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Inlaws driving us crazy! Go figure!
Every holiday my husband and I sit and wait to hear which side is having what and try our best to figure out how to do my side and his and keep everyone happy... It's exhausting but we know it has to be done.
My husband and I are completely remodeling our house and aren't able to host any holiday at the moment (no dining room, no flooring, sometimes no walls!)... Both sides realize this and both mothers typically hold family functions anyways.
My family is larger and normally plans and cordinates at least a week in advance... My husbands side? Maybe an hour... So I can forget about looking nice and bringing a dish or a hostess gift, let alone my husband and I's plans for the day. They live right by us and have binoculars so there's no pretending we're not home so there's "no excuse" why we can't make it in an hour.
My husband has discussed the fact that we don't mind coming to family functions, we just want notice. It flies over their heads. We've proved the point with only going to the side we're invited to first (obviously mine). Then we favor my side and never do any holidays with them. We've called the week of and asked if they wished to do anything for the holiday...even invited them to go out to dinner... This doesn't even help. They just say "we'll see when it comes". So aggrivating! My husband is going with the plan to go along with our lives and if we don't get notice we aren't going. This suits me just fine. His mother is always mean to me and my husband and his brother always butt heads. But I just don't think this is fair and I don't want to look like I'm pulling my husband to my side all the time. Have I exhausted every opportunity to fix this? Are they just looking for another bone to pick? Should I feel guilty?
Re: Inlaws driving us crazy! Go figure!
Well, why should they change? Sounds like you make your "rule" (we go to the house we're invited too first), then when you're given grief over it, you either give in or you try to "explain" yourselves.
AND you feel guilty.
Stop. All of it.
You tell them "we need notice". They don't listen? They call at the last minute? "Sorry- we're busy. I told you we need notice.".
They go into the "favoring" arguement? ALL your DH says is "I've told you that we go to the peopel who invited us first.". Period. Don't argue, don't get into "we're not favoring them". Just say over and over and over "we go to the people who invited us first".
And if you are home? If no one invited you and you want to chill out? Then DO IT! So what if they have binoculars. You say "we told you we need more than an hours notice. As we didn't get it, we've decided to stay home.".
The fact taht you give in or try to argue w/ them - it only tells them they there is room to guilt you and get you to do what they want.
the only thing you all can "fix" is how you respond! And either they'll get it and you'll see a change, or they won't and you won't see them very often.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree I don't think you have anything to fix. This is their problem. If they ask you last you go to the person who asked first, let them know that and if they think you're favouring the other so what, you know you're not, don't let them guilt you out of honouring your previous commitment.
You let them know that you need to know about events ahead of time so if they call an hour before they want you over, especially when you've called early that week to see if there was anything going on, it's fine to say, "sorry but we really need more notice than this, we've already made plans for dinner." So what if it's at home, maybe you're making a roast, maybe you have your comfy clothes on and are ready to have a long bath...either way they shouldn't expect you just to drop everything for them just because you happen to live close.
I feel your pain!
Last year, DH and I lived three hours from home. We called the Sunday before Easter to find out the plans for the holiday... they had Easter the Saturday before without even calling us!!! I was PISSED. Thanksgiving they did two seperate meals because of a couple of people wanted to work a paid holiday.
Last summer we moved to our hometown so we offered to have Christmas at our new house. His mom asked us to host it on Saturday. Something felt odd. We found out they had a seperate Christmas on Wednesday!!!! Thanks for effin' inviting us.
Oh now my heart is beating fast! I have vented to my H and basically told him that I am not putting any more effort into holidays with his family. They don't appreciate it. I wish I didn't care but I do... I feel guilty and hurt.
I think we married into the same family
I totally understand where you are coming from. It almost mimics my situation besides living next door. My DH and I dated for 4 years and married last summer. The four years we dated, his family never had large family celebrations on holiday, it was set aside on a night besides "the holiday" when everyone could get together. When we became "official" the in laws decided to become big "holiday" people and plan events on the actual day. Planning Christmas this past year was a nightmare, but it the end it all worked out and we had a wonderful holiday. I have younger sisters who still enjoy Christmas mornings and not being there was not an option. Over much chaos, mother-in-law jealousy, and date changes we were finally able to work it all out.
My best advice, split the time as much as possible.
The larger family gets , the more advance notices are NECESSARY! Stick to this concept and plan accordingly to what works for you.
If things start to get heated, do NOT let it become a problem between you and your husband. Always talk about whats bothering you with the in-law situation and work together to solve the problem.
GOOD LUCK!
HAVE A BLESSED EASTER
Your ILS aren't going to change because last minute planning WORKS for them. They still get to see you, and they can control everything while you run around like crazy.
The next time they drop a last minute invite on you, just say no! "Sorry, but we already have plans with wife's family." When they whine that you ALWAYS see your family and NEVER spend holidays with them, your dh says "we asked for advanced notice so we could arrange something, but we can't change things at this late notice. Next time we need at least one week or we won't be able to see you on the holiday."
You could also try being proactive. "Hi mom, wife's parents are meeting for Easter brunch. Since our family doesn't have plans yet, it would work really well for us if our family could meet for Easter dinner." If they plan a brunch - oh well! they knew you were busy at that time.
Stop running around.
i agree with PP, stick to your rule, be proactive (this will let them know you do want to spend time with them, and theyre important too) and stop feeling guilty.
for the last 4 years, i have always hosted thanksgiving on an off day. it just worked out that most people in my family have other plans on the actual day, we wouldnt have thanksgiving together if we didnt have more than one. but except the 1st year (which was kind of impromptu), i usually gave notice as early as halloween..
also it sounds like his family is more casual with things, so i wouldnt worry too much about bringing a hostess gift,. a fancy dish or dressing up too much. if you feel like going an hour before it starts, then go, dont stress the little things.
What would happen if you picked a random night and went over there unannouced for dinner? Like role reversal and explain this is what its like when they give you no notice?
Sounds like this might start a major blow up but it would be interesting to see how they react to very little planning.