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BR: need some support...or something...
I had a bit of a breakdown last night. Things have gotten so hard in the last week - just so incredibly hard. Physically I'm at the 40-week point, and it's starting to wear on me.
It's not just discomfort - I'm in constant pain from one body part or another...the heavy inflammation in my ribs, the huge strain that my stomach muscles are under, back aches from hell, the insane pelvic soreness that actually brings me to tears (it's so bad that I had to ask Ben to lift my legs onto the couch and onto the bed last night - I literally couldn't do it by myself). I was so tired and frustrated and hurting last night that I actually started crying hysterically at the foot of the stairs when I looked up and realized that I had to walk up them before I could take a warm shower or get in bed.
I think about the fact that I have about another 7 weeks to go, and although intellectually I know that 7 weeks isn't long at all, the idea of trying to cope for another two months makes me want to burst into tears. I just don't know how I can do this. I feel so incredibly miserable right now, I have no idea how I can keep going for that long.
I feel so weak complaining. I lurk on the Multiples board and I never see anyone else saying anything even remotely like this - I feel like I'm letting down the team, like I'm not being as strong as I should be. Women in third world countries in grass huts have twins, and I feel like such a loser in my inability to cope.
And I feel guilty for wishing I wasn't pregnant anymore. What I mean is...I wish this pregnancy was over, I wish they were born. I don't really because I know that 28 weeks is way too early, but I wish that I could magically skip ahead another two months and have this be all over and done with. I know this will get even harder and I'm dreading it. I only have another 2 weeks left of work, and I'm sure it will help when I stop (I'd stop earlier if we could afford for me not to be paid for 2 weeks, but we can't), but it still won't be that much easier.
I'm not quite sure why I'm writing all of this...I guess because I just feel desperately in need of some encouragement or emotional support right now (don't get me wrong, Ben has been amazing, but I just need it from someone who has been there, you know?).
Re: BR: need some support...or something...
Lisa, I'm not pregnant and I haven't had kids, so I can't give you the "kids are the most precious gift in the world speech". Right now, I don't believe that, but that's probably because I teach teens, so I know what you're really in for 12 years down the line... but I hope that I can give you this:
1) You're human, not a superhero. I think there's this ridiculous idea attached to motherhood that women are supposed to be all glowing and thankful for every moment, and that aches and pains are nothing. Bullsh!t, I says. Women used to die from this. It's NOT nothing.
2) There's no reason that you need to live up to some silly ideal that pregnancy is all a hunky dory joy and that women should treasure every moment. You feel what you feel, and that's okay. It doesn't make you a bad mother, it won't make you love your kids less and your pain has NOTHING to do with people who have problems conceiving. So, don't beat yourself up over this.
Alyson & Phil | Planning Bio | Married Bio!
Dates & Quinces Blog
I wish I had something brilliant and helpful to say. I can imagine it's tough carrying 2 babies! I never got to a point in pregnancy where I didn't like it anymore, and since my pregnancy ended 8 weeks before I expected it to, I really felt a sense of loss over those last 8 weeks.
I guess the best thing I can say is that although its tough, pregnancy is a very temporary situation. I can promise you that whatever you feel right now, if those babies were born tomorrow, you would feel absolutely awful, like your body failed you (lurk on the Preemies board any given day, and you will hear about the painful guilt those mamas feel). When you feel like you can't stand it anymore, just feel proud that you are persevering and doing the best thing you can do for your babies right now. Even if you feel like you're weak, know your body is strong and it's doing an awesome job of growing your babes.
Other than that, hang in there. I know it seems like forever, but one day you'll look back and think "AW! Remember when I was pregnant?! That was so cool!" and you'll forget about all the bad stuff. Get as much rest as possible and get Ben to give you lots of foot rubs and back massages. And ice cream. And whatever else your heart desires. He has to do it...you're PREGNANT WITH TWINS (awesome excuse to not do much of anything)!!
I'm sorry you're in such pain. I can't even imagine... especially having to work 2 more weeks.
