Opinions needed, BM in SIL's wedding

MrsIH

Hi ladies,

I'm not sure if you remember my LONG post about the huge blow up I had with my SIL via her FB statuses... anyway, she had a huge reaction after I posted a comment on her status and when I called her to smooth things over she told me off and talked to me like I have never experienced before... LONG story.  All in all, it was pretty ridiculous and I won't go on too much further   In the end, I did stick it out and did not tell her I would step down as a BM in her wedding (I know.. I know... but I did not want to jeopardize too much in regards to MH's family, etc.)  Anyway, her wedding is coming up at the end of May and now that I'm pregnant things will change a bit... for one, the size too small dress that she bought me (my size wasn't avail.) will no longer fit (it fit fine in October), it's a short wrap dress so I don't even know if alterations can help me?  Also, she's getting jewelry made for myself and her MOH (!!)  She also asked me what my shoe size was.  We haven't told MH's parents about the news yet because we wanted to wait a bit to tell them (12 weeks or so) and we wanted to tell them in person as well.  Turns out we will tell them this weekend on Valentine's Day.  Shortly after that we will tell SIL (I have a feeling she will think we're stealing her thunder (because of the wedding) and we are really unsure how she'll feel about our news).  Opinions welcome, I am at a loss here...

MauiWedding08

how has your relationship been lately?

I was not a bridezilla and started out with an ok IL relationship - my SIL was a BM in our wedding and was pregnant.  The dresses had already been bought when she found out but since they were just casual jersey beach dresses I was just going to pick something different but SIL insisted it would still fit (strapless lightweight dress at 32 weeks!?! she was braver than I....), so that was nerve wracking.  Of course 1 month before she decided it wouldn't.  She luckily found something else that blended in, but if communication lines would have been better before it came to that everything would have been a lot smoother. 

You still have plenty of time, and perhaps it could be for the best, you could revert back saying you want a less prominant role (if that is what you want...) or consult with an alterations person??  But I'm glad you can tell your ILs this weekend because from experience the more planning time you have the better!!

MrsIH

MauiWedding08:

how has your relationship been lately?

I was not a bridezilla and started out with an ok IL relationship - my SIL was a BM in our wedding and was pregnant.  The dresses had already been bought when she found out but since they were just casual jersey beach dresses I was just going to pick something different but SIL insisted it would still fit (strapless lightweight dress at 32 weeks!?! she was braver than I....), so that was nerve wracking.  Of course 1 month before she decided it wouldn't.  She luckily found something else that blended in, but if communication lines would have been better before it came to that everything would have been a lot smoother. 

You still have plenty of time, and perhaps it could be for the best, you could revert back saying you want a less prominant role (if that is what you want...) or consult with an alterations person??  But I'm glad you can tell your ILs this weekend because from experience the more planning time you have the better!!

Thanks for the feedback. How has our relationship been... hmm, non-existent?  She did email me about my shoe size and I replied, also mentioning that we were going to book a hotel downtown so that we would be closer to the wedding venue, I asked if she had any suggestions... she never wrote back.  Also, with my nephew being born a couple weeks ago, she didn't comment on that at all, which is odd to me.  I'd say our relationship isn't too strong and I feel that MIL may have urged her into asking me to be a BM so it's too bad on both sides, hers and mine, that I'm in her wedding party in the first place (IMO...?)

Amy4773

UGH.  After your mail to me the other day this was the first place my mind went (after, of course, the "I knew it!!"  LOL).  You're just going to have to deal with her wrath, as I'm sure there will be some.  Tell her you're there for her and want to be in her wedding, but...well, ultimately you & Ian - and your LO-to-be - come first.  I know this is NOT going to be comfortable for you and I definitely feel for you.  Keep us posted....and HUGE hugs to you!!!

MauiWedding08

she sounds like such a peach!

Keep us posted, sound like gracefully backing out might be the best - save your sanity!!  haha!

mrspresley

ugh i remember her. sorry.

everyone is different and how much you will be showing is unpredictable, unfortunately... so you'd probably need a bigger size that they can take in if needed... sounds like it might be a dress that would also work as a maternity dress though?

honestly i would take this as a way out....once you let her know you are  PG tell her that you'd be more than willing to still be in the wedding but if she would rather have someone else who is not PG, then you would understand.

