Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Disapline...
I know this can be a touchy subject but if you don't mind me asking...
1. How do you/plan to disapline your children?
2. How were you disaplined?
3. How do you react when someone your with does/does not disapline their child and you think they need/didn't need the reaction they got?
Back Story: Some friends of DH and I, we'll call them C(dad) & M(mom) K(little boy), have a little boy. Most of the time he is a sweet little boy... untill we are eating somewhere and he has to be confind(sp?) to one area (ei: our table).
Then he turns...
If he is not getting his way he will start throwing stuff, M will take what ever he's throwing away from him about the 4 or 5 time he throws it and say "quit being so ugly". Then at this point he will let out a blood curling scream and you can just see how mad he is. M will then give him back what ever he was throwing and say to C "you need to get him, he's not listening to me" C is all for disaplining him by spankings but M is not.
Ok where was I...
So C will say do you want me to handle it, M always ends up saying no. So K never gets held acountable for his actions.
This happends ever time we go out with them. I'm not the kind to get embarressed, but I just feel so sorry for M because she doesn't see how this will only get worse if she doesn't do anything about it. But I will not say anything because it's not my place, I have no children, and plus I wouldn't want anyone telling me how to raise/disapline my child.
Thoughts.....?
Re: Disapline...
This is a touchy subject for sure. I think that we can all have high hopes and high expectations that our kid will NOT be the one screaming bloody murder in the middle of Target but truth is that no matter how well you try, sometimes kids just don't do what they are told and don't react the way that we predict them to.
1. How do you/plan to disapline your children? I think this all depends on the child. I believe in spankings, time out, taking away privledges, etc. I believe that discipline early is important and that waiting to long will actually have the opposite affect. But not all things work on all kids so it just comes down to what works when we get there.
2. How were you disaplined? My mother was very strict and inforced her dissappointment when we did wrong. That was enough to make us extremely well behaved children. She then met a complete loser, began drinking and lost herself and everything she stood for. At that point our "discipline" turned into abuse and we had the snot beat out of us. I will do everything in my power to never treat my children this way and to keep them as far away as possible from those that would.
3. How do you react when someone your with does/does not disapline their child and you think need/don't need the reaction they got? Depends on the friend. I have a lot of friends that have no problems with other people help to discipline their children. If they are one of those, then I correct them but make sure to inform the parent. If it is a parent that has a child that does it often, I usually end up not participating in those kinds of events.....instead of eating out, we go to their house so that devil kid has toys and such to play with.
This could go on and on....but again we can't know until we are in those shoes.
1. If my children need spankings they will get them no matter where we are.
2. I got spankings for acting up and my jaws smacked for sassing. Of course I didn't like it then but I have come to see it has made me the person I am today and I appriciate it.
I don't think I got alot of spankings when I was younger. I don't know if it was because I was not a rowdy child or if I just knew I shouldn't do that.
3. About the above situation... I would take my child outside or to the bathroom and give them a spanking for acting up and throwing stuff. If they continued to scream the way K does I would on the spot, pop them on the jaw to get their attention and tell them they will be getting another spanking if this continues.
1. I agree totally.
2. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
I think now a days people are affraid to disapline because they are affraid they will get accused of "beating". Even though today's "beatings" would be a love pat compaired to our days "disapline" There use to be a definate line between beating and disapline, but now anything you do could be considered beating and it's just so hard to know what to do.
First, I agree with this, 100%.
1. How do you/plan to disapline your children? I plan to use a combination of techniques. Spankings will be a last resort, b/c I think there are more effective methods that can be attempted first- I say this because I can probably count on one hand the number of times I was spanked. And I like to think that I've turned out to be a relatively normal, decent, law-abiding contributing member of society. So, we'll try time outs, privilege removal, etc.
I've seen the screaming child in Target whose mother was carrying her outside and heard someone say "That child needs to be spanked." I felt bad for the mother b/c she was doing exactly what I would have done. Removed the child from the situation. She sure doesn't need random strangers commenting that her child needs to be spanked.