My sister had twins 3 months early and that was after being on bed rest in the hospital for an entire month. She was absolutely miserable... even had to have her hair cut by our aunt as she laid in that bed. She wouldn't even see her friends. I agree that focusing on the great service you're doing your babies by enduring might help. But I also think that carrying twins is a heavy burden on any woman's body. (My nieces were born at just 1 lb. 13 oz. and 2 lbs. 2 oz., so I know I rejoiced every day this LO grew past that!)
I send you a hug and hope you can make it as long as possible without hurting too much. And grow babies grow!
| Olowalu, Maui ~ August 6, 2008 |
| Family of 4 ~ April 2, 2011 |
| Family of 5 - October 24, 2012 |
Oh Lisa, big hugs. At 38 weeks I was feeling like that too...and literally made myself sick complaining....but I hurt...all over and was cranky from no sleep.
Once you're done with work it should get better because you can just lie around and sleep when you can, etc. I was hesitant to take the week off of work that I was orginally scheduled to be induced after it was moved, but in retrospect, I was glad that I did. My body and mind greatly benefitted.
Is there anyway you can go out now? Do you think you can make it two more weeks? There is no shame in knowing your limits.
As for the multiple board...I am surprised no one else is feeling like you. Have you tried posting this over there? I'd think that several of them could relate.
Finally, is there anyone in town that offers prenatal massage? If so, perhaps you could get one...I know it GREATLY helped my aches and pains, not to mention my mental state too.
Hang in there...you're in the final stretch!
TTC/PG Blog | Mommy Blog
Thank you so much to everyone...you really don't know how much it means to me right now to get such support!
Kaesha, I especially want to say thank you for this:
You're so right about this. It's such a struggle sometimes because it feels like when I look around all I see are happy happy pregnant women and all I want to do is scream, "Are you kidding me? Do you know how I feel? Doesn't anyone else feel this?" It's not that I want everyone to be all focused on the negatives, but I feel this overwhelming pressure for this to be the Best Time Of My Life...that I should be glowing and thrilled and be out there running marathons and hand knitting all of the baby clothes and still making a fabulous dinner every night. That might sound bizarre...it's just the impression that I get sometimes (from society, not the ladies on this board).
I haven't tried posting this on the multiples board, simply because I only lurk there and don't post. It's a pretty tight-knit group (understandably) and I'm not sure how well received it would be for a stranger to start out by posting a huge whiny rant.
Nowhere here offers prenatal massage, at least not that I'm aware of. Downside of living in a town with a population of only 28k.
oh Lisa, I'm so sorry! I started tearing up reading this, remembering what I was like, and I was only carrying one. I agree with whoever said that we are not superwomen - we are human, have feelings and real aches and pains! I finally got a back brace about 3 days before I delivered. Have you talked to your doc to see if there is something, anything like a brace or something that can help with the pain? Mentally it drains you too, I remember that... hang in there - and FWIW, I think crying definitely helped me get out a lot of my frustrations and hormones in the 3rd trimester.
HUGS!
Amen to this Keasha :)
"You're human, not a superhero. I think there's this ridiculous idea attached to motherhood that women are supposed to be all glowing and thankful for every moment, and that aches and pains are nothing. Bullsh!t, I says. Women used to die from this. It's NOT nothing."
Lisa - I'm sorry you're having a rough time and hate to tell you this little secret...but once the babies are born...you STILL never feel like you're doing it "right", there's always that guilt in the back of your head because you're not loving each and every second of each and every diaper change.
It's ok. You're ok. This will all pass. You're exactly where you need to be. Your babies are putting a ton of physical pressure on you, no need to add to it by putting pressure on yourself by thinking you should be feeling anything other than what you are.
Cerclage placed @ 21w6d due to CI (IC)
Get it out girl! I am so sorry that you are in so much pain and discomfort. I know it's easier said, but it will be over before you know it.Your little babies will be here and you will forget about all this discomfort you are in.
You are a strong woman and can do it! I know you can!!! Keep strong and know you are doing this for those two little precious babies!
