 yrs old but does ask lots of questions and is going to be confused as she gets older. my friends daughter calls her g/f "dad" and the g/f was getting freaked out. this is a complicated situation and she isn't sure what to do or what to tell her daughter...thanks for your help!!
Re: have a question about a 3 yr old
As far as answering the questions about having a girlfriend I think your friend should say something to the effect of "sure, you can have a girlfriend when you grow up. But you can also have a boyfriend when you grow up if that is what you want." There is no need to avoid the questions - just be honest.
As for calling g/f "dad" your friend should address that. Depending on how long g/f has been in the picture g/f might want to be there. What does g/f want to be called? Simply her first name? If that is the case than just explain that to the little girl.
She is three but she'll listen and by starting honest talks about this now there will be less confusion as she grows up. I hope that makes sense. I'm sure you'll get more thoughtful opinions on this tomorrow when the board wakes up again ;-)
It sounds like the first thing your friend needs to do it sit down with her g/f and get thier "plan" together and feel comfortable about it. The situation is not complicated unless they make it complicated and the daughter isn't going to be confused about anything unless they make her confused, kwim? Three year olds see things as very black and white and wont be embarassed/confused/ect about anything unless adults teach them they should feel that way. They need to figure out what would be appropriate for the child to call the g/f and start introducing that terminology...of course the child is going to call her dad if she's only ever known adult relationships as mom and dad. And as for asking if she'll have a girlfriend when she goes up, a simple "Maybe, or maybe you'll have a boyfriend instead" is all that needed. Its that easy! But, the key is for the adults in her life to be confident and clear.
Our three year old had a lot of questions at first too, but it wasn't coming from a place of judgement, just pure curiosity. A few simple, honest answers and now he doesnt think twice about it. In fact, he loves to tell everyone he meets (teachers, librarians, waitresses, bank tellers...) about how he has two moms - he thinks its the neatest thing
Blogs: Our Growing Family - CT Working Moms
Ditto this 100%.
Your friend needs to teach her daughter by example. When she asked questions like "Can I have a gf when I grow up?," the answer is simple: "Of course you can. Or if you want a boyfriend, you can have a boyfriend." She's only three! At this point she has no concept whatsoever of sexuality and just knows that some people have girlfriends and wonders if she can too. It's not dissimilar to a three year old asking, "When I grow up, can I be an astronaut?? Or a dinosaur??"
As for calling your friend's gf "dad" - that's something that your friend and her gf need to discuss. You refer to her as a "gf" - have they not been together long? Or is this your friend's longterm partner and/or second parent to the little girl? It's perfectly natural for the little girl to model the family titles that she sees all around her (in storybooks, on tv, and what she hears from friends) - which will usually be "mom" and "dad." So it's up to your friend and her gf to redirect her to a name that they feel is more appropriate. If they are just dating, maybe they can tell the little girl: "[NAME]'s name isn't 'dad,' it's [NAME]" If this gf is a second parent to the little girl, they should think about what name she's comfortable with - mama, mommy, baba, or maybe a word in another language for "mother" are all examples of titles I've heard of kids calling one of their two moms.
sahm ~ toddler breastfeeder ~ cloth diaperer ~ baby wearer
I totally agree with PP. Kids don't get confused - we make them confused with mixed messages.
In addition to the advice above, I'd have your friend read The Family Book by Todd Parr. It is a great book about different kinds of families.