2. How were you disaplined? A combination of techniques, privilege loss, timeouts, groundings, etc. My parents had rules and expectations that we were to live up to. We also were taught from a young age that b/c our dad was a police officer things that we did could reflect badly on him professionally. We were taught the difference between right and wrong. We were taught to behave in public. We were taught manners. When I'm at home and one of my parents calls my name, I still answer Ma'am or Sir. And answer yes/no questions with yes/no ma'am/sir.
3. How do you react when someone your with does/does not disapline their child and you think need/don't need the reaction they got? Depends on who it is. I will not hesitate to correct my nephew if he is doing something he should not. If my BFF's little girl is doing something I know she's not supposed to and her parents aren't nearby I'll point that out. If she's breaking a rule at my house, I won't hesitate to say something. Otherwise, unless a child is in immediate danger (like pulling something down on themselves or sticking a fork in an outlet) and we're not in my home where they could be destroying something that belongs to me, then its not my job.
My best advice to you is to eat in with your friends, offer to split the cost of a sitter or don't go out with them if their child is unmanageable in public.
1. How do you/plan to disapline your children? Fortunately, they are very good, but... I've sent them to their rooms, taken away their computer time/game time... again, they're really good kids! I'm sure I'd do time outs more, leave wherever I was -depending on how dire it was to go there (aka Target/market/etc)
2. How were you disaplined? Grounded mainly... spanked when I was young til I laughed one time at my mother and told her it didn't hurt (end of spankings)
3. How do you react when someone your with does/does not disapline their child and you think they need/didn't need the reaction they got? Hairy eyeball at said child. Sometimes, I can't keep my mouth shut and do say something, but that's RARE. The stare usually works well-guess I'm scary-or darned ugly!
1) How do you plan to discipline your child(ren)? M and I have 2 very different ideas when it comes to discipling a child. I believe in spankings, as a last resort (having tried timeout, grounding, taking away privs, etc), M does not. As far as the time out does, I go with the kneeling on the ground in the corner, M does not, he thinks that's a form of child abuse.
2) How were you disciplined? Timeouts/grounding. Growing up, my Memeire "punished" me (great grandmother), she was old school, so I go the wooden paddle to my butt or I had to kneel in the corner (kneeling as in, straight up, not resting my knees down with my butt on my feet), for 5 minutes (10 as I was older). My Dad, I can count on 1 hand the # of times he laid his hands on me, and I will fully admit those times were well deserved. My mother, well, I don't think I need to go there with that one, there were a few times knives were involved. I got the whole count of 3 thing also.
3) How do you react when someone your with does/does not discipline their child and you think they need/didn't need the reaction they got? Well, M and I have a couple who have 1 child (M's Godson), we've known them for over 10 years, there son is almost 9, when he was younger they NEVER disciplined him AT ALL, they blamed everything he did on his age "Oh, he's only 3"..."Oh he's only 6" blah blah blah, we couldn't ever believe it, even when he came to our house, but when he was at our house, they told US to discipline him, even now, when we're around, they always tell us to discilpine THEIR son. He never listened AT ALL (except of course, to M or myself, because he knew what would happen), now, they go a little over board, well, a lot over board. The father was raised with an iron fist, his father believed that you should put the fear of God in your child, so now that HIS child is out of control, he now takes the same action. I remember one night being over there 1 year ago (M's Godson was 8) and R (the Dad) got directly in the kids face and yelled at the top of his lungs at him about getting his homework done, he said if he didn't he was going to slap him, of course the kid started crying and didn't do his work (he was clearly scared) and R grabbed him by his arms and dragged him to his bedroom and shut the door, when he came down the hallway he was smiling and that's when he told me "See, you gotta put the fear of God in your kids" and laughed. I didn't find it funny at all. While he doesn't BEAT him, I don't believe yelling at a child in their face and making threats is doing anything either.
Wow, that was kinda long, sorry.