There is no such thing as perfect in pregnancy. There are amazing moments - the flutters that grow into strong kicks, the shape of your belly, the heartbeat(s), the dreams. There are also many unexpected hurdles.
It is nice to have a board like this where people can be honest. I think that there are plenty of women that you see every day who are struggling. Their lives look perfect because they would not say anything or burden anyone else with their problems.
When I was at work, people commented how great I had it. My pregnancy looked easy. I could still tie my shoes and shave everything from ankle to hipbone. My work schedule did not change. I got a lot done. People joked that I didn't look pregnant from behind and probably was wearing normal jeans (not).
The truth was that my husband was having an affair. The reason that I didn't get big was because I felt sick. When I managed to get food down, it didn't stay long. To get to work, I had to pull my car off the road while commuting. Sometimes, I was crying so hard I couldn't see to safely drive. I would stop at a gas station on the hour long commute to pick up Visine and waterproof mascara on the days I forgot. I slapped on makeup and put on a brave face. When people told me how great my husband was, I just smiled and stayed quiet. No one knew. I felt trapped in a pregnant lady's body. I could not think about the shocking horror that was my life. If I thought about it, I got physically ill and dizzy. That couldn't be good for the baby. My mission was to provide a safe environment for baby to grow. I felt like Biosphere. For the last half of my pregnancy, I had no peace. I was worried that the stress would hurt the baby.
My most hopeful moment was just before birth when my OB told me to go to the breastfeeding center and talk to a coordinator about a pregnancy plan. Guess what? I don't think it was so much a coordinator as a counselor. I had never been to one. She put my feet up on a stool (which apparently made me so comfy, I was compelled to buy one). She was the first person I talked to about what was going on. It was quiet one-on-one time. I never had that! I had a moment of peace.
I highly suggest finding a counselor. It is better to talk to someone who is not involved in your life. We are also a good place to talk. I don't think that the people close to you are the best able to help you. There is a different dynamic. You don't won't to burden them - they don't want to upset you. Yes, you can let them know how you feel... but, it does not replace a counselor.
I don't know how things work where you are. Our hospital had a breastfeeding center. Within that, they had a store for nursing supplies. They also had lactation consultants and the coordinator that met with me. Can you call your doctor's office tomorrow and ask what resources are available?
Please don't think other moms are supermoms. They just hold their chin up, put it on auto-pilot and make it look better than it is.
Much love to you!
Newlyweds since 2007
Nancy, thank you so much for writing all of that. I honestly can't even begin to imagine what a hard time that must have been for you - I think you are incredibly strong for coping with all of that, and I'm not just saying that.
And I think this is also very true:
I'm seeing my doctor on Monday, so I might ask him then about any resources that are available. I really wish there was a MoMs group in my area...I think that might help, too.
You know, all of this reminded me of something a friend told me about when she had her first child. She went to the grocery store and she was just SO exhausted - so sleep deprived, hadn't showered in days, etc - and everywhere she looked there were these other new moms dressed up to the nines, pushing perfectly put-together babies in pretty strollers, laughing and chatting like normal. My friend broke down crying in the middle of the grocery store. She didn't understand why everyone else seemed to be doing fine and she wasn't, why it seemed like it was so much easier for everyone else. Then 6 months or a year later, she mentioned this to someone she knew - and that person told her that they'd had the exact same experience. And so had everyone else that they knew, including those people who seemed to have it all together.
Sometimes I wish that we didn't feel such a pressure to keep up this "everything is fabulous!" exterior, especially when it's not.
First of all *BiG HUGS whilst leaning REAAALLLLY far forward because of our huge bumps in the way*
There's been a few comments here that I wholeheartedly agree with, one of them being that other mums seem to make it look effortless and wonderful.
These women are doing a disservice to other women when they try to appear as if they're on top of things and that 'motherhood is SO much like a Johnston and Johnston commercial'.
It IS the most wonderful thing in the world...it is also the most freakin hardest (good English, no?). I don't think any mum feels like she has this motherhood thing down pat. In fact, you're gonna be questioning yourself at a lot of turns hon...that's just life for ya in a mummy-nutshell.
