Can't Enjoy Being on Top?

kindspiel14

My fiance and I have been together for over 2 years, and the sex is great, albeit a bit infrequent. Even though he's pretty shy he's always been wonderful about trying/suggesting new positions and buying me toys to spice things up. I'm not opposed to new positions, but I've often found that they physically hurt to try.

I'm not sure if we just need to power through or use more lube or what--any suggestions? Has anyone else had any issues? The biggest one that gets to me is that I can't be on top, as much as I'd like to try. I've heard it's wonderful and he would like a break sometimes, I'm sure. Help??

peppergrass@me.com

I'm all ears because I have had this problem as well. I like trying new things but I either don't get anywhere from them or they hurt. 

My H is bigger then normal and it is hard for me to try new things that I can't control how deep he goes because it hurts at times which then totally kills the mood for me. We always end up going back to the same position...  

raeyn

What kind of pain is it? I have issues with my introitus that can make sex painful, and sometimes certain positions (like being on top) are worse than others. My only suggestion would be to have lots of foreplay whatever it takes to get you really turned on, use lots of lube, and make sure he stays still while you lower yourself on to him at your own pace. If it's too bad, try again later.

dragonfly17

maybe try leaning forward when you are on top so that it wont go in too deep. Then you can work up to just sitting at a 90 degree angle on top of him. For me, I had to use this position when I first started having sex because I was in control and could ease my way into it. Good luck

megd06

peppergrass@me.com:

My H is bigger then normal and it is hard for me to try new things that I can't control how deep he goes because it hurts at times which then totally kills the mood for me.

the girl-on-top position would actually be good for you then--you control the depth!

pastrypuff9000

He might be hitting your cervix.  Your cervix changes position slightly throughout your cycle.  I would recommend trying WOT a few times during the month to see if that makes a difference to you.

I have noticed (mostly during doggy) that Fi knocks my cervix during some parts of the month and not others. 

JP-n-JI

If I'm not completely turned on, top or doggy can be less pleasurable. Lots of foreplay and finding the perfect angle helps me. And no overthinking it during as well

Tough Taters

I have some issues with painful sex, and I find girl on top to be generally uncomfortable on a good day. But if I turn around to reverse cowgirl, the angle changes and it works for me.

Lots and lots of lube helps too.

fizzybauberswed

dragonfly17:

maybe try leaning forward when you are on top so that it wont go in too deep. Then you can work up to just sitting at a 90 degree angle on top of him. For me, I had to use this position when I first started having sex because I was in control and could ease my way into it. Good luck

Ditto this.  My DH is rather large and this is the only way I can be on top.

meaganrn

At first I had trouble finding a good 'rhythm' on top and felt a bit awkward.  For some reason being on top but facing backwards is so much better.  i know he likes looking at my back and rear end and it's sexy when you let your hair hang down your back.  Not sure why it's better but it is for us!  Good luck! 

my2003kisses

I can relate. I am not a fan of doggie style because it is uncomfortable for me. We tried the pillow and lifting and lowering. Nothing worked, we just change it up every other way. As for being on top, It is the best way to get myself to an orgasm.  I would try taking complete control and work your way up. I am guessing it has to do with how deep he is going. Leaning forward can help. He can't go as deep.  

megd06

binzy2524:

I can only be on top as dh is huge. Not only is he over 11" but thick as a coke can. But I have great O's on top where I can control it.

*rolls eyes*

kindspiel14

Thanks for the advice/ideas! I don't think it's an issue of it being too deep--it hurts pretty much right off the bat. But we'll do some experimenting and see what happens. It's definitely possible that it could be hitting/rubbing something-I've had pelvic/hip alignment issues in the past and maybe that's affecting the way things lay in those type of positions...

gone_awry

binzy2524:

I can only be on top as dh is huge. Not only is he over 11" but thick as a coke can. But I have great O's on top where I can control it.

I'm assuming that you are bragging in an attempt to incur jealousy - but this is just creepy.

Beabs

I also can't enjoy being on top. It hurts! DH is much bigger (think extra large condoms) than any of my previous partners. On top used to always be my favorite because it was the only way that I could orgasm. IMO it is all related to size (I guess it really does matter after all!)

Ashley_4

I had this problem and then I asked my doctor about it. She said that if your not completely turned on he will hit your cervix because apparently as you get more turned on your cervix raises to allow for him to make his way in... ever since then I havent had a problem

Turran

I was having problems with different positions, and I asked my doctor about.  I found out that I have endometriosis, which can cause painful sex (along with bad stomach cramps and heavy periods in some).

You should ask your doctor if that may be the issue.  There are ways to treat it.

pamela.pinkerton

I've had this problem before. The only way I found I could be on top was to not go all the way down so he wasn't too deep inside me. Just don't get too carried away or you'll end up hurting yourself!

scuevas81

I completely understand you pepper grass.  We also have tried several things.  In the long run you end up doing what both of you can enjoy.

doodlejenj

It's funny - I come to this board about 3x a year, and yet I always see this comment (or similar ones) from binzy.  Why?