I agree. Disapline shouldn't be scaring your child into submission but teaching them to respect things and the situations they are in. Like being in a resturaunt you shouldn't throw things or scream, out of respect for others there and the place of buisness.
1. How do you/plan to disapline your children? I have no idea. I don't have a lot of experience with kids - my youngest sibling is only 3 1/2 years younger than I am and I didn't babysit much. I'm not really sure what to do with kids. I'll probably read a lot child psych books. I know that's not a substitute for experience, but it will be good have some guidance. J will be better off.
2. How were you disaplined? My parents mostly took away privileges - TV, computer, special trips, etc. They also did some grounding and spanking. The "spanking" wasn't always controlled, but I don't really blame my parents for this. I general, they were great parents but they were also human. They slipped up sometimes. I would like to avoid spanking my kids unless it's really necessary because I do feel like I grew up with a bit of an impluse to smack people when I wanted to "punish" them.
3. How do you react when someone your with does/does not disapline their child and you think they need/didn't need the reaction they got? I really don't know anyone with kids except my cousins, who I never see. When I'm out in public, I tend to just ignore it. In NYC, I don't see a whole lot of kids so if I see a tantrum, I hope it's just that the kid is having a bad day and not an overall behavior problem.
1. How do you/plan to disapline your children? It depends on the child. We both believe in removing a child from the situation. My sister just lets her daughter scream in the middle of a restaurant and I am so embarrassed. When Scarlett starts to fuss in the store and both of us are there, one of us takes her to the car. I will probably give time outs and rewards for good behavior and take away privileges. I heard once about giving a child the thing they really want (in this case it was a goth bedroom) and then taking it away as soon as they blow it (painting the walls pink). I will be taking away cell phones, computers...tv... whatever the thing will be when she grows up. She will learn that there are consequences.
2. How were you disaplined? My mom could just give us a look and we got in line - I hope to perfect this look, myself. We were afraid of disappointing her more than anything. We were sometimes spanked, more like a pop on the butt. Never hit with an object. We were usually sent to our rooms, sometimes without dinner - although peanut butter toast would come eventually. Once when I was 15 or so my dad was upset with me for upsetting my sister (who has always been a PITA). He tried to spank me and I kicked him in the chest. I think he learned his lesson.
3. How do you react when someone your with does/does not disapline their child and you think they need/didn't need the reaction they got? In the situation above, I asked my sister if she wanted to take her daughter outside during her tantrum. She said, "If she goes outside, I just leave and don't come back." She's a ***. Now I had to deal with two tantrums. If we weren't trying to deal wit my dad's passing in AZ that weekend - I think I would have told her to just effing go then. If it happens again, I'm just going to tell her to eff off. With strangers, I judge how violently they will react and sometimes I say something. I have been known to discpline kids behind their backs. I got hit by a kid riding his skateboard in a store once, and I told him that it wasn't allowed and he needed to be careful. I'm 80 years old.
1. How do you/plan to discipline your children?
I don't really believe in spankings, only because I feel that most of the time they are given out of anger and frustration. I want to teach Bebe to be have other outlets for those feelings rather than become violent. HOWEVER . . . I totally believe in putting the fear into them. R and I both believe that when you make a "threat" you should follow through with it. (i.e. No tv if they don't do their chores, etc.) All it takes is coming down hard on them once, for it to make an impression.
2. How were you disciplined?
My mom was pretty stern when she needed to be, but never spanked me. She could make me feel bad for disappointing her and that was enough. My dad was really fierce physically when I was a kid so I was terrified of him . . . it took until my late 20's for us to patch things up.
3. How do you react when someone your with does/does not discipline their child and you think they need/didn't need the reaction they got?
I have a big problem with this right now regarding our niece. My SSIL doesn't discipline, makes excuses, and when they are visiting our house she stops being the mom and expects me to do everything. It has gotten worse and worse through the years. It used to be easier to manage, but last Dec we had a huge fight over it and now she can't come back to our home. Not only is my niece disrespectful but she is learning it from her mom. Most of the time I can ignore stuff like that, but not anymore.