I second seeing if you can be referred to a counsellor. If there's any time in your life where there's no such thing as 'too much support'...this is it. Round up as MUCH support to prop you (and Ben) up as possible...even IF you don't end up needing it all.
You need pampering girl, even if it is self-pampering. Baths with relaxing bath oils for your aches and pains and the like. Nurture yourself even more than you might be doing now. Go easier on yourself, this isn't a sporting event that you have to 'win' or get a 'personal best' in.
I would see someone re. your pelvic pain too hon. Let me callmy remedial massage therapist ( the one who took away my own pelvic pain) and see what he can recommend in the way of treatment/practioners in your area.
Oh, Lisa! Hang in there. I can't write long b/c I am too tired (Alexa is sick and did not sleep well) and I have to pump and am about to pass out... See what you have to look forward to? At least my body is not in pain... Well, my neck is sore because I was so tired last night that I fell asleep in my glider while nursing her! But, other than that...
You WILL get there! And trust me when I say that you will not remember the details of all the pregnancy pain you are going through. I did not have it as bad as you, but I was 10 months pg in August in DC, and that in an of itself is horrid!
Anyway, pp's are right that you should not beat yourself up over this. Pg is hard. On the bright side, this might be your only time pg if you guys stop with the twins! So... Think about it that way. You are getting it all over with! And if you ever have a singleton afterward, think how much EASIER it will be! :-)
Malia & Dave & Alexa
Happily married since 2-17-08! Three since 9-9-09!
Baby Blog
you've already gotten some great advice...just wanted to reiterate that every PG is different...between every woman and even between each child with an indiv. woman.... so don't try to compare yourself to others...how do you know that some don't feel just like you do and are reluctant to post the same thing? i can't imagine carrying two babies..i had a hard enough time carrying one.
is there anywhere you can sleep downstairs? like a guest room? or even a couch if that isn't too uncomfortable? maybe move down there til the babies come so you don't have to keep going up the stairs? i remember how hard it was to go up them at the end and just wondered how i would make it to the end of the PG.
just remember that what you are going through is normal and you should not feel like you are letting anyone down or anything. if anything, i agree w/lori about taking leave earlier if possible. i know that cuts into your time w/the babies, but if you are so stressed out, it's not good for them and they may come too early and you don't want that. you need to do what's best for them....which means doing what is best for you right now.
feel free to vent anytime here. i gained over 31% of my pre-PG body weight when i was PG and had such a hard time carrying just the one baby so i know hard hard it must be for you to feel like you are carrying a term baby right now but still have several weeks to go. just remember that you can do it and that you need to take care of yourself in order to do so. *hugs*
Jaime & Brent
Oahu, Hawaii | Sept. 9, 2005
My Food Blog - Good Eats 'n Sweet Treats
I just want to say thank you to everyone again...you guys really don't know what this support means to me right now!
Yes and no. I've thought of this, but it doesn't really work out that well. I've tried sleeping on a mattress in the living room, but it's too hard for me to get up off the floor multiple times a night to pee. I could sleep on one of the couches, but even though they're pretty large and squishy, they're still a bit narrow for me, my pillow fort (I pad just about every square inch of my body with various pillows at night lol) plus my massive belly. The other problem is that although there's a toilet downstairs, both showers are upstairs - so I'd still have to go upstairs at least once a day (if not twice since I'm enjoying morning and night showers right now - they help to relax my aching muscles). So unfortunately I don't think it would really make much of a difference.
I'm coming in late here and don't have anything to say that hasn't been said already but I wanted to say Hang in there girl! I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. Also, when you get written out of work, I think that will make a world of difference!!! At least it did for me. I was beginning to be a mess. It was too much physically and then it started to get to me mentally. Since I've been written out, I'm like a new person. I don't know how other women do it, even if they do have desk jobs. Knowing what I know about you, you need to make sure you are resting and not keeping yourself busy doing things around the house!
Keep your chin up mama!