LCGabrick

 

Being "dry" is one of the most common problems women face.  And they usually don't address it with their OBGYN- they think hmmm maybe its just me and maybe we need more lube-

If you on currently taking birth control- what kind?  There are some birth controls out there that are considered to be a "dry" pill- and after awhile or even right when you start taking it - that is exactly what it does - dry you out- try talking to your obgyn about changing- maybe you need more hormones- they can switch you to a different pill-

Also, try gatorades and drinks with electrolytes believe it or not those help increase the "wetness"-

doubleomoo

LEAN FORWARD! I am familiar with this pain that you speak of and all I have to say is lean forward. going straight up and down can be really hard and can hit painful spots so going at the same angle that you would with him on top can change everything. I lean so my own face is next to his and my body is almost exactly parallel to his. It's a nice angle for him visually and it's a nice angle for you in other ways. Try it and lemme know how it works.

littlelani

Try getting a book on the Kama Sutra or looking it up online. I have endometriosis, so finding a comfortable position can be very difficult. DH & I found several positions that we both can enjoy from the Kama Sutra. The clasping position might work better for you than regular WOT. Hope this helps!

Heather&Dave

doubleomoo:

LEAN FORWARD! I am familiar with this pain that you speak of and all I have to say is lean forward. going straight up and down can be really hard and can hit painful spots so going at the same angle that you would with him on top can change everything. I lean so my own face is next to his and my body is almost exactly parallel to his. It's a nice angle for him visually and it's a nice angle for you in other ways. Try it and lemme know how it works.

Ditto!  I have endometriosis and a scar from a tear during birth that can be painful during sex.  I pretty much lay on his chest.  I can control depth and it's the best position to reach my G spot.

amrunte

I may have a possible answer but the explanation is a little graphic.

I had A LOT of pain when we first got married.  At first, I just muscled through it because I'd always heard it was going to be "uncomfortable" until your body gets used to this new intrusion.  I'd also had some major female problem with cysts and whatever so I thought it might just be connected to that.  However, it continued and got to the point where my poor husband wasn't getting anything from me because it just hurt too much - not to mention, when he did, it was a real downer for him because I would usually wind up in the fetal position (poor guy).  Some positions were less painful then others but I remember it being worse with me on top or with him behind.

So I finally went to my GYN and told her about the pain (it's amazing how quick you can get an appointment when you use the word pain :-)).  She said I had an vaginal occlusion - basically, a rather ridged ring of flesh around the inside of my vagina.  I wouldn't normally be bothered by it but once I had begun having intercourse, the penetration of anything larger than your average tampon would be extremely painful.  I wound up having an out-patient surgical procedure were she basically went in and snipped the ring in 4 places and then sewed the flaps she'd created back (like darts in sewing).  After a 6 week recovery time, I was a new woman.  It would be worth an embarrassing trip to your GYN to find out if there is a physical issue that could be easily remedied that would change everything for you.  If it's been two years and you're still having the same pain, it's very possible there's just something out of whack up there that needs a little TLC from a doctor.  Good luck.

beeks

It sounds like you guys have a great relationship in which you're communicating well and compromising when you need to. You could try "powering through," as you said, but if you're finding you're in pain, it would be worth it to talk it through with your doctor. Aside from possible physical causes, there are some psychological sexual pain disorders as well, which would be difficult to overcome by yourselves. In the meantime, don't stress too much... if you're looking for a silver lining, hey, at least it could be kind of fun trying to figure out new ways of solving the problem

G3M1N1

The problem I have is vestibulitis and it's painful for him to GET IN. However, once he's in, we really don't have any problems. I suggest going to the doctor and getting help. Being on top can be uncomfortable at times for me, too, & I've found that leaning forward helps, until I'm ready to learn back or sit straight up. Until you find out if something's wrong, though, nothing we suggest will help.

vaf5000

I find that being on top feels the best when I'm just grinding, like rubbing against instead of going in/out.  It's a break for both of us and isn't as frictiony.  We never use lube at all, but I think it has a lot to H not being circumsized... an old boyfriend was circumsized and and I used to have a lot of pain issues even though he's not as "big" as my H is.  I think a good solution is asking for it to be "shallow" when you first start out too.  

caiterella

Pain during sex is something that I've been dealing with for over three years now. Some times it's barely noticable, other times I can do nothing more than cry (good thing my husband is really sweet or this could be awkward haha).

There are certainly some positions that hurt more than others, but pain during entry is also frequent. Like mentioned by a lot of the others, I'd recommend lube, really staying focused on everything that's going on with your partner instead of worrying about if it's going to hurt or not, and focusing on breathing if it hurts on entry.

My gyno also suggested kegels or even using some sort of tool (for lack of a better word) to help stretch out the muscles. I've even tried therapy and was prescribed Well Butrin to help. It has made a difference, but I realize it's a big step to take and not a simple decision to make.

Hope this helps!

shearon25

Being on top can be good, but for me most of the time I dont get that same good feeling I would get if I were on the bottom. Try it and see for yourself.

Tracy K

You may have a touch of what I have.  It's called Vaginismus.  You can go to vaginismus.com and get a kit to help you overcome, plus have access to a GREAT very helpful forum.  Basically your pc muscles tighten in an involuntary response to anything penitrating causing pain from moderate to severe.  The full program is about $100 - but they'll work with you if you can't afford that much.  Just email them and talk to them about it.  You get a book, companion workbook, set of 4 dilators, and access to the forum.  I've been working on it for a while, and it's still painful to an extent, but we're not through yet.  It's gone from 0% penetration possible to full if I take it slow and easy. : )