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TTC dilemma (Dh deploying)
Hi ladies-
DH is slated to deploy at the end of this year. Kai turns 2 next week (where did the time go). I miscarried in Dec so we were TTC #2. Now with this deployment I am not sure it is a good idea. 
I am not sure I could take care of a new baby and a toddler by myself. I want Kai to have all the time with me he needs because of the deployment. I dont want him to have too many life changes However, I just turned 35 and DH 38. If we wait to TTC until he gets back then I will be almost 38 when I deliver (and thats assuming everything works okay). Right now, my cycles are so short (3 days) and off. I have an appt with the OB next week to talk about freezing DHs sperm (yes I am doing this) and to see if they can see how many eggs I have and quality. I am not sure it is even possible to do that. We really wanted 3 kiddos too. DH said for me to get inseminated while he is gone. lol (he wasnt kidding). I said, oh yeah that will look great to your unit- your gone for a year and you coem back and your wife is PG. lol
In the post below some of you mentioned 4-5 years apart is too much between siblings. Can I ask why? I was afraid of that. My sister and I are 9 years and my brother 11 years (same parents but mom had infertility issues). Although we love it, it did feel like I was a mother to them.
Also for any of you following this issue (deployment). DH made it to 29 years in the military last month. Yeah!!! BUT our crappy Gov of CA furloughed (paycut) DHs normal job and it is not financially wise for DH to retire with the military now. I hate Arnold!
Re: TTC dilemma (Dh deploying)
I am sorry you are in this tough situation. I am so thankful for the men and women who serve our country like your DH.
do you know what kind of infertility issues your mom had? unfortunately there is no way to find out about your egg quality except to put an embryo in there and see if you make a healthy baby
they can test for diminshed ovarian reserve though, by checking your FSH (blood must be drawn around CD3)...but even then i don't think there is a way to actually know the exact number of eggs you have left.
I guess that yeah, it would be kind of funny for YH to leave and for you to get PG while he is gone, but we don't live in the dark ages and i am sure that if that is what you decided was best for you guys, that people would understand.
that said, i mentioned in my post below that my brother and i are 4yr9mos apart (so is DH and his sister)... i don't think it is too far apart to the point where i thought i wish i had another sibling when i was younger. we still played a lot as kids but we were never in middle school or HS together and sometimes i wish we were. i just think having kids closer together is better so they can play together, be friends, etc. but they can still do that at 4-5 yrs apart. it's just easier for one to pick on the other if there is a bigger age gap IMO
plus my brother was really anxious to have a sibling and was soooo disappointed when i was born and all i did was lay around 
everyone is different and you have to make the decision for yourself, but i feel like the bigger issue here is not about the kids being too far apart in age...b/c really, 4-5 yrs is not that bad...but the issue is more that you are 35 right now. i don't know what your mom went through but given the family history of infertility, along w/your age, i would personally want to have another child sooner rather than later if you are sure you want a second. the risk of problems goes up exponentially after the age of 35 so the sooner you have a baby, the better the chances that he/she will be born healthy. sure, it's not like the day after you are 35 a switch goes off and all chances of a healthy baby are gone, but like i said...the risks do go up exponentially.
Jaime & Brent
Oahu, Hawaii | Sept. 9, 2005
My Food Blog - Good Eats 'n Sweet Treats
aimee-good to hear from you-sorry that you are faced with such a challenging situation.
my first instinct is that 38 is really not old at all to deliver a second baby-my friend just had her 4th at 41, my other friend her 2nd at 39 and both have happy babies healthy pregnancies etc....my 41 yr old friend had a history of difficult pregnancies and miscarriages etc...and was actually trying to conceive with a fertility dr-had 3 or 4 miscarriages-then decided to take a break (she was marrying her 2nd husband) and got pregnant naturally without even trying-go figure, however with infertility issues in your family it may be wise to get this checked out and see if you can get a clearer idea of your own body and any issues that you may or may not have. you may be fine and there may be no need to worry.
with respect to your worries about having a newborn while your hubby is gone and dealing with a toddler-that could be challenging and definitely something to take into consideration.
good luck-i am certain you will find the right answer
my brother and I were never super close growing up, but we have become closer now that we are both older. we're not best friends or anything, but definitely closer than we used to be.
Jaime & Brent
Oahu, Hawaii | Sept. 9, 2005
My Food Blog - Good Eats 'n Sweet Treats
Aw hon, I'm sorry - this is a really challenging situation! I honestly don't know what advice to give because I can understand both sides of the problem (i.e., struggling with two kids on your own vs waiting until you're older than you'd like to be).
