Just Wondering

Brittanykay15

If anyone experienced sexual abuse as a child/teenager before getting married, how that affected your sex life with your spouse? Did you experience any flashbacks during sex with your husband? Did it take awhile for sex to be "redeemed" or was did you never relate the two?

MKESweetie

{I am going to answer your questions as though you were asking for yourself, but I know that it is totally possible you're asking for a friend, or a sister. It would just get too confusing if I tried to type "you/your sister/your friend/any survivor" every time.}

I think that these things vary from one survivor of sexual abuse to another, but if you're concerned, I highly recommend finding a counselor. There are a lot of counselors that specialize in adult survivors of sexual abuse/violence. If you need help finding one, contact RAINN or your local sexual assault/domestic violence hotline.

It is not uncommon to experience flashbacks at any time (even during the most mundane taks), and esepcially during sex, and sexual activities. If you're worried about this, please talk to your partner before hand. I would recommend doing this any time other than sexy-time...doing it right before sex is likely to make both of you very nervous. 

Telling your partner can be a really scary and intimidating thing. If you're wondering how to do it, or you worried about how he will react, you could always talk to your counselor again. Or, call RAINN or a local hotline; they'll be able to help you work through this. Again, I think it is best to do it during a down time, rather than right before sex.

I think it is in our nature, as partners, to feel very protective of each other, and I am sure your DH/FI will experience a wide array of emotions. My hope for you is that when you tell him (assuming you have not) is that he will be very supportive and sensitive. Remember that this might be (have been) a huge shock for him, and it might leave him wondering how to approach you, specifically in a sexual way. Once you tell him, you're going to need to provide him a lot of "direction" sexually speaking. Reassure him that what he is doing is ok, and even good (assuming it is), and don't be afraid to tell him when things are going too fast, or too far.

Again, there is no one way for a survivor of sexual assault/violence to react and to address the situation in the future. You will find the way, and the time, that is right for you. Best of luck to you. 

 

DCMcQueen

unfortunately dear i dont think theres too much advice anyone could give that could help you too much, as every person is different. Some can react by not wanting sex, or being afraid,some can act with a higher sex drive... in my case... it can be a bit of both. My situation was in no way as extreme as I'm sure most cases are, and mine were more about physical abuse then anything, but my experiences I believe are part of the reason for my sex "overdrive"... but on the other hand, I do tend to freak out and get afraid at times if its rough and I have a flashback, or if I start to feel claustrophobic, I can freak out and totally ruin the mood. Its just something that chages with time, counseling, and the trust of the person you love.

erin0709

Counseling and open honesty with your husband are the most important factors in this situation. In my case, I had a serious heart-to-heart about the traumatic experience that I had and explained to DH about what touches or actions can trigger negative feelings for me, and what makes me most uncomfortable, and he has been very understanding and respecting of the issues that I have. I do not experience flashbacks during sex, but have had flashbacks in the past and talking with a counselor/psychologist or writing down my thoughts/fears have really helped me move past them. There were years during my early 20's where I was always inebriated in some form during sex to suppress or numb my lingering negative emotions, but eventually with time and help I was able to overcome the need to self-medicate in order to enjoy sex. Fortunately, I had already worked through most of my issues by the time I met DH, so luckily sex had already become more normal and pleasurable and haven't had any problems in years with my traumatic past affecting my current state of mind. The magnitude of the abuse and way of healing/dealing with things are different for every victim, but it's important for your husband to know what happened and be understanding if things are hard for you at times.  Good luck and know that it is possible to move past a bad history with enough time and healing. 

Violet_McPurpleson

My answer to your questions is yes. If you haven't had counseling I highly recommend it. It will help you to deal with your past issues so that they don't affect your current life.

procella_lamia

I'll give you the most honest response I can.  I was raped at 17.  It had more of an effect on my & my husband's relationship when we first started dating.  Sometimes he would go to kiss me or touch me and I'd jerk away because I had a flashback.  I haven't really had any flashbacks during sex just because at that point all I can focus on is him & the moment.  Usually if I'm going to get a flashback it's during foreplay or an arguement or something like that.  I don't get flashbacks more than once or twice a year now.  I had been through counceling and dated a few guys since being raped, but it takes time and each guy you encounter can potentially trigger an flashback.  It took a lot of time and patience from my husband, but at the end of the day I know I'm loved and respected.  That causes less flashbacks.  It helped that we talked about things earlier in our relationship and that he was sensitive enough to just stop things if I had a flashback and just hold me.  I don't know if you are asking for you or someone else, but it is a life long process to get past abuse, especially sexual abuse.  It leaves behind trust issues.  The only way to deal is to talk about it with your significant other.  I hope this helps, feel free to message me with questions if you need to.  Sorry for the really long response.