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I am probably overstepping my bounds
DH isn't very good at calling or e-mailing his son (who is grown and lives a few hundred miles away). But when he does and doesn't get a response, it is all he can think about. Over the past two weeks he has called, e-mailed and sent a card inviting him to go to DH's aunt's birthday party this weekend. Son hasn't responded.
Son is a people pleaser. If you invite him to something in person, he always says yes. This is why we have gotten ourselves into pinches twice before where we suggested a weekend for him to come, he says "sure!", we cancel other plans for that weekend, turn down all other offers, make plans for him to be here, and then we can't get a hold of him and learn through FB posts that he is going to a bachelor party out of state that weekend instead.
So, I think he is just avoiding saying no to the birthday party invitation, but DH is literally going nuts over this. Every single night this week we have had near-tearful discussions about what he must have done to make his son hate him, etc. All because the guy can't be bothered to answer an e-mail.
So I just e-mailed Son begging him to please try to contact his dad soon even if it is a two sentence e-mail or a FB post. If I piss him off to the point that he doesn't talk to either of us for a year, so be it. I'm not very good at walking on eggshells.
I just a friendly gal looking for options.
Re: I am probably overstepping my bounds
I guess I'm stuck on your first sentence.
DH isn't very good at calling or e-mailing his son (who is grown and lives a few hundred miles away). But when he does and doesn't get a response, it is all he can think about.
Why don't they talk to each other more?
sorry to say this, but why doesn't DH reach out to his son? i mean, i know i'm pretty bad about calling my parents, but they often call me and i'm happy to hear from them.
but if he's not taking the initative to reach out to his son, that could be saying a lot to his son about where he stands in DH's priority list.
obviously i don't know the whole story here.
also, how old is son? if he's in his early 20's i could see how he'd be a bit flaky about the whole thing.
When I say that DH isn't very good at communicating I mean that he doesn't call every week or even every two weeks. He only calls when he has something specific he wasnt to talk to his son about. He is the same way with his sister and the rest of his family. I wouldn't know anything about what is going on with him if I didn't live with him. He doesn't like to talk on the phone especially if it is just going to be chit chat, he feels like he has to have a specific reason for calling.
Son is 27. He is past the age that being young and flakey is a valid excuse.
I just a friendly gal looking for options.
I think it's time that dad and son sit down and have a talk about their relationship. All you can really do is encourage him to try and reach out more to his son.
I think that going 2 weeks in a long time not to speak to your child or parent, but that's just me.
Maybe talk to your husband about letting this be the year that they reconnect, and both make an effort to get closer.
Your husband shouldn't wait for his son to make the first move, he needs to make the first effort. He has a car, and can drive down for the weekend to see his son. No excuses.:)
DH and his ex didn't divorce until Son was a freshman in college, so it has been a long distance relationship ever since then. Son was always closer to his mother and I think they were used to communicating through her and never really built a strong independant relationship.
I just a friendly gal looking for options.
I completely agree. And DH is the one reaching out. It's getting son to reply that is the problem right now.
DH terrified to bring up bigger issues because when he expressed disappointment once before, Son cut us off for about six months. He didn't return any phone calls, wouldn't see us when we were in town, we went through Christmas without acknowledgement of gifts we sent him, etc. Then one day he called out of the blue and everyone just pretended that nothing ever happened.
It drives me nuts. I would have sat the boy down and slapped him silly. But he's not my kid. If I say anything about it, he will just cut us off again. So I've just decided that it is better for them to have a superficial relationship than none at all. But even a superficial relationship seems next to impossible sometimes.
I just a friendly gal looking for options.
I doubt you overstepped if it was just an email asking him to reply.
IMHO, it sounds like Son is similar to Father/Your H, in that, they both call when it is convenient for them. It sounds like that has always been their relationship.
Sounds like Son isn't really into going to the birthday party.
I just a friendly gal looking for options.
Zsa-this is how H and his dad are.
Honestly, if your H doesn't call or communicate regularly with his son, why does he expect some reciprocation?
If it's status quo to talk 3 times a year, don't be surprised when son doesn't call back.
I just a friendly gal looking for options.
So basically you can't do anything. You can try, but don't be personally upset (I can't tell you how to feel) when son doesn't return effort.
It's a little late in the game and effort from you, is not effort from your H.
Sad, but true.