My brother and I are nearly 5 years apart - I'm older, he's the baby of the family. I think this pretty much sums it up:
My brother and I have gotten a bit closer as we've gotten older, but we were never really all that close as children - there was too much of an age gap to make playing together, etc., enjoyable for either of us. And as the older child, I will admit that I found it annoying to be expected to help raise him - by that I mean help change him, babysit him, etc. Maybe that's selfish, and I know that in a large part it was due to my mom being a single parent, but it's true. My sister and I (2 year age gap - she's older) never had any of these problems.
It's so hard to plan around creating a family. It is one thing in life that is impossible to predict the outcome. Some young women have infertility issues. Some teens get PG without trying. Some women in their 40s have tried for 20 years and the drs can't figure out why they can't have a successful pregnancy. Then, there are women over 40 who have a baby naturally (no hormones or fertility treatments). I think it is more complicated now b/c you do have choices about freezing or having a donor.
When is the right time? If you could wave a magic wand and have a perfectly healthy baby on a specific date, what would it be? If it's before that, do you know how you'll manage?
I ended up being a single mom (bad divorce when daughter was born). It was really hard. If your H is deployed, you'll be the only one to get up every 3 hours through the night, do all of the diaper changes, feeding, baths, carrying and entertaining - plus housework, yardwork, shopping. It is a miracle if you get to eat before 3pm. It's even harder to take a shower. My daughter cried the second she was put down. I would have to put the bassinet in the bathroom and listen to her cry. When she was older, I would drag the swing in there... or the little jumper. It was the best I could do.
I know you are strong enough to care for two little ones. Just consider all of the what ifs. Make sure that you have some help. Do you have family or a best friend that would spend the night a few times in the first month? What if you end up with a Csection? Who will take care of you? Can you arrange for a nanny? If not, do you have a babysitter who can at least pitch in for a couple of hours a week? Think it through.
Newlyweds since 2007
I don't have much advice . . . & I don't have much knowledge about fertility as you get older, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but my brother and I are 9 years apart. My parents planned to have me earlier than that (I think maybe 3-4 years after my brother was born), but it never happened. They didn't think they were going to have another one... in fact my mom thought she had the stomach flu when she was PG with me.
My brother and I have gotten closer over the years, like others have said, but we aren't close like I wish we were. I can turn to him if I need help and I know he'll be there instantly, but I wouldn't call him up to chit chat or ask for advice or anything. I wish I had a sibling that I was really close to.
On the other hand, I canNOT imagine raising a 2nd baby on my own. I give single mamas so much credit. Just having another pair of hands to carry baby for FIVE minutes is wonderful. . .
Good luck to you in your decision!
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I love Hawaii!
Tara & Ian . 4/24/2008 . The Kahala Planning . Married
All of this is why I am leaning towards waiting.
Although Kai was a wonderful baby, he always wanted to be held (gets it from me) and he just started sleeping in 5 hour stretches at night. Yep and the child is almost 2 years old!! I fear I would have another like that and I would jump off a bridge if I had to do it alone. It took both DH and I to get through the nights with Kai. Plus I also have to think what if something were to happen to DH ...like the worst case scenario, I would be left with 2 little ones by myself or what if DH was injured....2 kids and DH. But that dang age thing WORRIES the crap out of me.
In my case I wouldn't say so, no. It's not that we didn't play together or have fun (the poor little tyke got dressed in drag a lot as a kid lol), but we just experienced things at such different times - whereas with the 2 year gap with my sister (and I think this would have been the same if she was male), we tended to go through more things together, and I think that created a stronger bond.
My brother is 10 years older than me; sister is 8 older than me. I looked up to my sister when I was little. As a kid, they seemed MUCH older than me. By the time I was in college, we had more common ground. I didn't do much with my brother growing up - different interests and he's mensa smart. He and my sister were buddies when they were very young. By 10 and 12, they had very different social circles and picked on each other.
My H grew up apart from his older brother and sister (parents divorced; bro 10 years older; sis 12 years older). They all live in the same area and get along well. He and his brother are the exact same, personality wise.
Sometimes, I wish I grew up with a sibling close in age. Remember when you wanted to be a twin? It seems like all of us imagine the perfect playmate-best friend-sibling. Some get that. Some get the fighting champion. One of my BFFs had brothers. The older brothers were so good and kind. They always looked out for us. The brother that was close in age was a ****. He would hit her, push her, take her things, break toys, change the channel... on and on, daily misery. I think they hated each other until college. Now, they are friends. You never know what you'll get.
Newlyweds since 2007
I hope you can come up with a plan that you feel comfortable with, it would be really hard to be alone but lots of people do it and manage so I have no doubts you could too if that is what you decide you want to do.
