October 2009 Weddings
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Tuesday Thoughts...
An interesting discussion is happening on the Relationships board regarding a girl who has been continually in a relationship with one person or another since she was 13. I know people who can't stand to not be in a relationship - that they have to be dating someone in order for their life to be fulfilling.
Are these people doomed to have a problematic marriage?
Discuss.
Re: Tuesday Thoughts...
I think dependent people have their own set of challenges ahead of them. My brother is one of them...he goes crazy when he doesn't have a gf and yet the relationships are so messed up.
On the other hand, my sister is head over heels for this guy who isn't ready to settle down. They've been off and on for over 6 years (she's 24 so it may actually be 7 or 8 years). She told DH that even though we're married, we should have separate lives. And while I think that having some independence is a good thing, when you're married, there also has to be a strong bond between the couple in order to make effective decisions that are in the best interest of both.
So, all kinds of relationships can be problematic...just depends on which problems.
I think people like that are more likely to "settle" and end up with someone they aren't truly compatible with. I'm not a believer in "the one," I think there are many people that an individual can lead a perfectly happy life with, but I do think it would be hard to find someone you are compatible with if you don't know yourself well enough to know what you want/need out of a relationship.
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I think Angela said it perfectly. To me, serial monogamy says "I would rather be with someone I know isn't right for me than be single." Maybe this person didn't really think like that, but from an outsider looking in, that's what it seems like.
Speaking for myself, I learned the most about what I wanted out of life when I was single. Because honestly, any relationship I've been in I've always had the other person's interests in mind too... being single allows you to truly learn what's best for you.
I think that people who can not be single never really get a chance to know themselves as a person. I feel if you don't know yourself then you won't be able to give all you have to someone else.
I think in order to be truly happy in a relationship you have to know your own likes and dislikes. Some people might argue that by consistantly playing the field you get a taste off all different types of people but if you never take time to cool off from a break up you don't get to see what truly went wrong. If you can take the time to learn from past mistake (yours or the person you dated) then you can really grow as a person and be better or at least less willing to put up with things you don't like. Thusly making for a more satisfying and happy relationship.
What do you say to those who've been in a relationship since High School - I'm not sure those people know who they are outside of the other person...but plenty of people make that work.
I think you either get married young and grow up together or grow and then get married...sharing each other's experiences to make you stronger as a couple. I did the later.
I don't think people who have dated the same person since high school can be considered the same way as a serial dater or someone who can't be single. I was more applying my opinion to some one who constantly breaks up, hooks up, breaks up etc.
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I don't think Karen was asking if people who are always in relationships are doomed, I think she meant people who have to be in a relationship are doomed. I think needy and dependent people have a higher chance of being in bad relationships because they cannot stand to be on their own, so they're more apt to be with someone who isn't compatible with them or treats them badly. My aunt is one of these people- she is now on marriage number 4. She hates being by herself and I also think she feels like she won't be financially secure unless she's married (which, by the way, isn't working out for her). She's also in her mid forties and has never had a steady job or one that she enjoys. I wonder if she had given herself more time to be single if she would have explored her interests more. And she doesn't appear to be exploring her interests- she quit her job as soon as they were married in August.
My best friend is exactly the same way. In fact, this issue is what my little Moody Monday rant was about, so it was if Karen read my mind! I worry a lot for her because I don't think she's in the best relationship and it's because she cannot stand to be alone.
Yeah, I just thought it would be an interesting discussion.
All the people I know like this (need to be in a relationship) are "head over heels" in love in every relationship they're in, and ... I don't know... when they finally marry someone, does that make their love less special? Coincidentally, these same people I know are also SUPER fast to fall in love every time.
The original post that sparked my interest was regarding a 20 y/o who had essentially been in serious relationships since she was 13 and was contemplating marrying a guy she was having issues with. I think it was Witchy who said in this thread that always being in a relationship slows the development of self... and I like ashley's point about growing together or separately.
Just sayin... it's interesting. (I like this social psych stuff!)
Not sure about the marriage part but do think that people who need to always be with someone are doomed:( my friend is like this.. some of you may remember last nov. (right after thanksgiving) I saw my best friends FI with another woman and then I asked for ya'lls advice on whether or not I should tell her about what I saw. well, I told her and he was cheating, they broke up and the guy went crazy. it was horrible she ended up getting a year long restraining order against him. any ways she ended up hooking up with a guy not even a month after all this. I was pretty shocked because this guy who she has now gotten serious with, is not her type. He goes to church, she is not a goer, he is anti abortion, she is for it, he is for republican and she is for democrats. everything is pretty much opposite for them. On their first date he even told her why his last relationship didn't work out, all because the girl was for all the things he wasn't. Here is my friend who reorganized all the signs that this guy will probably not work out for her and her child yet she hasn't pushed this guy away, only brought him closer.
I donno maybe they will work out, for her happiness it would be awesome if they worked out. but I just see things down the long road, my friend ending up with the wrong guy again. all because she didn't like being single.