HulaLove

I remember your bratty SIL and her rude facebook comments.  I agree with Amy you're going to have to deal with her wrath.  Based on her past behaviour I think she's going to stomp her little feet and have a bridezilla temper tantrum.

I'm sorry this is going to be hard for you.  Enjoy telling your in laws your exciting news though!

cecig

mrspresley:

honestly i would take this as a way out....once you let her know you are  PG tell her that you'd be more than willing to still be in the wedding but if she would rather have someone else who is not PG, then you would understand.

I remember her too, and have to agree with Jaime. Maybe this is the perfect timing for an easy way out. You deserve to be happy and enjoy sharing the news with everyone, and not worry about how your SIL is going to react.

Surfinbride

Oh, yes, I remember your original post. She's a meanie. Try to put her out of your mind. It sounds like you and your H have much more to fill your mind with happy thoughts.

Here's my take. The dress is already ordered - wrong size and all. The shoes sound like they are in process. There is no point in telling her now. Things are done.

Go ahead with your news to the family on Valentine's Day. I wouldn't worry if she finds out later (next day, next week, next month... later). I have a feeling that she'll make her decision regardless of your input.

And, after her rude FB comments, I hope all of her bridesmaids are perfectly round pregnant ladies. I'm a photographer. I've seen pregnant bridesmaids steal the show because they looked so beautiful. One bride's best friend was due! The dress was made perfectly for her. It had a sash just under her bustline with a bow in the back. The silk really enhanced her round belly. We took pics of the bride kissing her belly. Very cute.

MrsIH

Thank you all for your wonderful, sound advice... Nancy, thank you so much, what you said was great to hear.  Makes me believe that it will ALL work out, just hoping we're all happy in the end

Married2MrWright

MrsIH:

MauiWedding08:

how has your relationship been lately?

I was not a bridezilla and started out with an ok IL relationship - my SIL was a BM in our wedding and was pregnant.  The dresses had already been bought when she found out but since they were just casual jersey beach dresses I was just going to pick something different but SIL insisted it would still fit (strapless lightweight dress at 32 weeks!?! she was braver than I....), so that was nerve wracking.  Of course 1 month before she decided it wouldn't.  She luckily found something else that blended in, but if communication lines would have been better before it came to that everything would have been a lot smoother. 

You still have plenty of time, and perhaps it could be for the best, you could revert back saying you want a less prominant role (if that is what you want...) or consult with an alterations person??  But I'm glad you can tell your ILs this weekend because from experience the more planning time you have the better!!

Thanks for the feedback. How has our relationship been... hmm, non-existent?  She did email me about my shoe size and I replied, also mentioning that we were going to book a hotel downtown so that we would be closer to the wedding venue, I asked if she had any suggestions... she never wrote back.  Also, with my nephew being born a couple weeks ago, she didn't comment on that at all, which is odd to me.  I'd say our relationship isn't too strong and I feel that MIL may have urged her into asking me to be a BM so it's too bad on both sides, hers and mine, that I'm in her wedding party in the first place (IMO...?)

Given the current status of your relationship with her AND the fact that you'll be nearing your third tri by her wedding (and who knows?  You might not be allowed to travel, be on bed rest, etc.  We hope not, but you never know at this point)...once you announce your PG I'd use the opportunity to bow out gracefully as her BM.  Sounds like you don't really have a burning desire to do it anyway and perhaps she was pressured by your MIL to ask you in the first place.  I wasn't in the bridal party when my brother married his wife, which was fine by me.  I did sing in their wedding and assist with the guest book and such.  I was involved and didn't feel left out because I wasn't in the BP.

chikarakobu

Surfinbride:

Oh, yes, I remember your original post. She's a meanie. Try to put her out of your mind. It sounds like you and your H have much more to fill your mind with happy thoughts.

Here's my take. The dress is already ordered - wrong size and all. The shoes sound like they are in process. There is no point in telling her now. Things are done.

Go ahead with your news to the family on Valentine's Day. I wouldn't worry if she finds out later (next day, next week, next month... later). I have a feeling that she'll make her decision regardless of your input.

Ah yes, I remember that post!  I agree with this.  I think either way, she's going to get upset and be a bridezilla about it.  I hope this doesn't cause you too much stress, Tara!