I am 6.5 years older than my sister, we are close now but were not best friends when growing up - obviously age has something to do with it, but we also like very different things and had different childhood interests and hobbies. I doubt we would have been even if we were closer in age and my mom would probably agree - she agrees that we are about as different as 2 kids could be. I know she looked up to me, and we did do a lot of fun stuff together but even if we had been closer in age I'm still not sure we would have been super close.
Also MH has shared his sibling experiences when were discussing how far apart we might want our kids to be. He has a sister that is 17 months younger than him (1 year behind him in school). I know it could have a lot to do with the fact they are not the same gender but I know they were not super close and the close age group actually might have caused some conflicts. Their parents often made sure they were always on the same rec league sports teams (so they - especially she - didn't have a ton of free choice to decide what she might want to do). She always wanted to tag along with him (probably b/c his parents kind of forced it) but of course he didn't want his little sister tagging along. By HS it was the same issues but they were in pretty different circles and she often felt left out and I guess she also sometimes felt marginalized because the teachers always compared them and she didn't do as well in school. To this day she will sometimes make off hand comments about him being everyone's favorite. This could all have to do with gender and the way they were raised, but it does make me think I want to put a few years between any any future kids and this baby.
DH also has a sister that is 12 years younger, she resents the fact that she "never got to know him" but that couldn't really be helped, she was just starting grade school when he left for college. I'm sure as she matures they will become closer but she really holds some resentment that she doesn't really know him and that they are not close. I don't really know how that could have been helped...
Wow Amy...I think you're instinct to wait is a good one. 38 is not THAT old to have another baby. That said, I hope to be done by then myself, but we only plan on one more pregnancy (God willing).
If you didn't wait and did get PG, would you have help with Kai? And would you have physical/emotional support throughout your pregnancy and when the new baby comes? If so, then that may be an option, but you really have to do what's best for you and your LO as well as your DH. If something were to go wrong with the PG (say you needed bed rest), etc. How would you handle it? How would DH? I would run those scenarios...just in case.
Will DH ever get leave during his deployment? Would TTC during that time be possible? See what happens?
As for length between babies...I think you can make whatever distance between babies work...DH is 5 years older than his sister and they are close. I am 1.5 years older than my younger brother (and have a twin brother as well as two step-siblings...one a year older than me and one a year younger) and while we were close as children we are not really in touch as adults (more his issue than mine). So...age is just ONE factor. My BFF is 4 years older than her brother and she thinks it was nice because they were not in "competition" with each other growing up...i.e. he was in middle school and she was in high school; he was in high school, she was in college, etc.
GL! Whatever happens, you'll be great and Kai and Sean and you will figure it all out. (((HUGS)))
TTC/PG Blog | Mommy Blog
I grew up with my two brothers (my twin and our younger half brother who is 1.5 years younger...it's a whole Jerry Springer episode that I won't get into right now). Growing up my twin and I were like oil and water...and even into our late teens/early 20's couldn't really be in the same room together for more than 10 minutes without getting into it. Once he married and had kids, we had a meeting of the minds, and things drastically changed. We're not BFFs but we're quite close and talk about once a month.
My younger brother and I were EXTREMELY close growing up but when I went off to college he somehow resented me for adandoning him (to be fair my mom was getting divorced at the time and was in an extreme depression which my brother had no idea how to cope with and I, the "family fixer" was gone and off to college 1000 miles away). We love each other but he's not a great communicator and we barely talk (our communication exists of brief text messages and FB notes...which is MORE than he does with our mom and our brother).
My step-siblings I am not close with at all...I never grew up with them and was only around them during my summer visits at my father's home. In my world they're sort of like the distant cousin that you hear updates about through the grapevine.
I also have three adopted siblings, the eldest is 16 and the youngest is 6. We barely know each other. That said the 16 year old FB'd me and so we've been chatting of and on that way, which is fun.
TTC/PG Blog | Mommy Blog
I feel your pain on being 35 - I turned 35 this past October.. and although MH and I want to have some kiddies.. we've decided on the wait for "Oh $hhtt" convo for the first year or two and if nothing happens then we'll look a little further into TTC. Some days, I do feel old and I worry, and other days, I know I should be just fine since modern medicine is so much more advanced than our parents' time.
As far as sibling closeness - my sisters and I are all close - we talk at least a few times a month. They're both younger, one 2 years younger, the other 7 years younger. My brother is 2 years older, and we barely talk. I call him for get togethers at family functions.
Good luck with your decisions.. and at 35, we'redefinitely not old!!
Age isn't what is going to make a bond closer or not-so-close. IMHO, it's the parenting and family 'style'. MH has 3 siblings, they are all withing 2 years of each other (50, 48, 46, and 44 now) and NONE OF THEM GET ALONG. There are 3 boys and a girl so not sure how gender plays into it, but I seriously do not think that age is necessarily always a factor.